HeartThrob Hotline [h.s]

𝟬𝟮 - 𝗙𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲

So please hurry leave me
I can't breathe
Please don't say you love me
胸がはち切れそうで

[First Love/Late Spring
Mitski]

WC: 5282

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The faint and unfamiliar smell of dusky rose perfume floats through the air, encompassing the heated room in an embrace that feels heavy just like the weight of the conversation that needs to be had, the silence on his end is so loud and consuming that she can already feel the tension radiating off of him in waves.

"You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend." Dread roars in his stomach like the sound of the low crackling fire that burns in the back , how could he even look at himself in the mirror again never mind going home and looking into the eyes of his girlfriend that he conveniently forgot about. How could he do that to her? Hurt the one person that ever meant anything to him.

Meant.

The use of past tense is enough to bring tears to his eyes, but he can't cry, he knows it's incredibly selfish of him to be upset, especially when he's the one that betrayed her, but the sadness is coming from the knowledge of the impending end to his relationship and how deeply he fucked up.

"I forgot." It's astounding what the affects of alcohol can do to a person, but it's even more astounding what the affects of a hangover can do. Even more selfish excuses begin to flood his brain, like they're taunting him and reminding him of his mistake, telling him that he's a horrible person and he can't even deny that.

The room is so quiet that he fears she can hear the sound of his heart beating and breaking in his chest all at once. Is it even possible to have your heart split and beat at the same time? He's alive of course but he knows that a small part of his heart shattered the moment he realised the extent of what he did a mere few hours ago.

"How . . ." The stranger is just trying to understand what's going on and how they proceed from here, she's afraid of what her actions might do to his girlfriend even if she didn't know, she blames herself too.

"Because i'm — i'm stupid, so fucking stupid." The word selfish is the only thing registering in his brain, he knows his excuses are both selfish and victimising but he truly doesn't know how or why he did what he did. Deep down he knows but the things we refuse to acknowledge always come back to haunt us.

A hum comes from the girl, she can't disagree nor does she want to, she feels awful but she hopes he feels worse, grabbing his wallet off of the bedside table she peeks inside and bites her lip as her painted fingers gently run across a faded printed picture of a girl. "She's very pretty." It makes her feel sick now looking at the picture of his girlfriend, the reality was simply an idea before but now the blanket is being lain down atop of them.

"She is." He hums in return, the casual conversation would make it seem like they're just chatting about his beautiful girlfriend from an outside perspective but instead on the inside both of them are filled with an immense amount of guilt.

Guilt is such a strange feeling, it means being regretful of an action but can someone be regretful if they feel numb at the same time? Guilt courses through him but at the same time the feeling of nothingness is gnawing away at him, it's so much easier not to feel anything at all than to feel excruciating pain. Selfish. This would be nothing compared to the pain his girlfriend will feel and he knows it.