Vents

Self Harm

I have always wonder why I do this, why I have such an addiction to it. It's the only drug I have and the only drug I can have, the only thing I can get addicted to, and have some sort of high or satisfaction off of it. Sometimes I use it for the reason it is commonly used, as a some sort of anxiety or sadness cope, or sometimes just for the simple thought of how I think I deserve it. Though I figured something out. 

I use it for anger.

I am usually a calm person, I can keep a composure and a blank face when I know I need to. Though, on my alone time, instead of doing the act of punching a pillow or screaming to let anger out, I do it on myself. I love how it leaves damage, a mark, because I hate hurting people or damaging things permanently, but for me I can make an exception. 

I find pride in how deep I can get them, how much blood is left on the rag when I'm finished. The more angry I am the more harm is done. Sometimes it's my own little fidget too... Constantly picking at my skin, leaving marks all over myself. People think it's a nervous tick and leaves it at that. And well, it is, mostly, but sometimes I do it on purpose, or to cause harm, it's the only harm I can do without people worrying.