HIM

Still Feels Unreal

The school bell rang indicating school was over for the day. I packed my bags and left my classroom with my friends at that time. I was walking towards the school gate, talking away. That was when I first saw you. To be exact, your back. The first thought that came to my head was, he's a giant. I even whispered it to my friends while laughing. You seemed unusually big. Or maybe I was unusually small. I still cannot tell.

We walked to the gates and my friends left. I was standing there waiting for my father to pick me up, and there you were, again, sitting on one of the benches, next to a friend wearing blue sneakers. You stood out of the crowd with those sneakers on. I know it's not a huge deal but you wearing a sneaker which wasn't white - like we were supposed to wear - seemed rebellious to me. I smiled at you but you were looking at me, deadpan. It was awkward so I looked away. That was when I first saw you.

A few weeks later I receive a message on Instagram. A reply to one of my stories, where I was singing, a compliment. I look at the profile picture and right away I recognize it's you. Later on, I find out that it was actually one of your friends and not you who texted me at first. Actually you're the one who told me that. I didn't "find out". After this we talked a lot and I actually started considering you a friend. But you never considered me a friend. Can't blame you. Who would get so close in a month or two? Right?

We first met, officially, on the day of the walk. We walked from the church we were in, to school, and there I saw you, in front of me. The giant! It was your back again. I leaned forward on my toes and tapped your shoulder. You turned to look at me. Greeted each other and we had some sort of awkward small talk. If it was a movie, it would have been a cute scene. Cute if I was able to snatch away that resting frown from your face. Later that day I wanted to take a photo cause everyone was taking photos. And there you made your first rejection towards me. I remember asking you to help me get with this guy I had a crush on. How funny. I would be annoyed by me too so I'm not blaming you here.

We were texting one day and you said you were going to start doing your studies private. It was sort of sad. Just when I was starting to like you. Platonically at that point. Like talking to you and liking the idea of getting to hang with you, because you seemed cool, you break the bad news to me. I wanted to see you for what possibly could have been the last time. So I asked you to come to school on the last day before holidays. And you came. Maybe you came for another reason and not because I called. But you came and it was nice.

I remember us singing together that day. With a few more people around. One was playing his guitar. We were sitting on the side, next to each other and singing Shape of You. We had a good time. At least I thought so. I remember hugging you for the first time that day. Or maybe our first hug was on the day of the walk? I have a bad memory. Somehow I did hug you that day and I remember that plastic woman making a huge deal out of that. Lame.

April vacations came and you started talking to me less and less. In reality, you really didn't bother to talk. I was no one to you. It sucked. Somehow you have a tendency of making people feel so close to you when you don't give a damn about them. You don't make people feel things intentionally. It is out of your control. But you, you used to ruin what you touch if you didn't care for the thing you touched, that is. I was that, that vacation. The thing you touched and didn't care about. I started falling for you at the worst moment. In the end of April, I confessed. And you rejected. You said you had a girlfriend. Later you told me you lied. Though rejection was my reply, I fell even deeper. You drove me to ruin. Or maybe I draw myself to that. No one has control of your life but yourself, right?

We did talk a couple of times after my confession, but I could tell you wanted to get away every time we were having conversations. We've exchanged hugs too. Remember that talk under that tree when your friends took that photo? Awkward but memorable. I asked you whether you were a virgin that day and you said you were. You lied. Your nose would have grown if you were Pinnochio and I would have know. But poor, dumb me, I believed you, I think. One more thing I realised that day, our height difference was insane.