THE BOOK OF WEREWOLF CLICHES

TELLING TOO MUCH

I can, believe it or not, recite the first three pages of a cliche-over-used plot book-I'm not just talking about the werewolf genre here, I'm talking about every genre inbetween.

Read the following excerpt in a Kermit the Frog voice, it helps with my sarcastic tone.

"Hi, my name is (fancy, unimportant, and hardly readable name, and yet unique because the writer wanted it to be as original as possible). I'm five feet-something short. I have some gorgeous color hair, my eyes are some gorgeous color, that is so unrealistic. Ugh, I hate how I look, I'm so ugly, just ugh. I'm turning eighteen...."

(Normally, as you estimated fifteen people will know, the writer will then go onto describing her family, most likely adding on how her family talks, while giving the most uncomfortable and laugh-out-loud dialogue ever. But for the sake of my sleep schedule, I'm exluding the extra two-and-a-half pages.) The writer, will go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on! Leaving me staring at the fucking screen muttering to myself in the most sarcastic voice I can muster:

"Wow, thanks! I basically know everything there is about the fucking character."

I know every useless detail on that damned main character's body. I know way too much about the character, and don't want to know anymore. No fucking offense, but you just wasted my time, and I ain't ever gonna see those fifteen minutes again.

not only that, but the writer completely ignores the back story. The writer will just write useless characters for the convenience of the plot.

Sometimes, they use this strategy to have some character say the words everyone else has been wanting to say.

--

Okay, okay-lemme put it like this:

I meet the author's character in real life. I'm obviously going to see she has some gorgeous eye color, and gorgeous hair color, as well as her height, and her age. I'm at a cafe, drinking hot chocolate, reading a book about something. She strays in, takes out a chair across from me, the smell of Bath & Body Works perfume that she's wearing, surrounds us-and all I can think about is, do I smell as good as her?

No, just kidding.

But going back to that theory: she strays in, takes out a chair across from me, and inputs every fucking thing she's gotta say in the first chapter. Mind you, I'm talking about the chapter with the whole 'Hi, my name is Yada-Yada-Yah...'. She then, tells me every fucking thing there is about her family, what she ate that morning; how embarrassingly bad, corny, and cheesy the conversations are with her family.

MInd you, she does this while chewing on her brownie cake, with crumbs spewing out of her mouth, because she doesn't breathe inbetween sentences.

Do you think I'm going to be interested in what else she has to say?

Nope, she got crumbs all over me. What else do I have to say to her? My whole life story back?

No, I would have run away when she started eating that goddamned brownie cake. I don't want to know jackshit about her life anymore. I don't think I'll even be there to pay for my cup of hot chocolate.

In real life, I don't get along with people that tell me there life story in one run. I really enjoy figuring it out myself. Maybe, because the people I know aren't really comfortable with sharing jackshit with me. And I think it also has to do with the fact that I live by the motto 'live in the future, not in the past'. Which is roughly the translation from Chinese to English, as I am Chinese.

I'm getting off topic.

Writers, you are telling way too much about your character. So, shut the fuck up and introduce it throughout the damned book. Perhaps start off with a monologue, so we get introduced to how he/she speaks. Introduce she/he's current situation, so we know what the books most likely going to start off as. Or, and I don't even see this anymore, maybe start off with a quote that she/he lives off of, how it has affected them. Just stop giving me bland characters that appear to have nothing going on in their lives, because we all have something going on. Even if you don't think so, I guarantee you that you do.

Stop giving me the same damned thing over and over again. Stop putting every fucking thing that has happened in her life in one fucking chapter. It doesn't help the plot, the characters, and more importantly it doesn't help you grow in any fucking way as a writer.

And if you do happen to put the whole life story thing as your first chapter; oh, honey, you just dug a grave for yourself.

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completely unedited

I fucking hate how Wattpad isn't compatible with Surface Pro's. I also fucking hate how it doesn't have fucking spellcheck. I'll check up on this tomorrow morning, I'll dedicate it to some crap.. I don't even know. its fucking twelve, this thirteen-year-old is really fucking tired. And she's got school.