With Fear or Without

45- Helpless

Cleo went in crossing her fingers.

She hoped it would be something easy, like drowning or getting lost. Even claustrophobia would be welcome in comparison with their first demon encounter.

So when the world fell to darkness, Cleo held her breath. She repeated one phrase in her head. Four words, over and over.

It's just a dream.

Her heart pounded in her ears, her own heavy breathing the only other sound.

It's just a dream.

A rush of wind flew past her shoulder.

Cleo's heart sank. No, she thought, we can't be this unlucky twice.

Bracing herself and repeating her mantra, she turned in the direction the wind blew. She searched the darkness for a sign of what was coming.

"Cleo?"

A clear voice made her jump. Whipping around again, Cleo found herself squinting to see a relieved Charlie standing a couple feet from her.

She called out to her friend, but her voice didn't work. She tried again. And again. No sound left her mouth, her voice swallowed by the darkness. She screamed and yelled and got more desperate until her throat was dry and raw. She began to think that maybe she hadn't even been opening her mouth, that she wasn't even in control of her muscles.

Her suspicion was confirmed when Charlie gave no indication that they saw Cleo's outburst. They took a step towards her, their face draining of relief and filling with anxiety.

"Cleo, I'm terrified. What is this?"

Cleo tried to call out again. She tried to walk to her friend but her feet were rooted beneath her. Even her desperate sobs were silent, lost in the void, perhaps not even really happening.

"Of course you are."

Cleo froze. That was her voice. It was definitely her voice but... it wasn't. And she certainly didn't say that.

Charlie frowned. They looked as confused as Cleo felt, but not for the same reason. "What does that mean?"

"It means," said Cleo's voice, "that you're always scared. Always so cautious. So helpless."

The voice was cold, and it chilled Cleo's bones and made her skin crawl. Hearing herself sound so disconnected and distant was an odd sensation. It had no sympathy. It didn't care.

"How could you say that?" Charlie was barely audible. They seemed to shrink before Cleo's eyes, taking a step back and recoiling from the figure they thought was their friend.

In another desperate attempt, Cleo tried to reach towards them. She couldn't move her arm. She felt tears slide down her cheeks, tears that weren't really there. All she could do was watch and listen.

This was different than anything she had prepared for. She knew it wasn't real. She could feel the dream around her. But she was frozen. Frozen by the terrible sound of her own voice as it tormented her best friend.

"I've never said it before, but it's always been true," the voice sneered, and in it Cleo heard a snarling smile that she hated to picture crawling over her face. "What have you ever done? Nothing."

The words were spit at Charlie like acid, making them wince and recoil.

"Everyone knows it. That you're weak. It's time you knew the truth."

"Hey Charlie."

A second voice appeared out of the darkness; Andy's. But Cleo knew it wasn't. It was just another part of Charlie's twisted nightmare. Their joint nightmare.

Andy appeared out of the darkness, the colors of her dress like a beacon in the night. Her face was blank, completely devoid of emotion as she opened her mouth to speak.

"I know, Charlie. How you feel about me."

Charlie was breathing heavily now, their eyes darting desperately between Cleo and Andy. Each ragged breath looked forced and painful like just being near them was poison.

"I've known all along."

"Shut up," Charlie whispered weakly.

Andy cocked her head. "Did you ever think I could feel the same?"

"Shut up."

"Terrified by their own nightmares, their own mind. Afraid of everything."

"Shut up!" Charlie's fingers grasped at their hair, squeezing their eyes shut.

Andy looked to Cleo to agree, shaking her head in disappointment. "Just so helpless," she sighed.

Looking into Andy's eyes, Cleo wondered if she was stuck, too. Paralyzed and forced to watch as her voice tormented Charlie. She couldn't take it anymore.

Cleo closed her eyes. She shut out everything else; Andy, Charlie, the crushing darkness around them. Their voice faded to the background, nagging at the back of her head and trying to pull her focus.

"Always a burden. No wonder you said nothing about your nightmares."

Cleo focused on one thing. Her friends. Her real friends, the one who trust each other. The ones who love each other. The ones she had to protect.

It's just a dream. It's just a dream. It's just a dream!

Pressing her will out into the air around her, Cleo let out a frustrated roar from deep inside her. She forced her voice to be heard. Her real voice.

Gradually, she heard it. Her own strangled noises pierced her ears, fully drowning out the sounds of Andy and Charlie. It cracked the dream, she could feel rather than see them spreading like spiderwebs and letting light shine in through the fissures. One more surge of energy sent the dream crashing down around her.

Finally she felt solid ground under her feet. She fell to her knees, coming face to face with the stone floor. She leaned forwards on her hands, feeling the comforting coolness of the floor.

The memory of the nightmare floated through her head. Everything she said to Charlie. The way she hurt them. How easily Charlie would believe those words. It made her chest ache and her lungs burn.

Even the dim lighting hurt her eyes after the crushing darkness. Dust flew across her vision as she huffed breaths of air. Waiting for the ache of her whole body to dull, she pushed off her hands and sat back on her heels.

Charlie was there, a few feet to her right. Perfectly still like a well-dressed statue. Their jaw was tense, clamped shut as if to hold back their words of rage ready to burst out at any moment. Their eyes were on fire, impossibly full of accusation, hatred, utter disbelief.

Cleo felt tears as they continued to slide down her cheeks silently. She hated herself. How could she ever ask Charlie to forgive her? How could she have allowed them to ever believe any of it could be true?

She pushed against the weight of exhaustion, using the wall to stagger to her feet. She stumbled over to Charlie and threw her arms around them tightly. She buried her face in their shoulder, her tears streaming down like faucets now and dripping down over Charlie's jacket. Her body shook in silent sobs.

Charlie stayed frozen at first. They blinked hard and swallowed with difficulty, their intense stare taking a moment to catch up with Cleo before softening. They slowly melted into Cleo's embrace, wrapping their arms around her.

They held each other for a long time, neither wanting to let go and face the world. Each thought that the other would see them the same way. That they were the reason everything was going to be different.