Songs For The Heartbroken: That's What You Get

Chapter 32

It took a while to get used to it; to living in such small apartment with so many others. Kakashi's apartment was that of a shinobi, big enough only for him and equipped only with what was necessary. It was spotless, lacking of anything that would give away any information on its owner. Not even the telltale smell of eight dogs living in such close quarters lingered in the air. They were all too good for that, had lived long enough to know better.

Still, even after two weeks there, waking once again to the particular smell of nothing, seemed as unsettling as ever, only the warmth that surrounded me brought a sense of comfort, of safety. The sun hadn't even risen over the horizon; I thought it might be because, at some point, it had been a habit of mine, part of a routine. I wasn't sure anymore. Maybe I could ask Kakashi later.

Something told me it was cold outside the dog pile I was under. The couch felt like it would give at any moment, even if adult shinobi tended to be underweight, four ninja hounds would put a strain on any piece of furniture. And still, I couldn't bring myself to get up, to get out of that nest of warm bodies and comfort. I didn't even dare open my eyes. If I did, I'd have to find something to do. I'd have to make breakfast and wake the pack to go on a run and train; I'd have to face the fact that I wasn't entirely myself, and I'd have to deal with it.

"Your breathing changes when you're awake, Akane-san. We can't stay here all day, as much as we would love to."

I sighed.

I hated how a dog could be more reasonable than me. It happened with Kosuke, it happened with Pakkun. Kosuke? The name sounded so familiar, such a natural thing for me to say. I guess Kakashi's pack wasn't the only ninken acquaintances I had. Bu I knew for a fact that ninja hounds had a way of just knowing, and calling you out on whatever it was you were doing wrong.

"It's hard. They all stare at me as if I had the plague, and not being able to remember stuff gets increasingly frustrating."

They all hopped to the floor and stretched as I sat up straight.

"It will get better, you'll see. You're quite adept at meditation, give yourself time. Until then all you can do is your best."

I knew he was right, but my best was all I'd been doing up until then, and it hadn't exactly been enough. I felt defeated, even when I'd managed to ensure Sasuke and Itachi's safety at least where Konoha was concerned. Perhaps my sense of defeat was because I was unable to keep myself safe as well as others. I had not failed Sasuke, I had not failed Itachi, I had failed myself, and that was no small matter.

Even if I'd decided long ago to give my everything in order to protect my loved ones, my state of mind then, showed I was not a part of that list. And that was the sad reality I was dealing with then. It hadn't been a big deal before; but now with my aim accomplished, there was nothing that could hide the lack of regard I'd had for my own life up until that point, and how little I'd cared.

I put the kettle on the stove and took two cups from the cupboard. Across the room, the shower was turned on. Kakashi was awake. I took the match powder and put two teaspoons in one cup and one in the other; took two bananas from the fridge and filled all eight bowls with dog food.

"You're up early again." His hair was still heavy with the residual water from hi shower. "You should rest for a while longer. It's not like you are going to be called into active duty anytime soon."

He poured the boiling water into the cups as he rubbed his head with a towel.

"Your dogs say otherwise. And as much as I want to agree with you, I think it wouldn't really help my state of mind."