Before I Even Make It

Before I Make It

I remember when I couldn't sleep with the light off
Not cause I was afraid of the dark,
yet I was terrified of what was happening in that very dark.
I felt like a puny 5year old again.
Difference now was instead of the boogyman,
it feels more like Belial a self trained prideful, fit liar
& it felt like everytime I was in the dark I was giving him higher leverage.

It would happen every night & to me it would sound like self-doubt
I don't know how he got to me
Unless he knew everything I was about.
I saw me get disadvantaged each time he'd come for a visit.
At first I thought it was tricks from my mind not knowing that time he's the one playing games in it
I'd tell me "you doing great" now you convinced cause from myself it sounds lucid
"You'll make it" I believe me "you strong"
Fine. I survived another day now over with my little self pet talk
I can close my eyes to sleep.

Unannounced*
You hear a whisper: "Its good you think you okay, but are you actually okay?.
Why you petting yourself on the back when you know you a mess?
You don't have to answer that but are you actually doing great?"
Now Im in denial trying to get my mind off it
But its too late my consciousness has already immersed itself in it
Trying to think of my "happy place" assertive that it'll help me out of this
Just before I start picturing her.

Mockingly*
"So you think thinking about her will help you outta this, funny.
Do you even cross her mind as much you say her name
Or are you just another guy in her life there for "try outs" & still like every guy she's met you also classified as the same?"
Made me feel lesser than what I was worth.
Felt my heart beat real slow .
Though already there was total silence everything went quiet for a bit.
There in that blackened room with my head placed up on the pillow
Belial axing on every thought like a lumberjack out to make a cricket bat out of my willow self.

A minute in already I was feeling dug
Felt like he grabbed the positivity cable, & viciously pulled the plug
He changed my every limpid thought, there seeing each one sip into a dreadful taunt
"Im sorry I made you feel bad, I take it all back
You a great being & can fullfil your heart's desires & I'll leave you now so you can do whatever you aspire."

Before I could even "whew".
"Just do yourself a favour quit telling yourself you strong when you know you not, consider it a good deed for you.
In case you couldn't, everybody can tell just how frail you are
I mean look at your freaken your arm...
Still think you'll make it?
& if you make it
You would have already run out of flesh for you to mutilate by the time you even make it.
Its what you do right?
You keep everything to yourself then think you can venesect it all out right after the sun has set.
Whats the point?
What or where's the sense of this behaviour?
Like the meaning of my name you are 'without worth'
why don't you just flunk?"

Not me, but everything around me paused
Thats when awareness struck.
I should stop refuting all this pessimism in me
Cause whats defueling me is believing in all this hopeless hope in me.
What was I thinking?
All 1460> mornings where did I get the nerve to get up
Everytime I laid my head the night before I hoped less of the next day
But whenever they came I had faith, like Pac I had my head up.
I now feel that faith dripping outta every punctured vein.
A whisper crawls through my ear canal "Kick the bucket"
As much as I'd love to, for the ones I love I need to be more strenuous
In my head thinking about it sounds harder than just writing it
With this life being so arduous
& with Belial's words echoing between my ears
Im certain I'll be long gone before I make it...