So, I used the picture below for inspiration and the song that kind of inspired this is Traitor by Olivia Rodrigo. This hurt to write and oddly, I feel better for it. Enjoy, I know its been a while.
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Traitor
Break ups are a peculiar concept. You feel like your whole world is crashing down on you at that moment. Your lungs constrict and it's like someone squeezing so tightly cutting off any and all air only to be released for a moment to happen over and over again.
It can feel like drowning on dry land. When they say "I'm sorry. It's over" The pressure in your skull of a breath you so desperately want to take but you can't because the moment you do it's over and the water will rush in but by the time you take the breath you're so dazed and sleepy from the lack of oxygen in your system that the relief of breathing in is amazing only for you to not remember what's happening because that's when you're officially drowned and pulled under.
The second the words are spoken the nausea starts and the burning behind your eyes is there in an instant. You think back over everything you've ever said or done in the last few months of the relationship, you question yourself, you question his motives.
Were you too sweet? Too clingy? Too chatty? Not interested enough? It makes you doubt everything. I even asked him before he went what I could've done better.
He broke up with me 2 weeks ago. 14 days. 6 sleepless nights, 50 hours spent crying. Pints of ice creams being devoured like it would help me overcome the heartbreak. My alcohol consumption would make an Irish pirate proud but ultimately I knew it wouldn't help. Numbing the pain made me barely functional.
They say college break ups hit hardest and the past few weeks have proven this to be true. It's like a part of me has been dismembered and discarded- graphic but true. We spent 2 years of college together, all of that time, all those good memories gone in a blink. Why? Fucked if I knew.
He used to say "Let's drive out of town, away from the crowds," and we would have the best days exploring a new place away from all the noise and hustle and bustle of LA.
He used to whisper sweet nothings into my ear about no one knowing what we were doing and his clothes were all over my room and my favourite thing to do was play with his hair. Nothing lasts forever.
It feels like this will actually kill me.
The last 2 weeks have opened my eyes though. As much as we would spend night after night tangled up within the sheets he would be messaging her. Innocent things about classes and homework but despite my suspicions he would convince me otherwise.
My gut said otherwise but my natural instincts have a history of being wrong.
It's been a slow 2 weeks but I'm starting to feel alright and I'm getting ready to move on. However, I remember the most perfect night. 3am in the morning in the pouring rain holding onto each other so tightly I thought he'd never let me go. He kissed me under the rain and stars and I felt like I was floating. I thought we were forever.
