Retired Magician

Artwork above is by MarshallTrap on DeviantArt

Dedicated to Shalone "Shalonesk" Howard

Once upon a time, a long time ago, the Nymphs of the Glade came together and created a hero that they named "Rayman." However, he was born without limbs, due to a shortage of Lums, or so some have said. But one day, after a big noise complaint from the Land of the Livid Dead, Rayman and his gaggle of pals fought back with plenty of slaps, punches, and kicks, before being imprisoned in cages. Luckily for them, escape was easily attained, but the Glade of Dreams was far from fixed, so it was up to Rayman, Globox, and the Teensies to rescue not just the Electoons, not just the Nymphs, not just the kings, but to restore the Glade to its truest form. All along the way, they collected Lums for a handsome and awesome Teensie, who was colloquially known as "the Magician," in exchange for Electoons.

And after many feats of heroism, Rayman and pals finally made it to the Land of the Livid Dead to settle their conflict, but soon found out that the monster in charge of the Underworld was actually just the sixth Nymph, Voodoo Mama... Or was her name Big Mama? It doesn't matter. What did matter was who actually set up the Livid Dead against Rayman: The Magician. Rayman, Globox, and the Teensies ventured all the way to the Moody Clouds on the backs of the mosquitoes, and met the Magician sitting in his lair counting Lums. They never would've guessed it was him all along that set them up! With the help of a microphone disguised as a flower, of course.

But before they could get their hits in, he pulled a lever and sent a legion of robotic monsters after them! But no matter what he threw at them, they managed to return and prepared him for punishment. But he had another trick up his sleeve. Because Rayman, Globox, and the Teensies were supposedly idiots, the Magician distracted them with an oddly cool disco dance before immediately making a run for it on an airship the Livingstones  rode into the Moody Clouds. Fortunately, the Mosquitoes arrived just in time and a battle in the skies commenced! Soon, the Magician, the Livingstones, and the airship were all vanquished after the power source of his mechanical hideout was DESTROYED!! OH, GOODY!!

He wasn't killed, but the injuries were major, and the feeling of a GIANT AIRSHIP CRASHING ON TOP OF ME ISN'T EXACTLY VERY NOSTALGIC!! I-I mean, on top of HIM. N-Not me! Hehehe. Moving on, after the heroes had vanquished the Magician, they fell back into the Snoring Tree, only to DOZE OFF AND SNORE LIKE THE LAZY IDIOTS THEY ARE!! AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY!! EVER!! AFTER!!! ... Heheheheheh, excuse my outburst. Now, you might be wondering how I know all of this or why I'm so angry about the success of the heroes and the vanquishing of the Magician... Simply put, I AM THE MAGICIAN!!

Another thing I am though is PERSISTENT!! After an entire century of writing down plans and throwing them away, I soon found myself facedown in a pillow stained with tears... But then I found four other clones of myself lurking in my lair... Finally, I had an idea! First I was to enroll a few extra minions of my own. I knew I couldn't go to the Livid Dead, so I instead sought out some nightmarish jerks who had been wreaking havoc. I told them that I'd pay them handsomely if they helped me with a few kidnappings. Unsurprisingly, they were on board very quickly, and so they helped me and my handsome clones kidnap all the other Teensies and those dumb, Barbarian princesses!

With the Teensies captured and my plan successful, I would occasionally take a Teensy maiden back to my room and honk their nose with immense amusement... Unfortunately, my plan was soon to be foiled. After just two weeks, those STUPID HEROES managed to rescue the princesses AND all the Teensies! THEY EVEN MANAGED TO DESTROY ALL MY MINIONS!! on the plus side, I didn't have to pay them anymore, BUT THEN MY CLONES WERE BANISHED TO SOME DESOLATE MOON AND POKED IN THE REARS BY STUPID MOON DEVILS... And so was I. For the next few months, we were all stuck in craters while being humiliated by the inhabitants. Eventually, they got bored of me and my clones and ceased torturing us. 

They bid us farewell and managed to kick us far off their moon, only to fall right back into the Glade. As a result, all my clones vanished, and I was left with nothing but their clothes. Infuriated, emasculated, berated, and humiliated beyond belief, I headed back to my home to do some cleaning. But the second I opened the door, I noticed a bunch of Lums meddling with my stuff! I grabbed a fly swatter and screamed at them to hit the road! Immediately, the Lums fled and giggled, disappearing into the brush! I shook my fist at the little, golden creatures, jeering all kinds of threats, insults, and slurs at them! However, my remarks only landed on deaf ears... And I was all alone... And here I am... Writing this in my diary... Will I attempt to conquer the Glade again? Most likely not, if I'm being honest... But what's the point in doing so anyhow? I better close up the book... I think my tears are smudging the words.

Oo-tay e-bay ontinued-cay.