Betty's Cardigan

In Exile

Chet had thrown James out of the house the night of the accident. His brother was furious. Despite all his warnings, James had messed up.

And this was a mess he couldn't clean up.

James tried to sleep in the driveway. He didn't even try to make a pillow out of his shirt. He didn't deserve to comfort. He wanted to feel the gravel cut into his skin. Heck, he hoped his brother would drive over him and end his villainy for good.

James might not have been the brightest, but he knew that what he had done was beyond forgiveness. He had been a stupid boy. He'd chased two girls, lost the one and gotten another killed.

He kept stifling his breath so he didn't cry. Monsters like him couldn't share this grief. Tears were for the people who had actually cared for Lorraine. James had never regretted anything more. He knew that changing himself wouldn't be enough.

James grabbed some gravel and squeezed the jagged pieces until his palms were bleeding and he couldn't stop his tears anymore.

Lorraine Willis was dead and he was responsible.

He needed someone to tell him that he could help. But he knew that everyone thought he had done enough. James hadn't known that his foolish choices would lead to this. He hadn't known the words of a stupid hormonal teenage boy could weigh so much.

Changing wasn't enough, but it was a start.

So, James washed his injured hands and wiped his face clean of the dirt and tears. He was going to repent in the best way he knew.

*****

"So your solution to this is to drop out of school?" James' father fumed. The man was built like a tractor, with an attitude that plowed people down as well as he worked the fields.

James, his father and his brother were having this discussion at the breakfast table. James couldn't touch his meal.

"I said I wanted to change schools."

"You can't run from all your problems! You have to face the consequences of your actions!" Chet exclaimed.

"It's not like that," James pleaded. He could feel his family's anger radiating in the air. "It won't do anyone any good if I went back. Everyone hates me now! I hate me!" He chocked on the words.

"Dammit son." James' father hit the top of their table with his fist.

"I'm sorry," James said for the tenth time, not that there could ever be enough times. "I'm sorry this happened. God, I'm sorry that I was ever born, but that's not going to help. I cannot go back to school and act as if everything is alright. I can't face those people. They lost a friend. Lorraine meant something to them. She meant something to me but I can't say that after what I've done. I can't fix it. I can only learn to be better. But I don't think they will let me learn."

I won't let myself learn if I see Betty's face every single day.

"I will promise you this: I will try my best to be better. I will carry Lorraine's memory and my guilt in my heart and I will never forget what harm my selfish actions have caused. I've thought about this for hours and I feel that it is in the best interest of everyone that I leave town."

"Okay, but you will have to apologise to Mr. and Mrs. Willis. They deserve that." Chet looked at him expectantly.

James nodded despite the dreadful foreboding. Yes, they deserved to know about everything that went down.