drown it out / rob jetten x Jesse klaver / resse

drown it out

Sometimes there is simply no way out. sometimes there is no saving. Sometimes it's just better to leave it all behind and finally feel at peace. No more feelings, no more stress, no more conflictions no hate, no press, no colleagues who always want to bring you down.

To say Rob was struggling was an understatement. He felt like he was drowning and just didnt know how to keep his head above water anymore. The stress of being a politician and working 24/7 the constant hate online no matter what you do, the no time for family, his perfectionism are finally catching up to him.

The self-hatred. Not being able to see himself in the mirror anymore, disgusted at the way he looks, he sees all the imperfections people have been pointing out online, how his face has started to look paler, how he had become skinnier, how his hair has lost its shine. How he always has to wear long sleeves to cover up the scares. The scares no one is allowed to see. It would only show his weakness, it would only show how his mental health is going down. But these scares are the only thing he is in control of. These scares will drown out his own mind. Completely at ease when he sits on his bathroom floor with the razor blade in his hand. Mind fully turn off when the blade sinks into his wrist or thigh. The pain-numbing out everything else.

Rob didnt know how he got to this point. It slowly started to creep up on him, until he couldnt avoid it anymore. Sleepless night, no appetite, no energy left. Fully drained but he kept ongoing. The coffee and nicotine keeping him going. As a politician he mastered the skill of putting up a façade, pretending that everything was okay, pretending that he wasnt slowly slipping away.

But his biggest battle was his own mind, in constant battle, he was in a happy relationship with the best boyfriend he could have ever wished for, Sjoerd was his everything. Without Sjoerd, Rob would probably be at this point that he is at right now way sooner. But why couldnt he stop thinking about a certain curly-haired colleague, why was Jesse his straight married with 3 kids colleague constantly on his mind, at any time of the day, when he wakes up, when he starts working, when he is out on a date with Sjoerd. Why did he have to fall for Jesse when he was happy with Sjoerd. Or was he even happy, or was it just the comfort of how familiar it has become, to not return to an empty home, to have someone there for you who is willing to listen?

But Sjoerd hasnt been home for a while. Living in Malta for work. So Rob had been left alone, alone with his thoughts, no one to talk to.

And thats where we are now. Rob is sitting at his kitchen table on a Thursday morning he had decided to just not go to the parliament, he hadnt seen a need for it because before the sun sets he would be gone, hands shaking while writing his last farewell, he just doesnt see a way out of his own mind, he needed peace. The letters to his mom, dad, sister, and Sjoerd had already been written, there was a simply 1 more to go. The letter to Jesse. Rob knew this letter would shake up Jesse his whole life, and he knew he could easily take his feelings with him to the grave, but he felt like Jesse at least deserved to know.

The pen gliding over the paper while Rob is pouring his feelings out on that paper, finally being able to get it out of his own system. Finally ready to let go and be at peace.

When he is done writing he places all the letters neatly down on the table for someone to find them. He gets up from the table and walks to the bathroom, very well aware of what he is about to do. Very aware of the fact that within an hour he will be long gone, no more worries, no more feelings, no more pain. But h also knew there was still a way out, there was still a chance to hide the papers, seek help, tell someone. But telling someone would mean giving up the control, more pain, more thoughts, and Rob didnt know if he would be able to handle it. this was the only option for Rob.

So with that, he opened the cabinet underneath his sink and take the razer for one last time. He sits down on the floor back against the bathtub, he rolls up the sleeves to of his blouse, brain numb when he put the razor to his wrist just above the artery, he closes his eyes when he pushes the blade in, dragging it across his wrist, the plain slowly taking over his body. With shaking hands he switches the blade to the other hand, pushing it into the other artery making the cut deep and long enough. He slowly starts to feel dizzy, the world spinning. The blade drops to the floor, Rob closes his eyes and slowly feeling that he is starting to lose consciousness. He one last time thinks of Jesse his happy smile, the passion he speaks with during the debate, his curls, and his sweet voice. Before he fully loses his consciousness. Finally at peace.

Jesse felt like there was something off, as if something bad was about to happen. He couldnt put his finger to it, but he had that feeling. He showed up at the parliament bright and early. Ready for the day. Ready to debate, ready to put Thierry and Geert into place, and ready to see Rob. To grab coffee together before the day starts. But Rob wasnt there at the coffee machine where they meet up every morning. Jesse didnt think much of it, he must be running late, so he got his own latte and got Rob his strong black coffee and made his way to the chamber, placing Rob his coffee down on his table. But Rob didnt show up to the debate and Jesse started to worry, he texted Rob but the texts were coming through, class going straight to voice mail and the other D66 members didnt know where Rob was. This was so out of character, Rob would always show up even when he is sick.

Jesse didnt trust it and left mid debate, excusing himself. Leaving the parliament and made his way to Rob his apartment. He rang the bell but no one opened the door. Jesse prayed to god that the keys would be under the welcome mat, and luckily it was. He opened the door and went inside. It was quite, too quiet. We went into the living room but nothing there, also no Rob in the bedroom, when Jesse entered the kitchen, he saw 5 letters addressed to Rob his parents, sister, boyfriend to him, with his heart in his throat Jesse picked up the letter addressed to him and opened it.

Dear Jesse,

When you read this I can assume someone has found me and delivered the letter to you. You might wonder why this letter. To be honest Jesse I havent been doing great, not at all. I dont want to go into too many details, I dont want to burden you. But the hate, the stress, the self-hatred, the thoughts, the depression had gotten to me. There was no way out. there just simply wasnt. when you read this I am long gone, Ill be somewhere I can finally be at peace. You might wonder why I am writing to you. But I felt like you deserved to know. As a colleague as a friend, but mostly as the man, I fell head over heels with. Yes, Jesse Klaver, I had feelings for you, and they when deeper than just a simple crush. But I knew you would never return the feelings you are happy with Jolein and I knew that, thats why I never told you, scared of possible a strain on your marriage, scared of ruining our friendship. But ill be gone once you read this, there is nothing to ruin anymore.

Please Jesse fight the political fight for me that I lost, keep fighting for the climate, for the youth, for the education, fight for a better world, fight the fight I wanted to fight but couldnt anymore. I believe in you Jesse, I know you can win this fight, I know you can beat Mark in the next elections, I know you can. I'll be cheering and rooting for you from above, below, or beside you, wherever I might be in the afterlife.

Until we meet again my Klaaf.

Jesse had the tears streaming down his cheeks, this has to be a sick joke, Rob couldnt have committed suicide, he couldnt, there was so much left to fight for. Jesse sprinted to the last room he hadnt checked the bathroom. But when he opened the door he found Rob his lifeless body on the floor in a puddle of his own blood. Jesse immediately dialed 112 who were at Rob his place in no time. But there was no saving Rob, he was pronounced dead at the scene. Thats when Jesse finally broke down. Rob his family and boyfriend were called, the parliament was informed and soon it was all over the news. The dead of Rob Jetten was news worldwide. But Jesse didnt care, he just lost his friend his colleague, the man he had been in love with since the day Rob entered the parliament, there was no way back. Rob was gone and Jesse to late to confess his feelings.

hey, besties,

here is the new one-shot I promised, it was an angsty one, I know. I was simply in the mood for something a bit heavier with no happy ending. if you are familiar with my work you might have expected this from me because I love writing angst that will make you cry. not gonna lie I cried myself while writing the suicide note to Jesse.

I hope that even with the not-happy ending that you still enjoyed it. ill try and also update if they only knew tomorrow but no promises yet.

leave a vote and a comment, and let me know what you thought.

until we meet again.

lots of love,

your local Rob Jetten simp