Love On The Pitch

You and Me

"Damn it... I gotta get out of here", she says as she rises for the sofa grabs her car keys and heads for the underground of her apartment. I need something to shake me from all this, get me out of this slump and get me back to some sense of normalcy. Hitting the stairs and climbing into her Fiat, she knows where to go. A good run on the pitch alway cleared her head in the past. Why wouldn't it today. As she headed out onto the main road to Bayern field, she thought about the last few days and the empty feeling in her apartment without him. "How could I have been so selfish? He's suffering too. He's feeling this loss too ... I was so consumed by my own grief that I didn't even consider his", she thought as she turned on the off ramp to the out door parking by the field. Somehow, I have to make this right. 

Looking out over the damp grass, Bastian clasps his fingers together and lowers his head to his hands. That feeling of wanting to scream in pain was so overwhelming his chest tightens up and his knuckles turn white from clenching so hard. Feeling the sorrow set up shop in his chest, he stands quickly and starts his sprint around the pitch. Pullin his hoodie over his head he starts off on a steady jog. "I can't do this, I can't do this , I can't do this", he screams in his head as the tears spill over the top of his eyes. "I know she needs space but I can't do this alone... I'm not strong enough for this." Flashbacks of the hospital room. Alex keeled over in pain, clutching her side. The doctors administering pain meds to ease her suffering. All I could do, was sit there and watch helplessly. Pushing harder into his legs he rounds the pitch. Pushing faster and faster till his lungs feel like bursting. Finally cornering the goal post, sprinting down the centre of the pitch to finally collapse from exhaustion. Flopping to his back and pulling his hands to his face, he gives in to his pain. The pain of their loss. The pain of seeing the women I love hurting and the pain of not knowing how to fix this.  The audible sound of his anguish fill the field as the tears fall down his face.  Anyone passing by in this moment  would have thought he was injured by the rocking motion of his body back and forth on the grass. Feeling like an Italian player exaggerating a foul hit for the refs, he didn't care. Anything to help subside the pain that radiated through his body. "Deep breath", he says as he wipes the tears from his eyes. Rolling over and pushing up to his knees he runs his hands though his sweat soaked hair then lifts his gaze from the ground. Off in the distance their eyes connect. Standing just outside the tunnel she takes his breath away. No words are needed now.

Feeling a sense of urgency build, Alex jogs down the tunnel towards the bright stadium lights to the empty pitch. Breaking free from the darkness, she comes full stop near the entrance. Lying on his back in pure emotional agony Bastian wipes the tears from his face and rolls over to his knees.... their eyes meet.

They just stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. Then, Bastian rises from the grass and starts a slow walk towards her. She moves too... never breaking her gaze. Suddenly, as if panic sets in, their walk turns to a full on sprint. The tears break at each corner of her eyes as they pick up pace towards one another. The distance closes between them and with all of her strength, she leaps from her feet to jump into his arms. Those strong protective arms.

Reaching out, Bastian catches Alex as she launches her body into his arms and sobs uncontrollably. This is it. He thought. This is the first time she has let go since their loss. Her body quakes in his arms as the pain tumbles out in waves. Every ounce of sadness, fear and anger. This was what they needed. Her to let go, and him to catch her.

"IM SORRY... IM SORRY.. IM SORRY", Alex sobs between breaths. Dropping to his knees with her pressed to his chest he reaches up to stroke her brown locks and comfort her. With tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat "Nichts, um meine Liebe zu bedauern."(nothing to be sorry about my love) Bastian replies softly. " it was a boy" she sobs.... "Your son".... as she buries her face deeper into him. Bastian can't hold it in, he sobs into her hair as they hold each other tight. I'm so sorry" she sobs again. Completely and utterly inconsolable. All they can do is hold each other. After a moment he pulls away to look at her face. "Don't you dare apologize... I love you and we will get though this...together." Framing her cheeks with his hands, he gently pulls her in for a kiss. "I was so afraid I would lose you that I pushed you away to hide from it all." She's says through her tears. Angling her chin so their eyes meet , "do you remember what I said when we first fell in love?".... don't ever doubt my feelings for you. I love you with every breathe in my body."

Alex leans in and deepens their kiss. Brushing his hair back with her fingers she looks deep into his eyes. "Take me home" , she's says as she pulls him in close. Wrapping his strong arms around her he lifts her from the grass and into his body as he stands. Wrapping her legs around his waist and her arms around his shoulders, she nuzzles her face to his neck. Breathing in he  takes a deep inhale as her hair brushes his face and cheek. What is broken can be fixed, he thought as they crossed the pitch with her tight in his arms. We aren't whole yet but one step at a time.

Stepping through the doorway, Bastian doesn't waste any time. He carries Alex straight down the hallway to his room. Their room. Laying her down in the centre of the bed she looks up at him with sad eyes. "I love you Bastian.... and I'm so sorry for being selfish, I was so numb from all this pain that I couldn't  be there for you." 
"No more apologies baby... you are here now that's all that matters to me." Pulling his body on top of hers, he leans down to deepen a kiss. Reaching up to touch his face Alex pulls back,
"I..... can't right now... she says as he moves a piece of hair from her face. "I'm not ready yet".
"Take all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere" with that he slips onto his side and pulls her in close to his chest. Wrapping the duvet around them he feels her breathing slow and her body become heavy with sleep. Holding her. Thats all he needed. This was his healing. From that moment on he knew they could overcome anything. The loss of the baby, their son, was unthinkable but the loss of one another was more catastrophic then he could have imagined. Kissing the top of her head he whispers , "you and me my love ....you and me ... we got this."