Shed Some Light

Conflicted (Halestorm)

Conflicted. That was the only word she could use to describe her feelings for Ben. One part of her wanted him while the sensible part of her told her it would be a bad idea. They had established in the beginning that their relationship was professional and just to write and record Jedi's first album. Yet, somewhere in the short time they had known each other it had become personal. He was a friend, but part of her wanted more and some of the looks he gave her made her wonder if he felt the same.

Her eyes roamed his body as they drove silently back to his house. The tight black shirt did nothing to hide his body; rather, it put it on display and only made her want to see what was underneath. Unfortunately, that wasn't the reason she was going to his house. This wasn't a booty call, it was for her to open up to him and tell him what she had told very few people.

By the time they got to Ben's house neither knew how to start the conversation. Ben finally broke the silence when they walked in, "Would you like something to drink?" He had decided he wasn't going to push her to start talking if she wasn't ready for it, no matter how badly he wanted to know.

"Water would be great," she nervously played with her hands as she leaned against his counter. "I guess I should explain," she hesitated. "That's why I came here, right?"

"Only if you want to, I'm not going to force you to tell me anything," he said, looking at her as if he were trying to figure out a puzzle. He was analyzing the situation, trying to figure out what exactly this meant to her. Was it because she trusted him and wanted him to help her write something personal or was their relationship progressing into something else? He wasn't sure and he wasn't going to be the first to say anything about the unexpected and emotionally intimate turn their relationship had taken in the past twenty-four hours.

"I'm pretty sure I already mentioned that for part of my life I grew up with a pretty terrible man. What I didn't tell you was that this was after I was first placed with a wonderful family. I guess the fact that they didn't want me when they chose to adopt just added to my abandonment issues. I don't think that I was supposed to know they chose to adopt, but I had over heard them talking about it one night and it made me hope they'd adopt me. Then I was handed over to this man who could talk a good talk but then turned around and treated all of us like we didn't matter. He'd tell us that we should be happy anyone would care for us. That we were a burden to him and he only did it for the benefits. He threatened us that if we talked to the social worker about it they wouldn't believe it and once they left there would be consequences so we all kept our mouths shut. I used to count the days I was in the foster care system in an old notebook I managed to scavenge out of the trash while I was searching for anything useful that could make sure I'd get dinner that night. He laughed and called me a scavenger; I was seven when it started. Part of me was so angry at my parents and former foster parents for abandoning me but the rest of me just waited for the day my parents would show up and say they had been searching for me," she could feel the tears falling from her eyes and refused to make eye contact with him. He didn't say anything, just placed his hand over hers in an attempt to be comforting. "The day I left that place I never looked back. When I met Finn and Poe things got better, but it doesn't stop me from wondering when they're going to abandon me too. Everyone leaves, just like you will once we're done recording."

"Rey," Ben said softly. "I'm not going to just leave you once this is done. I'm one call away if you need me. Even if I can't talk in that moment, I'll always call you back. I'll find time to talk to you no matter how crazy it gets," he said sincerely. Ben wanted to protect her, to hold her and tell her everything would be okay, but he knew that'd be crossing a line that he wasn't sure she wanted him to cross.

She finally looked up at him to see just how genuine he was. The look in his eyes told her that he wasn't lying to her, but the worry would never go away. "We both know that you might not be able to keep that promise, no matter how much you might want to," her voice was barely above a whisper.