If I could only take it back

Chapter 4: kept promises

"I'm glad you all came," Izuku said, looking around the common room. His classmates circled around him, sitting on the furniture in the room. They were all staring at him, causing anxiety to flare in his chest. He took a deep breath and pushed it away. He needed to do this, for both their sakes and his. "I know... I know you probably have some questions, so... fire away, I guess."

Sero spoke first, in a rush. "I'm sorry, dude. I shouldn't have blurted it out like that, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm just- I'm really, really sorry."

"Thank you," Izuku said. He didn't say that he forgave him, because he couldn't quite do that yet. One day, he would.

"Why?" Uraraka asked in a small voice. "Why would you do that to yourself, Deku-kun?"

Izuku bit his lower lip while he thought about his answer. "Well... when I was younger, I didn't really... like myself. It was a way to get out my anxiety and emotions that I couldn't handle. It was an addiction, and I didn't see anything wrong with it."

"Do you... still do it?" Ojiro asked, wringing his tail in his hands. Izuku had been dreading this question, because he didn't know how to answer it. If he was honest, then his friends would undoubtedly feel concern, and perhaps they would treat him differently for it. If he lied, then there was always the risk of being found out later. Kacchan already knew that Izuku had kept his box of tools, although Izuku knew he could trust the blond with his life. If there was one thing Bakugou could do, it was keep a secret.

"...No," he ended up saying. "No, I don't."

Breaths of relief filled the room. Izuku glanced at his childhood friend, who stared back at him with a frown. He had always been able to tell when Izuku was lying, and could probably see on his face that he was now. They would have to talk about this later.

"That's good," Jirou said, smiling at him. "We were all just really worried about you, Midoriya-kun."

"I'm sorry I worried you," he apologized. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to look at me differently."

"If it was in the past, then it was none of our business," Todoroki said, shrugging his shoulders. "I think we're all just glad that you aren't still doing it."

Voices chorused their agreement, and Izuku internally winced. ' Well, now I feel like shit.'

"Right," he ended up saying. "Well, um... if that's all, then I'm really tired. I think I need to go sleep the quirk off."

Everyone understood, so Izuku shot Katsuki one last glance before he headed to the staircase that led to the second floor. The blond followed him without a word to anyone else. Only once they were locked safely inside of Izuku's room did the boy demanded answers. "Where?" he asked without any explanation. Izuku contemplated playing dumb, but decided that Kacchan wouldn't like that.

He swallowed, his voice breaking a bit when he answered. "On- on my thighs."

"How often?"

"...It varies," he said eventually. "The last time was a few months ago."

Katsuki exhaled, running a hand through his hair. "That's better than I was thinking, at least."

"Kacchan-"

"Don't," the boy said shortly. "I already said it earlier. I know you're going to say something stupid, like apologize or something. You're not the one who should be apologizing, here."

"Kacchan, no ," Izuku blurted, a hand fluttering out. He decided against touching the boy, pulling his hand back. "Believe me, it wasn't about you. Well, maybe it was a little bit about you." The blond flinched, and Izuku immediately regretted his words. "Back then it was. But Kacchan, my life... my life was shit . You could never understand what I went through, even when you weren't there. Trust me, you weren't my worst tormentor." He gave the boy a self-deprecating smile. "I was."

"Deku," Katsuki said, then shut his mouth, like he wasn't sure what to say. Izuku didn't speak, knowing he should give Katsuki a moment to collect his thoughts. Sure enough, a few moments later, he spoke again. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

"I know," Izuku said gently. "And... and when I do it these days, it's not about you. It's just... sometimes, the stress of everything..." he waved around the room, gesturing to everything. "All of the villain attacks, the PTSD, All Might's death... it gets to me sometimes. But being here, having friends, being your friend, it really helps. It's just an addiction that I need to kick." He looked down at the ground, laughing without humor. "I've been doing it for so long now that I sometimes forget that it's a bad thing. That it could make people upset."

"Well, it does," Katsuki said. "It makes me really fucking upset, and I want you to stop."

Izuku blinked at his friend. "I don't-"

"Don't argue with me," Katsuki snapped, cutting Izuku off. "Listen, I'm not a fucking idiot. I know it's an addiction, and I know that it's going to be hard to quit cold turkey. Just- fuck , if you feel like doing it again, fucking text me or some shit. I don't care if it's three o'clock in the fucking morning, just don't go through it alone, alright?" His crimson gaze bore into Izuku's soul. The green-haired boy couldn't help but blush a bit at the intensity. "I... I fucking care about you or some shit."

"Kacchan," Izuku croaked, his eyes turning wet with unshed tears. He'd been through so much in recent times that these days, it took a lot to make him cry. Of course with Kacchan, he had to embarrass himself like this. "I care about you too."

"Obviously," the blond grumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets. "So, do you promise?"

Izuku nodded his head, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, I promise."

Katsuki nodded once, satisfied. Izuku wasn't the type to promise something and not mean it. "Good." He turned to leave the room, but just as his hand touched the doorknob, he turned back around. "I would take it back, if I could. I would take it all back."

Izuku bit his lower lip. "...I know. Thank you, Kacchan."

Katsuku nodded again, leaving the room. Izuku stood in the middle of the room for a few more minutes, replaying the conversation in his head over and over again. By the time he sat on his bed, he'd already made a decision. He reached into his nightstand drawer and found the black box with his tools sitting there, right in the middle. His younger self must not have put it back where he'd found it. He winced a bit, feeling guilt eat at him from the fact that Kacchan had to see his wounds, but pushed the thought away.

He wouldn't have to see any more. Izuku grabbed the box and brought it to the attached half-bathroom, standing over the small trash can next to his sink. Without any hesitation, he dropped the box inside. After all, he kept his promises.