Expectation

18: I Should Have Kissed You

If you recognize this 👆, you've been here for a long time.
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NATALIE'S POV

I just came home from school. School was the usual, people ignoring me or just trying to embarrass me. Their words hurt but I keep my feelings to myself, I can't really talk to anyone about it anyway.

I put my backpack on the couch and I walk upstairs to change into more comfortable clothes. My parents would rather worry about my sister's day anyway.

I walk into my room and I sit on my bed feeling lonely like usual. This feeling has put an emptiness in my broken heart but I refuse to show it. I try not to feel anything so I can't feel the pain. Yet, it just comes right back to me.

I just lay there for an hour, just thinking. It allows me to relax a little and not worry about people hurting me. Those monsters.

My thoughts are interrupted by my phone ringing. I don't know this number so I want to make sure if it's somebody important. Turns out this was one of the worst mistakes of my life.

"Hello?" I say as I answer.

"Is this Natalie?" A fake high-pitched voice asks.

"Um yes, who is this?" I ask. I hear really loud laughing in the background.

"Not telling you bitch." She replies.

"Sorry?" I say, really confused.

"So who is this Zac person everybody's talking about?" She asks.

"Um I no one." I say not sure what to think.

"Don't lie to me whore." She snaps.

"Why are you calling me?" I ask.

"I don't know, why are you still living?" The girl says. I hear obnoxious snickers following her ride remark.

"Look, can you guys please just leave me alone?" I ask almost to tears.

"Not until I see that ugly face of yours in a cemetery where you belong." She says causing the snickering to turn into hysterical laughing.

"Um okay I need to go now bye." I say hanging up.

My emptiness goes away as my depression causes everything to go gray. Tears start pouring down my cheeks and there's no one there to wipe them away. A constant reminder that Zac can't always be here to help me.

Why are people always so mean to mean? How come they don't like me? What have I done?

Then the big question comes into my mind.

Why am I still alive?

I wake up to Dena and a crying and worried Maddie sitting on my bed next to me. My cheeks are stained with tears and my heart still feels broken. I guess those are the side effects of recent depression.

They look at me with looks of pity, which makes me feel even more lonely. I can tell Dena has already explained to Maddie everything.

I don't know why I continue to have these nightmares even after high school. I talked to different therapists and even priests but I was never satisfied with their answers. I believe that in the inside I'm still broken and I need that one piece to fix me.

Yet sometimes I do wonder, can I even get fixed?

I shrug my thoughts off as I get up to face Dena and Maddie. I give Maddie a little smile to calm her down. I can't stand it when my friends cry, and definitely not when it's because of me.

"Are you okay?" Maddie asks. I can hear her voice crack as she sobs silently to herself.

"Yeah I'm okay. Please just don't cry Maddie, I'm okay." I say hugging her. I slowly rub her forehead with my thumb.