Fool Me Twice

Blair And The City

18 October, 2013
Dear diary,

Starting a new diary feels like turning over a new leaf. The Fall in Manhattan is beautiful but not as beautiful as my new home. Renovating Henry's room has had a calming effect on me. Chuck insisted on a break from work, and after an apt display of defiance, I relented. My duck feet thanked me in solitude. Though in the last year, Mother has taken a backseat, but I can bet she appreciates the chance to be captain of the ship again. Eleanor may not be the warmest mothers, but she was comically glad I took the break. Every time she looked at my belly I felt like she was putting imaginary oven mitts on.

This has got me thinking the kind of mother I want to be. Eleanor does love me, I am aware. But, there is a corner of my heart where resentment hides for the way she treated a younger me. I want to try better with Henry. I already know Chuck will be a fantastic father. He is so attentive and attuned to my needs. I feel lucky and ready to enter this new phase in my life. 

I wish Serena had stayed in New York. LA feels so far away and I resent calling for her when I know she is occupied with her new movie project, or selecting the perfect dress for the Golden Globes. That uncultured beau of hers wouldn't have made things easy anyway. It was no shock that Serena took LA by storm, what shocks me every once in a while is her utter lack of revelation that she is stuck with a toad. I hope she visits New York soon. Nate has taken on a role of a surrogate Serena in the time being. The Spectator has finally taken off the launch pad and he is a busy man. I do appreciate him taking time out for me, if only I didn't harass the man. I blame my hormones. It has been a wonderful seven months of blaming my hormones for every discretion. But once Henry is in my arms, I wonder if I will be a changed woman. 

--x--

5 December, 2013 
Dear Diary, 

Nate fainted. I would have burst out laughing if it weren't for the fact that I had just given birth to an eight pound human being and was low on blood pressure. I daintily collapsed on my bed and watched my poor crying baby through a small slit in my tired eyes. He was beautiful, just perfect. No wonder his uncle Nate fainted. Chuck was away on a business trip and I just know he will be so proud of our boy when he gets to hold Henry in his arms. 

Serena visited me in the afternoon. I was angry she wasn't with me the whole day, but I was in a compliant mood with my baby nestled in my arm. It was nice to have all the people I loved in the room. I was glad Humphrey had chosen to stay behind in LA. The day was just perfect. I fell asleep looking forward for my husband meeting his son. 

--x--

27 May, 2014 
Dear Diary, 

Chuck complains about Henry and then ten minutes later I find the man cooing my son to sleep. I couldn't have expected better of Chuck, well that is when he is in Manhattan. Sometimes it's difficult to remember we both are just twenty four. My mother gives me a snide look that says I should have listened to her advice of having the baby later. But having lost a baby, I wasn't losing another. She should be glad that I didn't end up a teen mother, I suppose I have to thank Nate's utter lack of interest in me for that. 

The love I have for Henry is so intense and more than any other love I have ever had, it surprises me. I couldn't resent my boy even if he demanded my very life. Not to sound like a poetic mess, but motherhood feels like an ocean from which all other kinds of love are borne. I sound as pathetic as Dan Humphrey. That should mean I am definitely sleep deprived. I might have neglected journaling in the past few months, but only because I am busy using all minutes being dead to the world whenever possible. Is that Henry I hear? Ughh. I knew I should have slept.