M o n s t e r

Chapter four

I am going insane.

Maybe what all my schoolmates and teachers were saying was finally coming true. I was a delusional, sick, twisted human being whose mind was on the verge of collapsing into total chaos. If I was truly going insane, my mind on the edge of shattering and breaking, I'm pretty sure there would be no mending it. I was already so screwed up. If I was finally hallucinating sympathetic people who wanted me to be a hero because I was so bitterly lonely in reality, then I was loosing it.

There was no such things as steam girls, mystic magical beings who helped people when they got lost in the forest. There was no evil, revengeful Trival out to murder the last guardians that protected it. There was only reality, and I was planted right in the middle of its cold brutality, no matter how much I wanted to change it.

 I raked a hand through my hair and caught sight of myself in my bathroom mirror.

I looked haunted. My brown hair was tousled and ragged from where I'd pulled my fingers through it so many times when pacing around my room all night thinking about what I thought I'd experienced in the forest. Underneath my dark blue eyes were purple-grey half crescents of tiredness, exhausted bruises of a hundred sleepless nights; Their weight finally deciding to crash down on me on this one night that I was questioning my sanity.

 I took in a stuttering breath, trying not to panic, to lose it, to fall so far into doubt and paranoia that I wouldn't recognize myself anymore. I could overcome this. If I was hallucinating, if I was passing into a world created by my mind that took all control of my senses and thoughts, then I could find help. There was medication for mental illnesses now, people could still live normal lives even with a mind that betrayed them. I could do that, I could be strong enough to recognize that something was wrong with me and find help.

I wouldn't spiral into the dark loneliness that plagued my mind, I wouldn't succumb to that. Not again.

My alarm clock started to ring and I stared at the blinking electric green numbers: 7:30 Since the incident, I hadn't thought about school, the next day. I had forgotten that the world keeps spinning around and around. That it waits for no one.

I inhaled, and moved over to my closet. I reached into my closet and drew out a fresh dark blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I slipped the shirt over my head, being careful to mind the gashes on my ribs that still flamed when ever I stretched or moved the muscles in my side, as well as the cut along my collarbone that twinged when I moved my arm. I pulled on my jeans and threw on my leather jacket that would hide the bruises and scrapes inflicted by Thomas's kicks on my forearms.

There wasn't much I could do to conceal the dark bruises along my jaw and cheeks, just keep my head down and hope people would go on ignoring me like they always did. I didn't know what lie I would tell if someone asked me about the anger inflicted wounds, what story I would make to hide the truth.

My stomach twisted at the thought of lying. I disliked it, it wasn't something I enjoyed but it was necessary considering the situation my life was in. I didn't want anyone to know what was happening to me, see the look of shame and disgust as their words would call me a weakling, a coward, an unwanted. So I kept everyone out. Far enough away they would never know me. I had gotten good at it, but I tried to make the lies as little as possible. Only enough to hide the truth of my life.

But it was painful to be constantly surrounded by a sea of people and not have one know more than my name. I could never confide in a best friend who knew the date of my birthday, my favorite color, the type of music I liked. I wouldn't ever be able to offer advice to someone about a problem because I never spoke to anyone except when they asked about my bruises or when the teacher called on me to answer a question. No one knew me. No one knew who I was, what my personality was like, what ordeals and problems I had gone through to make me who I am today.