Never will be

Chapter 1: drunk texts

Neil: Do you like me?

My hands tremble as I saw those letters formed into something that could make my heart scream at its loudest pitch.

I don't know what to say so I said,

Me: secreeeet

Please don't trigger what I'm avoiding and containing these past few months. I'm trying my hardest just to fight what I'm feeling.

Neil: Tell me

He's drunk but he's in his true self when he consumed alcohol. Yet I'm so afraid of moments like this. I never want people to know the vulnerable side of me.

Me: Do we really need to have a heart to heart talk?
Me: I really don't know. Sometimes it's a yes and sometimes it's a no.

I know what I'm feeling is wrong that's why I'm avoiding all these feelings. I'm gonna get hurt if I continue this. Please don't make me want you more. Please don't make my heart out on its comfort.

Neil: Please tell me
Neil: I'm gonna tell you now while I'm still strong enough to say this.

My heart pound a million times and it feels like my breath just stops. I close the messenger app and close my eyes but when I open it again, I felt like my heart hiccups.

Neil: I really like you but I don't want to get deeper than that because you know our issue. I don't want them to think that I broke up with Mila because of you that's why I avoided you that time 'coz I don't want you to be involve in my breakup.

My breathing becomes much more louder. My eyes moisten and I look at the screen once again. I don't know what I'm feeling. Sadness? Relief? Pain? I don't know.

Neil: I'm sorry but I don't want to be judged like that and I don't want you to get involve.

Neil: that's why I don't want my feelings to be deeper than a crush 'coz I don't want them to judge you the way they always think of you.

That night, I also told him that I like him but actually, I don't just like him. I think,

I think I'm falling :(

Since our first year, we became the what they called "love team" in our class. I really want them to stop teasing us 'coz this is my weakness. I don't want my heart to fall again and repeat all the moments that made me doubt love again. Yes, he just went out from a long term relationship. The reason of their breakup?    Jealousy and my existence.

Mila got jealous since we always get partnered up when we have school dance and other school activities then get teased in our class. I never want to be in this kind of situation. I'm always the second choice or the third wheel. Always the girl who fix guys for the other girls. I don't want to be therapist anymore. I just wanted to be chosen.  This is not the love that I prayed for. This is not the situation that I'm always daydreaming about because I know that in the first place that We will never be...

more than that.

.
.
.
He said some more and I replied comforting him just like I always do. We are friends in the first place so maybe I still have the role of a friend to comfort him yet my heart just wanted to rest that night.

Then I talk to God and told him a long paragraph that I always saved in my phone. It's like my protection prayer and this is what it says:

Please don't let me get attached to what's not meant for me. Don't let me get attached to someone that you plan on taking away from me. I know your plan is unknown but until you reveal it to me, please make it easier. Don't let me fight for what I need to release. Do not let me desire on what will eventually destroy me. Do not let me love those who will break my heart. Don't let my mind trick me into wanting things I don't need or things that are not good for me. Please don't let my heart miss people who don't miss me. Don't let my heart long for the ones who left. Don't let my heart fall in love with someone who doesn't want to stay. Please don't let me get attached to the things and people that keeps me up at night, to people who leave me wondering and to places I'm not meant to live in. Bring me closer to what's meant for me, let me hold to those who are meant to stay.

I've always been curious about love. What's the feeling of being in love? How does it feels like to be loved by someone? How far can you go for love? If love will really come to me, I hope it will come in a perfect timing. I've been watching, witnessing and reading lots of love stories and I'm just wondering when will mine come?

Will it stay?

Or will it just stop by?

But in my case, I think what happened is the contrast. A mutual feelings but in a wrong timing and a love that will only stop by for a while and leave the moment after.

[Author's message: this story will be like my diary of my journey to this first time life experience. I will be updating it when I have time and my heart will be full to just take it all in. Thank you.]