ten things I wished for [discontinued]

i had more time

A soulmate who wasn't meant to be
jess benko
⇄◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻

Jennie,

I was never the one who pays attention to what other people were saying or doing. I was not the perfect person when it comes to observing a person's mannerism even if we were together for a long time now.

I do have two closest friends, but other than Rosie hating avocados and liking almost every other food, or Jisoo being inlove with chickens and addicted to videogames, all of this wouldn't even enter my mind if they didn't tell those to me.

In short, I was not observant.

But I knew a lot of things,

I knew that Lisa hated being told to – she hated being controlled.

Lisa didn't want to worry her family, that's why she opted to do things on her own and she refuses help.

How Lisa's nose scrunch up when she's annoyed, or her brows meeting in the middle when she's confused, her thumb scratching her other thumb when she's nervous, or how she hated it when her bangs exceeds even the slightest inch of its usual length.

I wasn't usually observant. But when it comes to Lisa, I noticed every little thing she was doing.

"What are you staring at?" she asked, as she picked up the fries on the plate we were sharing.

I feel like I'm inlove with you, you idiot.

"Nothing, you look bad," I teased, and she rolled her eyes,

"Really? Almost thought you were falling inlove with me by the way you stared at me,"

I tried not to widen my eyes out at what she said, was I that obvious?

"No shit,"

"Come on, we have to go to your place before dinner. Or else Jisoo and Chaeng would go crazy thinking where we are," she said and pulled me up as we left the park.

It was one thing I liked about her meeting my friends. Jisoo and Chaeng welcomed her to our little circle, and ever since – the four of us were the best of friends.

And it has been an unspoken tradition that Saturdays were our little get together where the four of us would have dinner on mine. My mother loved that idea very much.

Entering the house, Jisoo and Rosie were already in here and was chatting away with mother about god knows what.

"Yeah, and then this very cute guy asked Jisoo out. But she straight up just said 'I'm gay,' like how funny is that?" Rosie said and the three of them burst out laughing.

My mom was always open about what me, Jisoo and Rosie were up to. And now that Lisa has entered our circle, she was always open for my new friends just like the good hearted woman that she is.

"Okay guys cut it off. Stop gossiping with my mom." I said and they all turned their attention to me and Lisa. I went to my mom and gave her a kiss before being engulfed by a hug from the two after they squeezed the life out of Lisa on a hug, too.

"What took you guys long?" mom asked as she started preparing the food.

"We forgot about the time. We were enjoying the park too much." Lisa explained,

"Come on you two. Invite us sometimes!" Jisoo teased.

"Yah! We're your friends, too!" Rosie added.

"Yeah, but are you guys dying, too?" I said at a sudden outburst I didn't know how it occurred on me.

Everyone stopped eating and they all looked at me, I was too afraid to look at Lisa. To see the sadness and pain in her eyes, to see how bad it would affect her.

"Nini," Lisa said, "What's the matter?"

"I'm sorry," was all I said as I stood up and left the table.

As soon as I went in my room and closed my door, I felt like my lungs was being sucked out of air and I was sitting on my bed, crying like crazy. I did not mean to outburst as sudden as that, I just felt like my whole body was betraying me. I felt like I was losing time. I felt like I was being chased by death.

My mother's knock on the door and her soft calling for me brought me out of my trance, "Nini? Can I come in?"

I didn't answer, it was given that she was coming in anyway. She opened the door and gave me a soft smile as she slowly sat on my bed as she opened her arms and I crawled to where she was as she embraced me in her warmth. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" she asked.

I sighed, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, love. I just wanna know why you did that."

I was trying not to breakdown and cry, but I was the biggest crybaby ever, "I don't wanna die, mom. I don't wanna leave. I don't want Lisa to leave, I wanna be normal. I wanna live without the constant fear of dying, mom. Why can't I have that? Why can't Lisa have that? Why is it so unfair?" I cried.

"Baby," my mother hugged me tighter and kissed my head as I felt each of her tear on my cheeks, "I'm sorry. I wish I could take all of your pain away, love. I wish I could do that."

"I like her mom. Lisa." I said, "I like her so much and it pains me to think we don't have enough time."

And in that moment, as I was cradled in my mother's embrace, wailing my eyes out as it turned red. With the thought of my blonde girl who was probably home and worried about me, I wished for one thing, I wish I had more time.