1D smut book

harry - longing

credits: haroldslovekitten (tumblr)
warnings: smut, dom/sub mentions, pegging.
word count: ~8k

The thought had been running through my head for weeks. It came to me near the end of Harry's tour. With him being gone so much, and the honeymoon stage of our relationship officially ending due to his absence, questions about the health of our relationship were running rampant through my mind. I missed him, of course. I missed him so much that sometimes, he was the only thing I could think about. Whether I was at work, cooking dinner, or even out with my friends, there were times when he was literally the only thing on my mind. And then, unsurprisingly, there were also times when very specific parts of him were the only thing on my mind. After being with him for a little over a year, I'd forgotten what it was like to miss dick so damn much. Sure, I'd gone long stretches without any action before, and I was familiar with the acute longing for an actual, living penis, rather than the expensive toys I'd collected over the years. Sometimes, there's just nothing like the real thing. But being with Harry, that feeling had been long gone, nearly forgotten, until we got to this long stretch of time spent apart. Suddenly, it's like I've developed an oral fixation, sucking on my ice cream spoon for far longer than necessary, sticking my pens and pencils in my mouth more and more often as I wrote. All I wanted, in truth, was to lick, kiss, and eventually choke on his cock. I felt dirty, ridiculously slutty at the realization, but sometimes, that's just how it goes.

And as I spend my days bored, dying to have him thrusting into my throat, I started wondering if he missed me the same way I missed him. Part of me couldn't even imagine him feeling the same way. Honestly, how could he when he was so busy travelling the world, completely crushing his first solo world tour? There's no way that while he's out partying, celebrating, enjoying his success, that he is consumed by thoughts of me (sexual or not), is there? And yet, here I am at our shared house, overwhelmed with debilitating sadness and yearning.

One evening, as I'm scrolling through Netflix trying to distract myself from the constant, uncomfortable need I feel, my brain clicks onto an unexpected realization. In the back of my mind, I always knew that Harry enjoyed the company of men as well as women. I mean, watch one video of him performing 'Medicine' and there's absolutely no doubt left in anyone's mind. The fact of his sexual flexibility has never bothered me and I never once imagined it causing any sort of trouble between Harry and I. However, considering that Harry and I have been together for so long now, and I know for a fact that he hasn't cheated, with a man or a woman, I realize that perhaps Harry would be completely familiar with the kind of longing I'm currently experiencing.

The thought makes me feel a whole slew of emotions. First, the acute pang of fear that I'm leaving him unhappy and unsatisfied runs through my mind. If that's the case, there's nothing I can do about it, and that is absolutely terrifying. What if he wants someone else that's not me and has something I can never offer him? Then, almost immediately, a deep sympathy for the sacrifice he's making to be with me hits home. He could be single and easily enjoy all the best of both worlds. Instead though, he's committed himself to me and given up something that brings him so much joy and pleasure. If he ever gets waves of the yearning I'm currently feeling, then he's voluntarily decided to just suffer through it for the sake of being with me. That alone makes my heart swell with gratitude and love for him. I know that I personally could not deal with this feeling for long, in fact, I can feel my spirit crumbling every day that I'm away from him and unable to have him in the way I need him so desperately. Next, almost inevitably, is the added arousal of thinking about Harry desperately taking another man's cock the way I want to take his. At that point, the thought of it feels permanently etched into my brain.

This thought occurred to me precisely 4 weeks ago, and Harry has now been back for two full weeks. Well, not back, but he's brought me on his post-tour travels and we've been revelling in our ability to be together without his schedule getting in the way. That is to say, my desire has been quenched, at least in the sense that I don't feel unsatisfied. My need for him will never fully disappear, I know that for a fact, but it has at least become less debilitating. That particular desperation has now been replaced with the fear that he's missing something from our relationship. Every time we're together, I wonder if he's completely happy, completely satisfied. There is a lingering doubt in the back of my mind that I will never actually be enough for him, and that eventually he'll need something more than I can give. This fear has caused me to browse the internet for strap ons. Rather than scrolling through pinterest as I eat my morning cereal, for instance, I'm scrolling down pages and pages of harnesses and attachments, wondering what precisely Harry would like, if any of these. After all, they're still not the real thing and I'm acutely aware of how unsatisfied even the best toys can leave you.