a locket of self desire

the lead in

cw: brief mentions of military/political corruption/politics, feelings of inadequecy, internalized ableism, mentions of ableism, reference to doctor appointments/check ups, derealization, memory loss

"So... new kid on the block," Puffy addresses, gazing at him from where she sits across from him. "How's that going?"

Tommy likes Puffy. It had been hard to switch over five months ago after a year of seeing his old therapist, but Puffy is great in her own ways. She doesn't put up with his bullshit and pushes him to be honest with himself and do better. She challenges him, which is exactly what Tommy needs.

She also used to be in the military which Tommy thinks is pretty badass. A captain apparently. She used to fly planes. Like he said, pretty badass.

Wilbur had been a bit wary of that, giving Tommy an odd look when he mentioned it before talking about the military, politics, and corruption. Tommy had learned a lot that day and it had shattered a lot of his beliefs about the nation's security systems. Tommy brought it up the next session.

Puffy had laughed and asked why he thought she did what she did now. Tommy thought that was fair enough.

"New kid?" Puffy prompts again.

It puts Tommy back on track. He hadn't even realized he'd gotten lost down a rabbit hole of thought.

"'s been fine," Tommy responds half-heartedly.

Puffy raises an eyebrow.

Tommy huffs.

"No really," he insists, "I just..." he shrugs.

Puffy gives him a look, leans back in her chair, and waits.

Tommy drums his fingers on his knee, thinking of how to phrase his thoughts. Emotions and feelings are hard and it's a struggle to put everything that's been going on with him into words. He starts pinching at his pants instead, rubbing the fabric between his fingers.

"It's just that, I dunno it's hard connecting to him."

Puffy looks at him openly.

"What do you mean by that?" she asks.

Tommy shrugs and takes his fidget cube from his pocket.

"I dunno," he admits, "I just- I kinda feel that I'm doing everything wrong. I know... I mean I know how hard it can be to show up in like a new place again and again. And Ranboo was pulled because his old house was shit, right? And I get that, I understand. I feel like I can relate to him," Tommy sighs,

"But every time I try to talk to him, I mess up,'' Tommy explains. He shifts in his seat, tucking his feet under him. "Take the other day- we were talking about Techno and he got... sorta upset I guess? And I don't even know what I did wrong!"

Puffy nods, letting them both sit in silence for a moment. Tommy shifts in his seat again, slightly uncomfortable as the silence continues to press down.

"Walk me through it?" she requests.

So he does. He talks about bringing up Techno's garden and Ranboo not remembering who that was so Tommy explains. He thinks he did an okay job at that too. He didn't- well Tomy's memory isn't like Ranboo's. He doesn't have memory loss. But he does have ADHD and memory issues are a part of that diagnosis. Old families used to get mad at him when he forgot stuff. He did his best not to do that to Ranboo. It isn't his fault.

Following that, he told Ranboo about Wilbur and Techno and how Ranboo probably wouldn't meet Techno until the summer. Tommy didn't think he had done anything wrong but then Ranboo had started talking about months and Tommy had made a bit of a snarky comment, but it wasn't mean. And then- and then Ranboo had shifted, gotten up and left his side and practically ignored him.