OCEAN GIRL, heeseung [book 1] ✓

10. Survival

October and September 2020 — I-LAND BUILDING

"Heeseung, you look upset," Kei said to him, the night before they were to perform Flicker with Sunghoon, Jake and Jungwon. "What's wrong? Stressed out?"

Heeseung stirred. He'd been standing out in the balcony to cool off in the night air, at ease since the camera wasn't on. He'd been gazing over the treetops and imagining that he could see the ocean, even though he couldn't. The most interesting thing he saw was the occasional animal scampering between the trees, mostly obscured in the darkness.

Of course, he was thinking of her, his Ocean Girl. He missed her so much that it was like a physical ache. He didn't know what to do with it, how to make it feel less, but he was on I-LAND—the perfect place to practice until he couldn't think of anything else. So that's exactly what he was doing most of the time, since that was what he was supposed to be doing anyway.

"Yeah, really stressed," he said, looking down at the grass yard below him. "Hyung, I'm sorry for saying so, but our practices are an actual disaster at this point. We barely have the lyrics down. I don't know how we expect to do this anymore."

"Hey, don't lose hope yet," Kei chided, coming to stand behind him. Heeseung's eyes drifted to the distant horizon again. All of a sudden, he felt a sharp ache in his chest that bloomed like a large flower, and tears filled his eyes. "I'm sorry I messed up like that...it was uncalled for. Like I told you, I just wanted to..."

"It's okay, I'm not upset with you," Heeseung sniffled, wiping at his tears. Unbidden, a sob escaped his throat. "I don't know what I'll do if we can't make it, hyung, the thought is just too terrifying to bear. Last year, I was all, maybe someone else will scout me if I fail, but now, the idea that this is really my last chance...it just scares me so much."

"Don't break down now," Kei put an arm around him. "We all know you're among the most likely to actually make it out of this hell into the debut group, Heeseung. You're so talented, how could anyone not believe in you?"

"I'm aware of people hating me just because I'm apparently favored by the producers," Heeseung said, sharper than he intended to. "I'm aware of people disliking me because I'm apparently too good. And to be honest, even with the number of fans I somehow have, that type of thing is concerning."

"How did you even find that out?"

"The tablets," he shrugged. "We're not completely cut off from the outer world in some ways. I didn't realize we could do that until Jay showed me BTS-sunbaenim's new music video. So I did the one thing that shot my confidence down the most."

Kei studied him. "There's something else going on, isn't there?" he asked. "Something else that's draining you but somehow making you even more fiery."

"There's someone waiting for me," he admitted quietly. "I...I miss her. So much. We never had that much time together to begin with, and the fact that I have no way to try contacting her...it hurts. I miss her, hyung, and that's what's both draining me but still motivating me to try harder."

"It'll be okay," Kei told him gently. "You can make it. You will see her again one day."

Heeseung wished he had that much confidence. He had no doubt he would never give up on her, but he was just so scared he would run out of time before he could go back to her again.

***

Watching Jay perform Dive Into You along with Ni-ki, Taki, Hanbin and Sunoo was a double-edged sword. It wasn't like he had a choice, seeing as he was sitting there in the lobby watching them on the screen, but still—the color of the stage—some of the lyrics—it was all enough to make him want to burst into tears.