meant for me

chapter 2 - Margot

I look up from my phone, and over to Cassandra, she's wearing a silk nightgown with small flowers scattered. "Are you going to the party tomorrow? You too, Ava?" I ask. They both look at me. "I don't really want to."
Cassie smiles. "You should come. Go with us. It'll be fun, I promise."
"Mhm." Ava says. I can tell she's doubting Cassandra's statement, I am too.
Cassie groans. "You two are no fun. Come on. We'll look hot. And Ava, you've got to get some dick."
Ava throws a pillow at her. "Right back at you!" She smiles while giving her the middle finger.

Oh.

I like guys too. It's fine. It's fine.
"I know someone you might like, Ava! His name is Kevin. Old friend of mine." I might be completely off on my matchmaking, but worth a shot. I do not know why I haven't went for him.
Ava raises her brows. "Sounds nice, thanks. What are your types? More specifically, Margot, what's yours?"
I take a second. "Ehm, I don't know, taller than me, soft in a way. I think I have enough sternness for two so, happier, lighter than me. Less grey, a sun if you will." I mean it, I do feel grey, and heavy like lead. I just feel horrible like I'm not myself, like I'm pretending. I constantly feel bad, like not physical, but rather mentally. I don't really feel happiness the same way anymore. Like when I am with people I am supposed to feel happy with, I just feel out of place. I feel unimportant, like I'm always the last resort. The pressure of actually being important makes my feelings feel invalid, and like I'm faking it. I have no reason to feel this way, but I do.

Cassie pats on her bed, and gestures for us to climb in. She frowns. "First of all, Margie, you're not grey, or stern. I wish I was more like you." She grabs my hand, and looks at me. Really looks at me, with the most sincere eyes. God. My heart pounds like it should be a hummingbird's. She looks away. I feel deep down, that I will remember this moment like it was my ever memory, first and only memory. Savouring it in my mind forever, and ever.

I want it to be illegal for anyone but Cassandra to call me Margie. I want her to say it till I take my last breath.

"Second off, Ava, what is your type?"
She looks up at the ceiling. "Red heads." She blushes.
I gasp. "Kevin is ginger."
Cassie bursts out laughing. Her dimples show, she invented dimples in my mind.
I made her laugh. I laugh too.

She puts her hand on my thigh. I freeze. Fuck. It is the best and worst feeling in the world. I am paralysed. It feels like jumping off a cliff, holding your breath, waiting to hit the water, but you never do. You are forever stuck with that feeling of falling, falling down. I am scared, scared of these feelings, scared of her, in a way, scared of myself.

I stand abruptly. "It's getting late, I'm going to bed."
"Oh, ok." Cassandra says. Ava looks confused. Confused at my red face, my shaking hands.

I head to the bathroom, my whole body shaking. It got too real, she got to real, too close. I want her, but I can't. I can't fall for her. It eats me up, tears me apart, splits my head from my heart. My heart cries for her, my head begs for me to stop.

A tear drips down my face. I stand in from of the mirror, taking in the mess I am. I grab my toothbrush, and brush my teeth. My eyes filled with tears, I sniffle.

A knock comes from the door. I jump a little. "Y-Yes?"
"Are you okay?" It's Ava.
"Yeah, totally." I lie.
She sighs. "Sure? You can talk to me, you know. Do you miss home. Miss your friends?"
"Something like that." I unlock the door, to see her outside.
"Come here. A pretty girl like you should not be crying." She wipes my tears, and gives me a good hug. An amazing hug, actually. She tilts her head to look at me closely. She smiles, an empathetic smile.

"Goodnight." She goes past me into the bathroom.
I really hope she doesn't know. I don't think she does. No one can find out, no one.

Cassandra is fully under her covers when I return. Oh, no. "I'm scared." I whisper to her.
She rolls over to look at me. "Of what?"
I think for a moment, bite the inside of my lip. "Of this." I turn to the wall before she can respond.
It is silent for a moment. "Goodnight, Margie." She says, finally.
I press my eyes shut, and wish for a world where I am not a princess, where my brother would take over the crown, with no pressure. Where I could be hers, and she could be mine.