A Little Guidance

How I really Act When I'm Not On Wattpad (Part 2):

But yeah....Like...I get teaching your kids to not do something, but calling your kids names and publicly (Not really) humiliating your own child is enough to make your child break. I'm broken because of my own Dad treating me like this. And this only happens when he's mad. Other than that he's really nice. Believe it or not. My Dad isn't a bad guy. He just has a bad temper and takes things way too far without thinking. And no he doesn't apologize for half the stuff he does because he doesn't think he needs to apologize. He even said once while arguing with my mother that we (his daughters) need to apologize to him. And even if we do he doesn't take our apology anyway. So we never apologize to him. Unless we know we really screwed up.

So yeah. That is also why I never talk to my Dad. Mainly my Dad. Because I feel like he judges me and I feel like I'll get yelled at. And when I do talk to him and or my mother they both shoot me down and put me down. My mother is more nicer, but still says things that hurt. I never tell them this because I don't want to start anything. And as for my Dad he tends to end up arguing with you if you go against what he says. When we used to talk to him he would always tell us how it is and what we need to do. He never listens. Just tells us what he thinks and expects us to understand him and take what he says and put it into action. But sometimes all we want is for him to listen. Sometimes we don't need the commentary. But that doesn't stop our Dad. So to not get put down by my parents I simply don't tell them anything unless I really need to.

Oh and this is also why I get yelled at all the time for not saying anything about what is the matter with me. Because my Dad is always saying I need to start doing more and act like an adult. Get a job. Get my license. Get good grades. Just getting a life. Yeah well with the way I am...I'm not motivated to do any of that. Yeah I want to, but trying to put all of that into action I never get around to it. But yeah my Dad tells me all the time I need to start doing more because I'm "lazy." I'm not lazy. I'M DEPRESSED! Not happy with who I am really. Just not happy being under this roof sometimes. I want to yell at my Dad, but I can't. I want to tell him what really is going on, but I can't. I just can't. I can't bring myself to do it and stand up for myself. Because when I do think I can do it my Dad shoot me down and I hide right back into my turtle shell. Where it's my dark place. I just never want to do anything anymore. Because I feel like I'm going to get shoot down for it.

I also feel trapped when I'm in this house. With not having a phone and having to ask to use my computer even though I'm 18...I feel trapped. I can't do much. I get told what to do and I even get grounded too. My Dad says as long as I live under his roof I have to play by his rules. actually no I don't. But I never try to disobey him because...I fear the worst. I know he won't do anything to me I just fear he might throw me out. He did that once to his sister. He was mad at my aunt and took all of her stuff out of her room and put it at the end of the driveway. My aunt thought it was her parents that did it and moved out. She actually was homeless for a while until she got back up on her feet. Her parents however never told my aunt to come back home when they found out my Dad was the one that did it. Her parents just left my poor aunt out there without a home for like a year and when my aunt found out she was pissed. She's more mad at her parents than my Dad because my aunt's parents never told her that her own brother did it because he got mad at her and that her parents didn't do it. Yeah well my Dad has threatened me and my other sisters about throwing our stuff at the end of the driveway. Even when we were younger he threatened to sell our toys and or burn them all when we made a mistake that made my Dad mad. So yeah. I feel trapped when I'm at home. So when COVID hit I begged the God I don't believe in to reopen my school back up. I just couldn't handle being with my Dad that long. I just couldn't.

So I know I talked about having no motivation. I don't. To be honest. All I want to do is what I want to do. Which is be on this app talking to my friends all day, writing stories and being with my boyfriend because he makes me truly happy. Other than that I don't want a job or go to college or pay rent or bills or learning to drive. I don't want to be an adult. I just don't think I can be. I...never learned to be one. I got a brain...kinda like a child's. I don't know anything really about renting or paying my bills or even having my bank account. I don't know any of that stuff and my parents both never taught me. So I don't feel ready at all to be thrown into the real world. because I won't make it without that knowledge. And people laugh at me when I don't know how to do that stuff and it hurts me. It hurts that I don't know how to do it. But I got no motivation to even learn it. I don't because of my Depression. I just feel too down or too tired to do anything. Only time I really feel happy is when I'm away from my parents. But even then sometimes I might not be motivated to do much if I'm with something that doesn't do much to begin with. So then that right there doesn't change much. At that point I'm just glad to be out of the house and away from my parents.

I also feel like I'm not good enough. Like everytime I do something good for myself something always ruins it. I try all the time to impress my Dad by having good grades throughout the whole school year. But no matter what I do I get low grades for my fourth quarter. And my Dad always yells at me to do better. He says that I slacked off at the end of the year. Actually no. I didn't. At the end of the year THAT'S when I work the hardest. So I don't fail any of my classes. But it's always been this way. I can never get my fourth quarter grades to be pleasing to my Dad. But nothing I do seems to be good enough for him. So...I kinda stopped caring over the years because I just can't seem to please him the way he wants to be pleased.

I also feel like a failure as well. Like when I try to do something I end up failing in the end of it. Or sometimes I do get what I want, but then something jumps in and ruins it. I just feel like I fail at everything. Fail at life. Nothing is ever good enough and everything I do turns into either me getting grounded or yelled at or called names and displeasing both my parents. Because I'm the oldest. So I get it hard sometimes. But even if that is so I shouldn't feel like I'm this failure, but I do. I feel it. In my heart. It's what I feel and everytime it happens that I fail the more I end up believing I'm just gonna be this failure. Even when I try and believe in myself I can do it sometimes I just can't reach the goal I want to achieve and I fail and then I get yelled at. And I know people have said what you believe in will end up coming true. Well when it ACTUALLY keeps happening ALL THE TIME you tend to really believe that something is always gonna be come true. It's just...how things worked out for me.

Anything else? I don't think so...I think I covered it all. At least I think I did anyway. But yeah. The girl you guys knew it kinda a cover up. But I felt the need to say something because...I got no one to talk to about this that's outside this app. Sure I talked to like my Grandmother, but I never tell her the full story. I just...I just don't feel comfortable with telling her. She does know that there is something wrong with me. She knew that a while now. But she's waiting for me to tell her. Reason why I don't want to get into it is because I'll cry. To be honest with you guys I gotten a little teary eyed writing this even. It's just sad. My parents know the signs, but they ignore. Only person they ever helped was my sister. Because she's severe. But they look at me and see I have something, but dismiss it because it's what? Not severe enough to deal with? Got too much on your hands already? Can't deal with another one of your daughters having a mental illness? I just don't get it. And I'm tired of it. I just want to feel happy again like I did long ago. When I was very young I used to run around and talk to everyone I met. I would also go outside a lot and so things. I was always up for new things to do as well. I was just this really outgoing girl. Yeah well she's been snuffed out for so long. I wish for that part of me to come back, but no matter how hard I try to get that part back I get pushed down and I fall right back into my dark place.

*Sighs* .........