curious

NDA

thirty under thirty for another year
i can barely go outside, i think i hate it here
maybe i should think about a new career
somewhere in kauai where i can disappear

billies pov

everything seems so hazy. from the constant flashing of cameras around me, to the yelling outside of my childhood home on christmas eve, the earth seems to slow it's pace.

i'll admit, i signed up for this — the fame, the cameras, and the stalkers. i didn't think it would turn out the way it did, though.

no relationship is worth risking my reputation. no meaningless hookup is worth risking my numbers dropping dramatically, more than they already have.

no one likes the new sound. it doesn't sound like billie. it doesn't sound new, or exciting, or as meaningful as my freshman album.

am i not allowed to grow up? can i not be like a normal kid, and make mistakes?

no. everything about me has to be perfect. if not for the tabloids, for the album cover and release.

i have to be the perfect role model, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, and perfect girlfriend to the most arrogant assholes in los angeles.

nobodies. they want my money, and they want the clout. sometimes i trick myself into believing that my family wants to take the money from my pockets, but only when they ask me if they have to pay it back.

i don't understand why i can't just be normal.

what if i want to work at a grocery store in the middle of nowhere?

what if i want to go to a sex store and not be photographed?

what if i want to have a sneaky link? what if i want to be a whore? why does everything i do need to be reported, and spread all over the internet?

i want to run away. i need to run away. it's my only option.

i post my final instagram story before signing out, and deleting the app, doing the same to every one of my other socials.

billie eilish 2s ago

you bitches are way too much lol

___________________________________

i book a one way ticket for tomorrow night, and almost immediately receive a call from my publicist.

i ignore the call and pull myself from my bed, grabbing my black suitcase from the top shelf of my closet, and throwing as many clothes as i could into it.

the phone kept ringing, so i put it on do not disturb, and continued my packing. once everything i needed was stuffed into the suitcase, i fall backwards into my bed and let out a deep sigh.

i'm gonna do it this time.