Forever yours, Eda

"Dear Serkan, my love, my heartbeat, my breath, my whole world...

It's been months, approximately 7 and 12 days... I wonder what you're doing, if you're feeling better, if you take your medicine regularly and if you're happy. I wonder if the thought of us, our love, ever crosses your mind, even if as just a glimpse of memory, or has it faded away with time?

Because my love for you hasn't. You're in my mind, my heart, my soul... And now a part of you, in a little soul growing bigger inside me each day. She's kicking me so hard lately, looks like she's impatient to come to this world. Well, I guess she takes that after me...

Time has passed by, months have gone by, the seasons have changed but the clock has stopped ticking since we parted ways, since you let go of my hand. And now, our love is not a fairytale anymore. No, fairytales have a happy ending, and as much as we tried, our love became a legend, like the Apolon's. The one I told you under the light of the stars, the only witnesses of our consuming love.

I don't want to sadden you though you will never get this letter, but my heart still aches for you, your love, your touch, your smell, your affection... I did it, my love, I finally graduated. I tried to put on a happy face for Melo and Hala, but I wanted you to be there. I wanted you to tell me how proud you were of me when I'd tell you "I did it."

You weren't there, but I could feel your presence. I left you, but you stayed with me, a part of you always did, not only in my heart but inside me too. I wonder what kind of mother I will be. I wonder how much our daughter will resemble you, the fruit of our love, our cherry tree. The symbol of our sweet infinite love.

I want to hate you, I want to hate you for making me go through this alone, though the fault isn't really yours. I can never hate you, for my love for you is enormously bigger than it, than anything else. And I fear that will never change.

I feel so lost without you, my heart aches for yours, for my better part. My eyes long to get lost on the depth of yours. My skin craves your touch like my lungs crave for oxygen.

Do yours? Do you miss us? Are you happy?

It's eating me alive, not knowing. So please, tell me, does your heart still beat for me? Am I still in your mind, heart and soul? Because you never left mine.

Tell me, are you suffering like I am? Deprived of you, deprived of love.

Or have you moved on? Onto something better? Have you found someone else? To take care of you, love you, support you and make you happy like I did?

Or has your clock stopped ticking like mine...

Though I want it to have stopped, though I want to still be in your heart and mind despite everything that has happened, I wish for you to be happy, even if it's with someone else. Someone else that's not me... Someone else that's better, though I doubt anything in this world can measure up to what we had.

I wonder if we'll ever cross paths years later in one of the gardens I'll have designed, just like we had talked about. Will my heart still ache years later, when I see you? Or will it have stopped... Will the clock finally start ticking again? Will you approach me? Hug me? Ask me how I've been all these years?

Will I lie to you? Will I tell you I've been okay and that everything has been going well? Will you still look at my eyes with the fire of passion like you used to look at me before? Or will we act like strangers, like nothing ever happened between us?

I'm babbling again, aren't I? It's 5 AM and our angel won't stop moving, she's giving me a hard time, like her father. I'm trying to be happy for her, but the tears won't stop falling no matter how hard I try. I'm trying to be strong, but I have no strength left within me.

I need you, I need you my love, more than ever. Please, come back to me, to us, our love.

Please, I love you so much it hurts. It hurts so bad.

Forever yours, Eda."