Interview With a Burmese Python

"We are on our way to the Everglades today to interview a Burmese Python. My scout contacted this particular python – one of the biggest living in the Everglades – last week and the python graciously agreed to do an interview today at 1:30 this afternoon.

"This python is now more than 20 feet long and more than a foot in diameter (based on the photos from my scout's cell phone). I don't know how much it weighs but that will be one of the questions I will ask "him". Actually I don't know whether it is a him or a her, and this is another of the questions I will ask. And also how someone who is not a snake can tell what a snake's sex is."

Arriving

"Hi there! Good to see you! Thanks so much for agreeing to this interview!"

"You're welcome. My pleasssssssssure."

"I hope you don't mind that we have this heavy wire mesh between us. I had a scary incident here last year when I was interviewing an alligator, and ever since then I always have protection during interviews with predator species."

"No I don't mind. I take it assssssss a complement! But do you also need those two men with gunssssssss pointed at me? Makesssss me nervousssssssssssss."

"Ok. I can do without the guys with the guns. Just promise you won't try to eat me during our interview."

"OK I promissssssssss"

"Thanks."

"So let's get started with the interview. What's your name?"

"Well my owners called me Henry, before I got too big and they dumped me here in the Evergladesssssss."

"Should I call you Henry then?"

"No I don't like that name any more, ever since my owners betrayed me."

"I'm sorry your owners did that to you. What name should I call you?'

"Well I think of myself now as "Big Sssssssssssssnake", So call me that."

"OK Big Snake, but do you mind if I don't hiss when I say the word "Snake"?"

"That'sssssss OK. I don't mind. It's really a sssssssnake thing anyway,"

"OK. Let's get down to some more interesting questions. I hope I don't embarrass you too much with any of these questions."

"So Big Snake, my first real question is, are you a male or a female, a boy or a girl? That's not an embarrassing question, is it?"

"No it's not embarrassing. I'm a girl. I always hated that my owners called me "Henry". They couldn't tell that I was a girl."

"How would someone like me tell if a snake was a male or a female?"

"Well if you're not a reptile, then it's very difficult. It's not at all obvious. Pull down a human's pants and you can easily tell if they're a male or a female. But it's not nearly so easy with a ssssssssnake."

"What if you rolled on your back and then told me where to look?"

"Well I wish it were that easy. The way another snake can tell – and I think this is true for most reptiles – is by smell. I can smell if another snake is a male or female from half a mile away!!"

"Wow! Do snakes really have such a good sense of smell?"

"Yes we have a great sense of smell. Much better than humans!"

"And you smell with your tongue, right, not your nose?"

"Yes that's right. Our tongues can smell a hundred times better than your nose can smell."

"Can you smell me?"

"Yes I can".

"What do I smell like to you?"

"Well, I hope I don't offend you, but you smell really bad!!"

"Oh! I'm sorry! I can't smell you at all. Is my smell offensive to you?"

"No, I lived with humans for a long time and got used to the smell. But a word of advice? I would definitely advise that you change your After Shave. Or better yet, don't wear any After Shave at all. Most reptiles would be sickened by your smell, and probably most mammals as well."

"Ok. Thanks for the advice."

"Next question. How do you like being a reptile?"

"Well, I really like being a snake. A big beautiful snake. Do you like my markings?"

"Yes, very beautiful markings."

"Thanks. I'm glad I'm a snake. Snakes are great! And Pythons are the best!! But I wouldn't want to be any other kind of reptile. The other reptile species are all inferior. Lizards? Crocodiles? Turtles? They are all completely inferior to snakes!! Even poisonous snakes are inferior to pythons. There is really no other animal I would rather be than a python!!"

"What about humans? Wouldn't you rather be a human?'

"Are you kidding me?? No way!! Humans are soft, noisy, smelly, stupid (ssssssssorry, no offense). And they are so ugly compared to a snake, especially a constrictor snake like me!'

(To be continued ...)