Item #: SCP-092
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: The three thousand one hundred and twenty-five instances of SCP-092 are to be held in individual cases suitable for containing non-anomalous audio compact discs (CDs), and stored in standard inanimate-object lockers at Site-37. Each instance is to be individually numbered with permanent marker.
Testing of instances of SCP-092 is to be done in soundproof rooms. Only one instance of SCP-092 may be examined at a time. Only D-class personnel are to listen to previously-unexamined instances of SCP-092. Research proposals which involve non-D-class personnel listening to instances of SCP-092 require written approval from site command.
The cadaver of SCP-092-B is not currently considered anomalous except by association, and is preserved in the morgue freezer at Site-19.
Description: SCP-092 is a set of 3125 audio CDs, each labeled "The Absolute Absolute Absolute Absolute BEST of The 5th Dimension!!!!!", and marked with the names of the 31 performers who have at various times been part of the American singing group "The 5th Dimension". Each instance of SCP-092, when played in a standard CD player, will produce a distinct anomalous effect upon all individuals within hearing range. The anomalous phenomenon will last 74 minutes (the duration of a standard audio CD), during which time listeners will be unable to leave hearing range, or to shut off the CD player or otherwise interrupt its function. As well, when the anomalous phenomenon finishes, all surviving listeners will engage in synchronized vocalization of the phrase "Wow, that was real cool"; synchronized vocalization has been observed in non-anglophones, pre-verbal infants, unconscious individuals, paralyzed individuals, and individuals physically incapable of speech due to laryngeal, lingual, and/or buccal damage.
The anomalous properties of each instance of SCP-092 are thematically and conceptually linked to the number 5, dimensions, and/or the members of The 5th Dimension. As of ██/██/████, 871 instances of SCP-092 have been assessed and their anomalous properties formally described; see document 092-W83 for a full list, or below for a representative sample.
Representative sample of documented anomalous properties of instances of SCP-092
When an instance of SCP-092 is inserted into the CD drive of a personal computer, its files can be accessed without triggering the anomalous effects. Examination of the files indicates that each CD has different content; all content is audio material by or pertaining to The 5th Dimension and its individual members: in addition to all known commercially-released songs, files contain live performances, practice sessions, auditions, media interviews, and personal conversations.
Acquisition log
On May 5th, ████, an unidentified man (henceforth SCP-092-B) carrying two suitcases approached front gate guards at Site-19, and stated that he wished to surrender himself and his anomalous creations into Foundation custody. The contents of his suitcases were confiscated, and classed as SCP-092; SCP-092-B was transferred to Site-37 for interrogation.
During interrogation, SCP-092-B revealed the thematic connections (five, dimensions, and The 5th Dimension) between all instances of SCP-092, and then committed suicide.
Restricted access
Transcript of statement made by SCP-092-B upon arrival at Site-19
Guard: Sir, this is private property, you can't —
SCP-092-B: This is a secret Foundation site, right?
Guard — you can't come in here, sir, I —
SCP-092-B: You're the SCP Foundation, and I'm a failure.
Guard: … what was that, sir?
SCP-092-B: You're the SCP Foundation, and I'm a failure. I think I'm clever, but I'm not. I'm a stupid boring nekulturny hack who thinks that money and cheap puns can take the place of talent and inspiration. I'm tasteless. I'm dull. I'm incompetent, I have no sense of style, and the only reason I'm not an art criminal is that nothing I've ever made is even close to being art. You can secure me, and you can contain me, but no one can protect me. Please take me and my anomalous garbage into custody.
(At this point, guards summoned backup. SCP-092-B repeated this statement verbatim until he was taken into custody.)
Excerpt from transcript of SCP-092-B interrogation session #2
Interviewer: Yes, we understand about "five-ness", thank you, that's been most helpful, but we were also wondering what you could tell us about how you made these.
SCP-092-B: I just wanted to be cool, you know? I really did. I thought… well, I had my inheritance, and my collection, and there was the estate, and the abandoned museum, and so much of the stuff went together, and it wasn't that tough, and… look, my ideas were better than yours! They were! I know they were! No! They're not! Nobody's impressed by stupid facile wordplay. It's not even good wordplay, it's kindergarten-level paronomasia, oh look FIVE DIMENSIONS WHAT OTHER THINGS CAN YOU THINK OF THAT COME IN FIVES, I'm worthless. I'm worthless.
Interviewer: Better than my ideas?
SCP-092-B: There's no deeper meaning to what I did, it's all just superficial Potemkin-village crap pumping imitation SHIT into the river of human achievement. It's Stein's fucking Oakland, and I don't even FUCKING understand those FUCKING allusions. I'm an uninspired wannabe, I'm boring, I'm a useless hack with NO FUCKING IMAGINATION. I've wasted and ruined miracles, I've squandered so much raw material that better people could have done so much with… I just… I'm not cool. I never will be. I'm really sorry about the mess. These aren't my arms.
(At this point, SCP-092-B seized his own head with both hands and ripped it off his neck, killing himself instantly.)
Footnotes
1. Requests have been made to use SCP-092-200 to send exploration teams equipped with environment suits to Himalia; approval is pending.
2. D-092-7714, who had lost an eye in a fight prior to entering Foundation custody, grew four extra eyes when listening to SCP-092-278.
3. Although SCP-092 was taken into Foundation custody in ████, von Trier began production on Dimension in the 1980s, with the intention of continuing for 30 years.
