Riples and Waves

Infallible

Tommy was at the top of the world and then he was at his own grave site. Clashing images and sounds dulled by the thumping of his heart, by pulsing pain in his chest. A sharp swell of sound. He almost got everything. Every fucking thing. He almost had Grace and the races and revenge, but he lost it. He lost control, he didn't catch the signs, he allowed Lizzie to be hurt, he wasn't there in time.

It made him sick, his incompetence. He prided himself on fucking thinking didn't he? When had that ever worked for his family, eh? His thinking had gotten them with a noose around their necks, hate around their eyes, bullets on their chests. Grace and John's lives, Arthur's sanity.

Tommy wanted, — no — needed a smoke but his hands trembled too much. His hands, he looked down, were pressed against his chest wrapped around another's hand. Oh fuck, Anna! Another one he needed to help. Except that was stupid because he was in no shape to help anyone! Why did people keep asking him for that? Help. He had become a bumbling fool that couldn't control his own thoughts for long enough to stop this endless attack! He needed more opium, or dope, or... something because this was going to happen again. Oh God it was going to happen again! When? Could he predict it? Could he fight it? His breath quickened.

Anna, right, pay attention Shelby the lady is talking to you! What does she want again? How long has she been calling his name? He did remember her asking something about touching... could she touch him? Yeah, that was it. Had he answered her? Well he must have, right? Her hand was in his so he probably said yes. Why would he though? Why would he allow her to see him in this state? Why was it that she always caught him in the most undignified of states, for that matter?

"Tommy..." Focus! His eyes found hers.

"Tommy, does your left arm hurt?"

His arm. Did it hurt? How the fuck should he know that? He could barely feel anything beyond his hands on hers, it was almost as if his body wasn't real. If the situation wasn't real. That would be nice. It could be one of his dreams. He would love that, he could wake up from those. Oh God, was he saying this? Did he actually miss the nightmares? This was worse than he thought it would be.

Anna still looked concerned, why was that again? Right, he owed her an answer. Did his left arm hurt. Why did that matter again? Was he dying? It had felt like he was, a while ago. Before this little room, but no... he knew what this was, it happened to Danny all the time right after the war. He would be convinced that he would die and then he would go fucking crazy and attack people on the street... Was that going to be him? This was going to happen again, he knew it was, it was useless to hope otherwise with his luck. His fucking luck!

Her hand moved in his. His left hand. That did hurt a little from clutching hers in a vice for so long... that was embarrassing, but also good because his arm didn't. His chest hurt and breathing hurt and the light in his eyes hurt because he didn't seem to be able to blink enough but his arm was fine.

He shook his head at her.

"Okay, that is good." Her soothing voice came over him with the blessing of rhythmic circles on the back of his hand. How long had it been since he allowed himself any comfort? Ha, comfort! He didn't deserve that, he almost killed his own family, he watched them get arrested in front of him and he did nothing to prevent it. He allowed Esme to take his nephews away, and he was right to do so because they were safer with crazy Esme than around him, he deserved no comfort. Comfort died with Grace.

And now, beyond a selfish arsehole he was a crazy one! He should never have taken the fucking vacation! Serves him right for listening to advice from fucking Arthur. Arthur, who married Linda of his own free will, that let her convince him to stop drinking and start repenting. There was no repenting, not for people like them. Or maybe it did, for his brother, Arthur was crazy but good hearted. A well trained dog, and he was its master. Every despicable action Arthur had taken after France was either instigated or allowed by Tommy and he prided himself on it.