lost souls

Chapter 2 - stuck

[Author's note: Trigger warning for eating disorder, light blood, bullying, depression and suicide. If that could trigger you or makes you uncomfortable please skip this chapter. Stay safe.]

Rei stared at the soggy sandwich on the ground before him, his face only inches away from it, pressed into the concrete. His glasses next to it in a dirty puddle. The boys standing around him laughed. He grabbed his glasses and tried to get up but got pushed down again. He closed his eyes and felt the void within his stomach expand. It felt like it was eating him up from the inside but he didn't care. He had carried that sandwich around for a few days now and just couldn't get himself to eat it. His stomach twisted and tears ran down his cheeks. He couldn't breathe, couldn't see, couldn't move.. He could hear the laughter fading in and out. Blood dripping from his arms and knees, but he couldn't feel it, couldn't feel the pain. The next time he opened his eyes he was alone. It was afternoon and the school was empty. He got up and tried fixing his broken glasses. As he looked down to brush the dirt off of himself he realized he had ripped the knees of his pants. This had been his last pair and the school's dress-code didn't allow ripped jeans. He grabbed his shabby backpack and took a deep breath. His mother would be disappointed in him if he came home looking like this. She'd yell at him for ripping his jeans again. He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't talk to her. 

He needed a moment to breathe and slowly began to make his way up to the roof of the school. It had been his safe space for a long time. He was glad the school didn't lock the gates and doors in case students wanted to come there to study. Nobody but him ever did. Once he reached the top of the stairs he went outside, dropped his bag and sat down, leaning against the wall of the corridor, taking deep breaths and enjoying the cold afternoon breeze. His clothes were still a little wet but he could barely feel it. After a little while he got up and noticed a piece of paper on the ground. 'FAGGOT' it said in large, squiggly letters. He took it and crumbled it up, throwing it away in a wave of anger, disgust and panic. It hit the floor a few feet away and rolled off the edge of the roof. A scream was building up within his chest and he couldn't hold it in anymore. He screamed, his voice cracking. He screamed from the top of his lungs. He knelt down as tears began to run down his face and coughed, gasping for air. He felt so free, so light. A little dizzy. This can't be it, he thought to himself. Fuck this. Fuck it all. He shook his head and stood up, his vision going black for a few seconds he stumbled over to where the paper had fallen off. He took off his shoes and placed them beside him, dangling his feet off the roof for a little while, trying to calm himself. 

"You never fully know yourself until you're about to die.", a friend had once told him. He thought about those words for a little as the sky darkened and clouds covered the first stars. As he was about to get up he remembered his mother, his classmates, his teachers.. he couldn't go back. He felt stuck. Anxiety rushing through him, pure panic. He couldn't go back. He could feel the tears well up again, blurring his vision. One more deep breath and it was all over. A distant lightning lit up a part of the city only seconds after he hit the ground.