Aftershock

Prologue

March 14th, 2015

I am an alcoholic. I consider myself this, because alcohol cannot touch my lips. There is no such thing as moderation, for me, when it comes to this substance. I am not in control of myself once the first drop hits my tongue. However, I know NOW that I am in control of ever coming in contact with the first taste. I took my last sip 15 months ago.

I was a drunk. I was a lush. I was a binge drinker. I got sloppy. I was NOT your average party girl. I was NOT the girl that had to get drunk to go out clubbing. In fact, I've never been to a club. I was the chick you left home, because she had been wasted since the morning, and was already passed out on the couch. I was the person who was always drunk when you came by to say hi. The person you stopped coming by to say hi to, because the site was so pathetic, or so dramatic, you couldn't handle it again. I was the girl who carried a half pint in her purse, and had a gulp before going into the grocery store, or the shopping mall, or even out to eat. I didn't drink for social status, or to fit in. I drank to be drunk, and to stay drunk. I drank to avoid Reality.

You see, I have anxiety, all kinds of different anxieties, and drinking made them non-existent. I could be a normal person, I could do things that people do everyday, things that in REALITY, weren't possible for me. I didn't even really realize this at the time. I just thought I was just a screwed up person, that had to drink to get by at life. A person, that's only way of coping with anything, was to crack open a bottle. This will make it better. Well, I know it won't make it better, but at least the pressure in my chest will go away. Then, maybe I can think straight. BUT, I couldn't stop at the pressure going away. Once I took that first drink, I couldn't stop drinking… for days, or even weeks. I'm not exaggerating even a little. I would stay drunk from morning until night, and NEVER take a break. Alcohol is like poison to me; my body hates it, and I always drank the cheapest stuff. So my hangovers were rough. A night of drinking meant a day of recovery, two days of drinking, and I'd need 3 or 4 days until I stopped throwing up, shaking, and could see straight again. Besides, I didn't want to come back to Reality. DrunkLand was so much better, it was so much safer. I wasn't accountable for any stupid actions! In Reality, later on, I could just say "Oh that, well I was wasted you know!" It was my security blanket, my defense, my coping mechanism, my LIFE.

I had my first sip of alcohol at a family gathering, when I was maybe 8 or 9. My entire family has addiction and drinking problems, so either I was born this way, or growing up with it around constantly, made me weaker for it. Probably a mixture of the two. The first time I ever drank to the point of vomiting, I was only 13 years old. The details of the next few years would get a lot of people in trouble, so I'm just going to say that until I was 16, I found a way to drink every weekend. Every. Single. Weekend. HEAVILY. I would drink until I threw up, and after I puked, I'd feel better, so I would drink more. At 16, I moved out of my parents house for many reasons. I lived with, or was friends with, older men who got me drunk regularly. At 18, I got into hard drugs, so the alcohol abuse died down a bit. But I still drank, when there was nothing left to turn to, there was always liquor or beer. When I turned 21, I quit doing ALL the hard drugs, and I never really touched them again. I didn't need to... I could BUY MY OWN ALCOHOL! Turning 21, was the worst thing that ever happened to me.