The pain of life

I love you <3

Hi, my name is Malian i am 11 years old and my gender is male, but of course nobody knows this not even the excepting people in my life. If i told my sister she would totally except me but i could never actually be happy because i will never be able to live my childhood normally and be happy with my body and life. Ever since i was 7 years old i have always hated myself, i would hit myself with my fist on my head for so many years and still do it to this day. But I have always been scared that i was going to start hurting myself in ways that would get me found out, i would end up hurting others around me more than i already do, they would probably start hating me. I never really had problems with the way i was raised or the stability of my household, but i know one thing, i have always been scared of my dad. You see, my dad losses his temper very easily and this leads to him raising his voice. And because I have always been a relatively emotional person my tears would make my father upset, he would say things like "suck it up you're fine." But you see the thing was i was never really fine every word that came out of his mouth drove me to hating myself more. My parents think they know what is best for me and they say that they understand what goes on with me and my sister's lives. But they don't and they never will. I have wanted to kill myself since i was 7 kids that age should be caring about what tail color and powers they were going to have when playing mermaids with their friends, but i wasn't like the other kids i would play with dolls and play mermaids with my friends but the whole time i was thinking that they all hated me and would end up leaving me. It's true that they all pretty much left me, one of them even started bullying me in 4th grade. Nobody knows this either, when i was 8 i had these two friends, one of them showed me his p*nis on the bus and the other was a girl that i would 'roleplay' with because it was 'fun.' That one girl that lived down my street, i had to see her every day because she would hang out with my other friends. That girl I felt close with and trusted ended up doing sexual stuff to me i still remember every word every movement that she did anytime i look where it happened in my room all i see is her sitting on top of me touching me in places i didn't like. I know i could've told my parents but i was scared of them, I also didn't want to lose one of my only friends i had. I had this other toxic friend in my neighborhood and though she didn't do anything sexual to me she made me watch stuff i never wanted to and completely changed my childhood, for the worse or better i might never know all i know is she changed it for good. My life may never be the same, i may never be happy. Maybe nobody will even ever see this i just want someone to know that i am here, that they have not been alone and that I have been suffering since i was very young and i am still fighting. I will never give up and i hope that if anyone is reading this that they won't either. your story isn't done yet no matter what you're struggling through there is always a way out. I may have not found mine yet but that doesn't mean that you won't find yours. So please, don't give up.

-Malian