𝗜'𝗟𝗟 𝗙𝗜𝗡𝗗 𝗬𝗢𝗨 | 𝘼. 𝙃𝙊𝙏𝘾𝙃𝙉𝙀𝙍

one

And although Aaron Hotchner had tasted love on your lips once again, it was not enough to allow him to stay.

As soon as Strauss got word of his actions, especially as Unit Chief, he was immediately suspended from active duty in Quantico and transferred with no say of his own. Not only was he transferred to another unit, but half way across the country & a world away from you.

You distinctly remember him sitting you down in his apartment, filling the dent in his leather armchair with your weight & crutch and telling you of his transferal. Shock absorbed into your face and thus created pools of sadness that ran down your then stained cheeks. You begged, oh, you pleaded that he would stay.

'Aaron, please-' you choked on words and heartbreak, crawling on your hands and knees and grasping his legs so he physically couldn't go, '-Why are you doing this to me? I've just got you back, please- my love- please! I'm begging you, Aaron, don't go.'

He too was gagging on sentences that could never make him forgive himself. 'I have to,' his voice cracked bitterly. Tracing your back, his hands rested and he held you, as if he wanted a reason to stay embedded to his floor forever. Your embrace was his home.

'Aaron...Aaron...' you blurted between sobs of pure agony & breaths so ragged your lungs felt empty and dry. Your chest convulsed and you swore your heart may aswell have been torn out in front of you.

'Gene- Beck- Beck I love you. Beyond words, I love you. But I have to; I'm meant to.'

Neither of you knew what was worse, the fact you were practically on borrowed time from when you got off the plane, or the fact you were due to move in with him not a week from when he told you, and all the boxes in your apartment were inched towards the door every single day leading upto it. Your new future, shattered in an instant. If only you had never even thought about Norway.

'You're not meant to, Aaron. You're meant to stay here with me! Start a life with me!'

'You're not making this any easier for me...'

Your fury turned from parched to utterly suffocating in seconds. 'Easier for you?! It took you over six months, Aaron- six months- to remember who I was, and now you're just leaving again? You may aswell have never remembered me in the first place! I could've gone to Norway. I could've left before you had the chance. But as always, that's what I get for being stupid and reckless. I wish...

I wish you'd never remembered me.'

It all came out in a fit of rage, your tears, your pent up anger that it took him so long to remember and when he did in fact find you, he would just up & leave again. It wasn't necessarily his fault, but he was the only one you could get mad at. His eyes widened as your words hit him like knives in the chest, he physically felt the searing slash of everything thrown at him. He grabbed his face as you hobbled up and leaned against your crutch, wanting nothing more than to be out of his sight.

'Where are you going?' he questioned, clearly distraught.

'Home. I'm going home,' you looked at him, you looked at his apartment and realised this could never be yours. You'd never call it 'ours', 'This will never be my home now.'

Aaron squabbled for words to stop you. 'You don't know that, Strauss could change her mind, she could-'

'Don't. Just don't. I don't want to get my hopes up again, Hotch. I keep getting disappointed. I love you, Aaron,' you said truthfully, 'But this can never work. It's not fair.'

And he cried, still stood where you left him after detaching yourself from his waist. 'Please.'

Your body gingerly turned to face him, how fragile he was stood on the wooden floor, where your perfume lingered around him and encased him in a cell so threatening he was crumbling before you. 'I love you more than life, but this is no life for us, my love. Goodbye, Aaron. I'll see you around,' you bawled too, opening the door with your back facing it, and begrudgingly exiting his home. His final pleads were enough to bring you to your knees outside.

'Gene...Gene?'

        What was worse? The fact you barely had a chance to build a future with him- what could've been 'your' home- or the fact Aaron was leaving three days after he told you and you didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. Not that you could've, you were still infuriated with his existence but oh god, you couldn't help but love him. You looked at him and thought, Oh, Aaron. If only you knew that you are loved, and how much I want you to stay, and that is exaclty what angered you.

Sat in the snow of November, Emily
joined you upon the steps leading out of the airport. 'I thought you were moving in with him.'

You nodded slowly, biting on the inside of your bottom lip. 'So did I, Em.'

JJ appeared round the side of you and huddled close, like three bewildered penguins who's ice had melted. The snow dotted itself in each strand of your hair and you felt the cold brush away all of your sticky tears.

'Do you reckon he'll be allowed back?' said Jennifer hopefully.

You shrugged, hearing the commotion of Derek, Spencer and Dave behind you. 'Who knows? It's for the best, I suppose. He's...we're...yeah,' you stalled, resting on JJ's head as she laid her own on your shoulder. Rossi was now in charge and thus meant you were second in command; that was the only thing Strauss promised Aaron before he left- that you would be in a position deemed higher than a 'reckless agent'.

The new Chief's phone buzzed. 'Looks like we have a case. Pack your bags everybody,' and they dispersed as normal; how could they be so emotionless about this? How could they be so grey towards Aaron?

'Beck? You coming?' Rossi said to you, still perched on the wintery steps. Wrapping up, you shook your head, handing over your badge and gun. He furrowed in horror. 'Not you too.'

'No. I just need to sit this one out. Give me a couple days to unpack my apartment?' you requested in a shallow manner. He nodded slowly and watched you walk away into the blizzard, knowing full well that your eyes were red from grief rather than the cold.

                 Leaving puddles where snow was melting off your boots, your floor became slippy; steadying yourself on a box, it became damp with your handprint. Taking off your scarf and coat, you scanned your place for anything that wasn't packed. Nope, nothing. Nada. Leaning on the damp box, you remembered solely packing this one, full of photos, memories and nostalgia of better times. Twisting it around, there was a small chunk of writing hiding from you. Instantly, you sighed- you'd recognise that scrawl anywhere.

Can't wait for you to move in with me. Our new future- our home. Together. Through thick & thin, Beck. I've always wanted you by my side.

A x

To quieten yourself, a hand was placed over your agape mouth so no neighbour would complain about violent cries & wails coming from your flat. You held the box as if it was him, simply praying things would change and that it wouldn't feel this way forever. But as long as he was gone, you reckoned you'd be in a permanent state of missing him, just like you had done for the last six months. You may aswell have never found him. Would that have been easier? To know he was out there oblivious? Probably not, but the overwhelming physical pain his absence caused you was enough for you to want to erase all memory of him.

You wished it was you who had forgotten. Oh, Beck.