Find Me After I Leave.

3

Sunday June 27: longer entry this time, be proud of me ⱠØVɆ

Do you know what I think of a mind as? I think of it as a home, and when you let people in your home they get comfortable and sometimes they get so comfortable they begin to wreck things. They begin to go into a room that has the door locked, barging into a room when you're on the other side slamming the door shut, they begin to take up so much ownership of your house and it becomes there's and they run it now, next thing you know they run you.

And the worst thing about these type of things is that it starts with your parents, do you know what I think of parents? they're human beings that don't know shit about what they're doing, they just have kids to have someone to take their trauma out on, they're one of the first people that you'd let live inside of your home and they wreck things because they feel that they own you.

Ladies and gentlemen my mother, she was the type of person that always had to watch her back as a kid, she didn't listen to anyone because nobody listened to her and a part of me pities her for all the bullshit she had to go through, but what right does she have to put it all on me? One minute she's telling me how much she loves me and how grateful she is to have a child that she can tell anything and the next minute, she's telling me how hard I make things for her, and how dumb I am, and how I'm "not normal".

You see, I wish I could tell you that I hated her and that I could care less if she was found in a ditch somewhere covered in blood, but when you go day after day suffering, week after week drowning, feeling like your body is eating itself, you start to become addicted to something you feel you can't change, you start to adapt.

Ever since my father and mother broke up when I was 11 everything just went down from there, growing up my mother was never the woman she is today, she wore appropriate clothing, she cooked, she smiled, she laughed. She'd spend time with me, she'd asked me, "What's going on in your world today?" And that question has stuck with me since the day I heard it come out of her mouth, I repeated it to myself every single day because that's the only thing I have of my mother, the one I knew.

The more I get to know you the more satisfied I am that you opened my book, I want you to be a part of my happy ending, I want you to be my zen, be my peace.

And for the love of God, please don't set my house on fire.