Dear You (On Going)

Chapter 1

  April 17, 2011 

     A little coincidence I thought I’d mention before I begin. One of my diary’s name is my crush's. Hey, the manufacturers named it after him, not me. It wasn’t intentional though, I would have bought the damn thing anyway.

    It was beyond perfect. Maybe it’s just destiny, or maybe I’m an obsessed douche bag who doesn’t know it yet. Anyway, let me describe to you the 'piece of résistance'.

     The colour of it was pitch black, wound tightly together by thin sewing wool. Zigzagged lines ran through vertically at a constant pattern. Wait what? Constant pattern? Really? I’m thinking if that made sense or not, well, nonetheless, I don’t care.

     Okay first entry in this cherishing book, how fortunate that it had to be on a much loathed number that I so happened to start on – seventeen. A horror movie could be based on that number; you’d look at it and immediately scream in fear. Yeah. I loathe that number. Don't even ask why. I'll let you know soon enough. You know what, if this was the day I spent to purchase this diary, the odds are that this entry would be boring anyway.

April 18, 2011

     Next day, that certain special someone walked home with me and one of my best friends. It wasn’t all that great. He admitted that he would date his current girlfriend’s best friend if he wasn’t dating her. Ouch, that’s got to hurt. I’m wondering why he gave it away so easily though.

      But you know, I can’t help but think that the words that roll off his tongue have something to do with me. Not that I’m completely sure he likes me at all or finds me anything attractive. It’s just a feeling or 6th sense.

     Yeah, so I sound vain, or maybe I am vain, but I know something, I’m not blind, just naive and I can read signs. My best friend says I’m a detective, I’m smart and observant. Ha, so it isn't just me.

     Okay, moving on, let’s talk about the guy I adore and his sense of humour. I’m not saying it’s completely lacking, he’s goofy and it’s one of the traits I like best about him. Though one simple wrong joke slipped out and it wasn’t pretty. I mean, does telling me that one of my classmates is homosexual and screws himself with his own finger really attractive? I don’t think so. Jeez, he's such a dope.

     I’m thinking I need to have some sort of code name for this boy, not my daily ones that I use between my friends and I – Spear (the most known and extremely unrelated to the topic), Rainbow (back in the ol’ days, how hippie of me) or some random sort of chocolate. Something more personal, created only from the experiences I’ve encountered with him. Maybe it’ll be simply ‘you’, that is because my life basically centres around 'you'.

Not! Well, yeah actually it does.

     I’m pathetic, and everytime I begin to believe that I’m slowly losing interest, I see you again, walking around with your typical boy-band hairstyle. Your child-like figure in your adorable outfits that only suit you and let us not forget your American accent and your priceless smile. And frankly, I seemingly just cannot forget you or put a border between us, our paths are candidly inevitable. It's frustrating.

     And it pains me to know I have flaws, that there are secrets and problems that I’m not very proud of, that people I thought were my friends are backstabbing insecure girls and that my heart is running a riot. I have many spilt personalities, funny thing is, they’re all me.

     I don’t have depression, or bi-polar, I’m not moody because I’m on my period or cranky because my nail broke. I’m just a teenager girl and my emotions are always kept bottled up.

     And sometimes I just feel that I'm unworthy of you, or that I'm wasting my time. And then all sentimentality I have towards anything implodes unexpectedly, and I’m left stranded and alone picking up the pieces and putting back on that fake smile.

April 21, 2011

     Oh god, I swear there is something going on between us, so why do you insist on being such a jerk. You either call off our shitty relationship or build it up. There is no such thing as a one sided relationship, you can’t believe that this is actually healthy, or that this sick game you’re playing is fun.

     I’m a human being and I know you know what I feel. You’re not blind either and it doesn’t take a detective to uncover the obvious clues. No one is oblivious to what really matters.

     So tell me, do you love her, are your expectations of the future equivalent to hers, do you want to marry her just like she wants to marry you, and does she know you’ve cheated on her before. Huh, of course not, you mediocre egoist, you don’t even realise it yourself.

     You’re just a silly boy, you don’t understand life’s objective at all. I can’t say I know it either, so yeah I’m just a silly little girl. And when I run my mouth and thoughts like this, it doesn’t mean I want to be with you. Heck, I never want to be with you, yeah I might love it when I’m with you, but your probably the essence to many of my problems too. I don’t feel free when I think of you.