An Average Girl Like Nova

1

"You're too good to be true."

"Ang bait mo naman masyado!"

"Bakit ba ang galing mo sa lahat ng bagay? May hindi ka pa ba kayang gawin?"

"Masyado mo nanamang ginagalingan, magbigay-daan ka naman sa iba, idol!"

"Maganda na, talented pa! Saan ka pa?"

"Kaya maraming nagkakagusto sa'yo nyan e! Almost perfect ka na kasi!"

"Ang swerte ng magiging boyfriend mo sa'yo."

Those are the words from those random voices that keeps on playing inside my head like a horrible song that's on repeat.

Gusto ko silang sabihan... gusto ko silang patahimikin gamit ang sarili ko ring tinig ngunit ano nga bang magagawa ko? Uulit at uulit rin naman ako sa simula kung gagawin ko nanaman ang nais kong iyon.

I'm not what they think of me. I'm nothing... I'm just me. I don't know what's special about me like what they're always trying to plant inside my corrupted mind. They don't understand... they don't know me.

Just for this moment, I badly wanted to run from myself. I want to hide myself from me because of suffocation—suffocation that I, myself, have made. What a terrible human being am I, right? Fnck this!

"You don't deserve to live" I whispered to myself as I forced to stand straight, without my body shaking because of this d a m n thoughts of mine.

I slowly exited my room and headed to the kitchen where I found someone directly staring at me from the glass window. But to my dismay, it's just the same human being that loathed herself for how many times now—myself.

Hindi pa man humuhupa ang wala sa lugar na panginginig ng buo kong katawan ay sinimulan ko nang asikasuhin kahit papaano ang aking sarili kahit pa ang tanging gusto ko na lang ay tumulala sa kwarto at hintaying maubos ang hangin sa katawan ko.

"Remember, you need to pay them first, Nova... before you—sh!t, stop right there, you stupid girl!"

Dahil sa pagpapa-alalang muli sa aking sarili ay binilisan ko na ang aking pagkilos. Tinapos nang kainin ang isang plato ng paborito ko noong bata pa ako na cereals saka uminom ng kape.

Pagkabalik ko sa aking kwarto ay naligo lang ako at nagbihis. Pagkatapos, tumungo na ako sa pintuan para buksan ulit ang lagusan patungo sa panibago nanamang araw ng pakikipagsapalaran sa mundong hindi ko naman ninais na kagisnan.

---

"Santisimo, sixty-seven, Makabeba, forty-five, Diosdado, fifty-two..."

Kasalukuyang inihahayag ng propesor namin sa isang major subject ang nakuhang score sa nakaraang exam namin sa kanya.

My mind is not cooperating with me right now because it's floating somewhere not here. The professor is still announcing the scores but my interest is not there.

"Baguiz, ninty-eight. Congratulations to you, so far, ikaw ang may pinakamataas na score sa lahat ng section na hawak ko. Keep it up!"

I don't know who stated that but her voice has this positive tone that caught my attention and brought me back to the present time.

Ang naabutan ng aking mga mata noong ibinalik ako sa kasalukuyang nangyayari ay mga nagsisipalakpakan nang mga kaklase ko. Nang ituon ko naman ang aking paningin sa harap ng klase kung saan nakatayo si miss Teranyo ay bumungad sa akin ang kanyang nakangiting mukha.

Anong meron?

Pagkatapos ng sandaling iyon ay di-nis-miss nya na rin kami kaya heto ako ngayon, mag-isa na lang ulit sa kwarto.

Isang buntong hininga ang pinakawalan ko bago ako tuluyang lumisan sa lugar na iyon dahil unti unti nanaman akong inaakay ng kung anong pwersa sa isip ko na alam kong hindi maganda ang maidudulot sa'kin.

"Kailan nyo ba ako tatantanan?"

The clock says it's already seven-fifty in the evening. Thanks to my somewhat-useful-self in times like this, that I finished preparing their dinner. All I have to do now is to wait for their arrival.

I almost spaced out again if the main door didn't make any noise which helped me brought my senses back.

"Ugh! Such a tiring day!" It should be Vesper. The hot headed Pattinson.

Wala pang ilang minuto at inokupa na ng magkakapatid na Pattinson ang sala kung saan ako naroroon kaya para mabigyan sila ng privacy ay sinimulan ko nang ihakbang ang mga paa ko patungo sa kusina. Sisilipin kung mayroon pa akong kailangang linisin o gawin doon.

Pagkarating sa tapat ng kusina ay hinalughog ko gamit ng aking mga mata ang lugar para lamang makitang wala ni isa man na kalat doon kaya naman sunod kong tinungo ang dinner table kung saan naihanda ko na kanina pa ang mga kakainin ng magkakapatid. Nasa tamang ayos na ang lahat doon na kulang na lamang ay gamitan ko kanina ng ruler sa pag-aayos ang bawat gamit sa lamesa para siguruhing nasa tamang pwesto ang lahat.

Dahil sa kakatitig ko sa upuan na nasa harap ko ay hindi ko agad napansin ang presenya ng mga lalaki na ngayo'y umookupa na sa espasyo ng kinaroroonan ko ngayon.

Isang dampi ng malambot na balat ang aking naramdaman sa kanang pisngi ko bago ko marinig ang tinig ng kung sino.

"Hello, Novs, what's for dinner?" said Woovien

I immediately lifted up my chin to look for the person who kissed my right cheek that is nowhere to be found  now because, as usual, he went to his room to change clothes.

That is when I diverted my attention to Woovien that is now seated on his favorite spot in their dinner table.

"I prepared your favorites." That's all I said before moving myself at the far corner of this room.

"Oh come on, Novs! Don't just stand there like a statue and watch us eat. Join us here!"

Hindi ko pinansin ang paanyayang iyon ni Woovien dahil hindi naman dapat ako sumabay sa kanila sa pagkain. It's an order from the eldest among the five of them.

"Shut the fnck up, a s s hole. If she doesn't want to eat with us then let her do what she fncking wants!" and then there's Vesper again with his unnecessary curses.

"Chill, dude! I'm just inviting her to eat with us even just for once--"

"Can't you shut your dumb mouth?!"

And their fight continued for a few seconds before the only thing I can hear is my own breathing.

This is why I, oftentimes, distance myself from them. Being with them means chaos. And I've had enough of that within me that's why I wouldn't choose to be with them as often as possible.

"You're still here"

A warm and strong arms immediately occupied the space just below my breasts. And to say that my body was startled by his unannounced gesture is an understatement.

Panic...yes, that's the right term for what I'm feeling right now. Him, standing behind me is enough to inject this uncontrollable feeling that only he can do to me.

"Wait for me upstairs, Mini." I felt his hot breath fanning the part just above my right ear as he whispered those words to me. And before he unhooked his hand from my body, he pinched the side where his hand rested and finally leaving me with shaking hands.

~~~