Comfort Me || STRAY KIDS

Singing So Sweetly

✧

Seungmin is fairly confident in his singing. Out of all the members, he's the most stable—most composed, ever unswayed. The promotion to lead vocalist was unexpected, but he was quick to shoulder the responsibility. It was everything he wanted, more than he could have asked for.

That all came crashing down the day he woke up coughing, painful and hoarse. At first, they thought it was a typical cold. But with no apparent fever and no improvement over the course of two days, Chan suggested he see a doctor.

They diagnosed him with muscle tension dysphonia, or MTD. To simplify, he'd strained his vocal cords. Even after weeks of rest and mandated vocal therapy, Seungmin found his voice hadn't returned to normal.

And now, the deadline to finish recording his segment of their new track is rapidly approaching.

Seungmin finds himself within the confines of the recording booth, his resolve and confidence slowly crumbling away. Chan and Changbin are seated just beyond the glass at the control desk, entirely unaware of his internal battle.

He'd seen first hand the other member's struggles with anxiety and panic attacks. Sure, he'd been nervous—scared of performing and of being in the spotlight. But never has he physically shaken in fear. Is this what a panic attack feels like?

Is this what dying feels like?

Seungmin takes a breath, trying to calm the rapid pounding of his heart. "When do you want me to start, hyung?"

Chan's voice crackles over the speaker. "Whenever you're ready, Min. Don't forget to really punch the lyrics."

He nods, pulling the headset back up and over his ears. Seungmin steadies himself, and then begins to sing. It's alright—his voice is passable, but the notes feel strained and he nearly dies of embarrassment as his voice cracks towards the end.

"Sorry, sorry! I can do that better," He winces.

Changbin gives him a thumbs up through the glass. "No worries, you're doing really good. Let's try that again."

And so they go again, and Seungmin gives it his all.

And it's not enough.

It feels like he has to fight his own singing voice, something he'd never experienced until now. As the song goes on, he begins to feel the tight rein on his emotions waver, at risk of crashing upon him—drowning him. He's blinking back tears as the song concludes, already pulling the headset off.

His ears ring.

Seungmin slips out of the booth and past his hyungs, muttering something about needing the bathroom. The studio door clicks shut behind him before they can respond. His feet are carrying him swiftly in the direction of the men's room, his focus solely on finding some privacy to collect himself.

It's just his luck that he collides with someone, and even more his luck that said person is none other than Minho.

"Yah! Excuse—Oh! Hey Seungmin-ah," Minho grabs his shoulders to steady him, oblivious to the way his dongsaeng is shaking. "Where are you going in such a rush?"

"Bathroom," Seungmin offers, hoping he doesn't look like he's fighting tears.

Felix and Jeongin exit out of the same room Minho had, pausing their conversation as they notice Seungmin.

Felix frowns, perceptive as usual. "You okay? Your eyes are red."

Seungmin shrugs, slinking out from underneath Minho's hands. "Fine, just really tired. And I gotta go, so..." He trails off, gesturing awkwardly towards the restroom. He makes his escape, ignoring the eyes that burn a hole in his back.

The restroom is empty, much to his relief, and he's quick to lock the door. The moment that lock clicks, it's like the strength seeps from his body and he collapses to the floor. The world tilts and everything begins to shake—or is that just him?

Through the earthquake in his mind, he manages to thumb through his recent text messages and find the contact. He presses call—grasping the phone so tightly in his hand, the digits of his fingers are white.

"Hello?"

"H-hyung," Seungmin gasps, "is this what it's like? The world keeps tilting and I ca—can't stop shaking. I'm scared, I-I've never felt like this before. I just wanted to sing—"

"Woah—Seungmin-ah? What's going on? Where are you right now?" Jisung sounds frantic, there's the distant slam of a door through the phone.

Seungmin hugs his knees tighter, desperately trying to catch his breath. He's rocking now, the motion somewhat soothing. "Bathroom, third floor," he pants, "B-but, I can't—can't stop. What if my singing doesn't improve? I need to sing, it's all I have! Please—"

"S'okay buddy, I know," Jisung shushes gently. "I know you're experiencing a lot right now, it probably feels really overwhelming, right? I promise, it's okay—what you're feeling is valid. But you need to slow down."

Seungmin presses the heels of his hands to his eyes, hating the moisture he finds there. "I don—I don't know how."

"That's why you have me! Okay? I'll help. Breathe in for five—nice deep breaths," Jisung instructs. It sounds like he's running, Seungmin counts the seconds to the beat of his stride. "Okay, then hold it for five—good! Just like that."

Seungmin focuses, narrowing the gravity of his thoughts to the breathing exercise alone. Jisung continues to talk him through it, and then—

"Min-ah, can you unlock the door? I'm here."

With a bit of difficulty, he manages to unwrap himself and lean up, fingers fumbling over the lock. And then Jisung is sliding inside, pulling him into his arms. It's warm, Seungmin find's comfort in his hyung's presence.

"I got you, it's okay," Jisung soothes, stroking his hair. "Are you feeling better? Do you want to do the breathing exercise again?"

Seungmin shakes his head, hiding in the crook of Jisung's neck. "Just don't go yet, please."

"I'm not going anywhere. As long as you need."

They sit like that for a minute or so, Seungmin allows himself to be lulled into a softer place. There's a gentle knock on the door and Jisung is quick to reach up and open it.

"Hey, I heard someone wasn't feeling well." Chan kneels to face him, eyes soft. "Why didn't you say anything earlier, Min?"

"I just thought I was nervous." Seungmin mumbles, looking down at the tiled floor.

"About singing?" Jisung asks, "I thought your voice was all healed up?"

"It is—I think, but it's not the same anymore. What if I can't sing like I used to?" His voice wobbles and it's embarrassing, even more so than the panic attack.

Chan rubs his back softly. "I know it might not feel the same, but you sounded amazing in the studio today. I don't think your voice has changed all that much."

"Really?"

"I promise, I wouldn't lie about something like this. Musician to musician." Chan smiles and sticks out his pinky finger. "We can work on it, yeah? If you're feeling that unstable about your voice, there are things we can do to fix that."

Seungmin twists his pinky around Chan's, "I would really appreciate that, hyung. Thank you."

"Come on," Jisung stands, offering his hand. "Let's go conquer that stupid song."

"Yah! I wrote that song." Chan grumbles playfully. They stand, Jisung brushes the dust off of Seungmin and he takes a breath—then follows them back into the studio.

With the help of his friends, they're able to determine exactly where Seungmin is struggling. It's hard at first, to admit he feels shy about his voice. If it surprises the other members, they don't say anything. Just offering their support instead, and the occasional smile.

Maybe he's not quite as composed as he thought. But that's okay—cause he has his hyungs to pick up the pieces whenever he falls apart.