Beyond A Feeling

What's Happiness?

Primrose

The yelling. The screaming. The insults. The bottles. I stare at my mother as she slurs out horrible words that should never be said to anyone.

“Get the fuck out! You’re the reason he’s gone!” She manages to blurt out between drunken hiccups. I stare at her in pain and take a deep breath. My father died due to cancer 2 years ago. Ever since his passing, my mother has become an alcoholic and blames me everyday. I know it wasn’t my fault, but hearing those sickening reminders of what I could have done to keep him around a little longer, rips at the feelings I’ve hidden away for so long.

“Why do you hate me?” I almost whisper to her, but loud enough for her to hear. She glares at me with her glossy eyes from the amount of alcohol she’s consumed. I knew what the answer was, but I hoped that one day it would change. It hadn’t.

“You took my only happiness! My world, Primrose! You… you could have kept him alive if you actually loved him like I did!” My mother chokes out. She was now crying in hysterics, choking out the words with so much venom, it was dangerous. I hold back my tears as my heart sinks, hearing words worse than before. I loved my papa, I miss him everyday. Today was especially hard because it is his death anniversary. I hang my head low to hide the now welling tears in my eyes. I turn away from her and make my way down the hallway of our old and beaten up trailer home. My mother continues to scream harsh words at me, but they fade as I walk into my bedroom and close the door, locking it to avoid her coming in.

This was my everyday life with that woman. She never loved my papa the way I did. Not in a million years. I lean against my door and slide down to the floor, letting my tears flow down my face freely. She wasn’t allowed to see me in such a broken state, I didn’t want to seem weak to her or she would know where it hurt me most. I choke out soft sobs.

I’m sorry papa. I am so sorry.. But why did you have to leave me alone? It was a hard thing to think about. I hug my body into a tight ball and shake. I didn’t want to be here any longer. I never wanted to stay after he passed away.

After a few moments of choked sobs, I shift my gaze toward my bed. The box. I get on all fours and crawl toward my wooden twin sized bed and sit beside it. I pull out a small wooden box from the back and run my fingers along the groves of the hand-carved wood. My papa made it for me when I was a little girl. He gave it to me to store all of my jewelry and knicknacks. It was truly beautiful, but now it stores the very things that help me forget.

Inside of the small, glossed, oak box are three items; a small, black switchblade, a handwritten note, and a gold chain with a locket. These three items were the only things that kept me sane in this nightmare.

~~~

I sit in class and sigh, listening to the loud chatter around me. People were filing into class, taking their seats and finishing up conversations before the bell blares through the speakers. The room sorts and quiets down as the teacher walks in and begins to speak. I gaze out the window, half listening in case my name is called.

"Alright class, today we have a new student joining us! Please give him a warm welcome and help him out." Mrs. Castro, the chemistry teacher, announces. "Go ahead and introduce yourself."

My gaze shifts from the beautiful blue sky to a tall brunette at the front of the classroom. His messy brown hair was styled to a "perfect bedhead" look. His honey brown eyes meet with mine for a second before he scans the classroom full of people. My cheeks heat up to a pale pink causing me to jerk my eyes back to the window.

"Hey, I'm uh Matthew Patel. Nice to meet you all." He gives a half smile and a small wave before the teacher instructs him to sit at the table behind me. You have GOT to be kidding me. Before I could think further, I heard HER voice.

"He can sit by me! I can catch up on what we've gone over since I'm ahead, anyways." Deliah Hartley, the most popular girl in school, chanted, standing by her desk. Her blonde hair falling effortlessly around her shoulders. Of course she'd offer, why wouldn't she? I couldn't help but give a small huff and lay my head down on my desk.

"Well, isn't that just perfect! Thank you Ms. Hartley." Mrs. Castro bubbles. Great. Another play toy to get fucked by Deliah and have his reputation ruined. Fun. I roll my eyes and sit back up as the teacher gets her materials ready for today's lecture. I make eye contact with the new boy as he walks toward his seat by Deliah, which happens to be the lab table beside mine. Our eye contact breaks as soon as Hartley's high pitched voice tears through the silence. Poor kid. Just glad I'm not him.

~~~

The day proceeds as usual as I go from class to class, skipping lunch, and waiting for my favorite part of the day; after school. Yes, I know "after school" is typically any high schoolers favorite part of the day, but that's because they usually like going home. That isn't the case for me. I get to go to the skatepark. My one getaway from this fucked up world.

I get antsy as I sit quietly in my last period class, precalculus. I couldn't help but think about riding my new longboard to and around the skatepark. I managed to save up enough money over the summer to be able to buy a new one, since my original board was at least 5 years old and was on its last life. Just the thought of a smooth ride, no squeaks or weird bends when I turn sounds like a dream. Today I was finally able to ride it!

I daydream about it until I hear the bell, my signal to freedom blare throughout the class. We file out, grabbing our assigned homework from the teacher. Finally, I sigh a breath of relief, but it's short lived once I see Deliah all over New Boy. Rolling my eyes, I can't help but snicker as I walk past them. I couldn't give a flying fuck about him or anyone. NOTHING was coming in between me and my precious board, Melody.

The wind blew my bangs across the top of my head as I ran towards the skatepark. There was a skate shop close by that I bought Melody from. They were able to put on a custom griptape design for me at no charge. I'm pretty close with the employees that work there since I constantly see them at the park. I slow down in front of the graffitied building, panting. A huge grin spreads across my face as I walk in through the glass doors.

My favorite blonde peers at me from behind the long glass display case and shoots me a sweet smile.

"Hey runt. How are you?" The tall blonde asks me, sweetly. Scott is the founder and owner of "Newway Boards" and has been one of my best friends since I started skating at the nearby park.

"I'm good, day was boring as hell. Per usual. How's Melody?" I ask eagerly. I couldn't wait to get my hands on her and take her for a ride. He lets out a low laugh and graves her from behind the counter and sets the bubble gum pink board on top of the display case.

"She's finished and all yours, runt." I smile happily and give a small squeal of excitement as I stare in awe at the custom griptape. It was perfectly cut and set to have the outline of My Melody from Sanrio. Though there wasn't any detail in her face, it was still perfect. Simple and perfect. Scott lovingly gazes at me as I admire his amazing work.

"I'm assuming you hate it with that reaction." He scoffs out, jokingly. I shoot him a glare before scooping the board into my arms.

"I absolutely hate it." I joke back, letting a grin creep back onto my face. "Can I take her out for a test drive?"

Scott lets out a hearty laugh and crosses his arms, "she's not mine anymore, she's all yours runt. Do what you will." I hug the board before heading toward the door where I entered.

"Thank you Scotty! I love you millions!" I shout before heading out to the park.

"Love you too, runt. Be careful!" Scott calls out before the doors shut. He always called me runt, and I loved it. Scott kinda became an older brother/father figure for me ever since my papa passed away. I am grateful to have him in my life.

Now outside, I drop the longboard on the ground and rest one foot on top of the newly installed tape. Pushing off with my right foot a few times to gain speed, I stand atop the board and head towards the park. I feel like a princess… this was the first time I've felt like more than a waste of space; standing on top of this board riding towards my freedom. My happy place. My heaven.