Just some stuff

poem/rant

Grumoy

I was born youngest in a family of Five three sisters one mom and one dad most of my family was nice however my mother and middle sister being only a year older for lack of better words was cold as ice saying she hated hugs but only from me, giving friends hugs on almost a spree. I was bullied since seven called fat and bossy and one of three singled out. Then I moved at grade 4 and in grade five when i opened that door I was surprised at the people, all the differences between them, may it be names or skin tones or how each of them was kind and joyful, I felt at home I felt happy for the first time in years, fast forward more years and years and a pandemic was on a spree keeping everyone in their houses and not letting us be free, I was stuck with that cold sister of mine for a year, then I had went to see my grandmother that very same summer like every year, but it was different, earlier that year the dog that I had for years and that I grew up with had died I cried waterfall like tears and my mental state that had a thin bandage was abondened those trust scars never healed and my grandmother seemed like she no longer cared about how I feeled. I couldn't make myself had fun I couldn't do anything but sit in the house away from the sun, when I did come out I was berated and when I retaliated, I was called grumpy, how am I grumpy when I have a shell and a wall put up from you that sister that was meant to help me, you do the opposite and call me grumpy? The plan was to stay only 3 months like usual but we stayed and extra 2 and a half months. Away from my life line I had got a year before away from my cat, that wiped my tears and sat on my chest when I was sad, I had only passed because of the easy A, the next year was online and was the toughest year of my life my mental state was only worse but of course, I was a hermit to everyone in my family, that were supposed to care for me but in my time of need they turned they're backs on me, mother spoke of doing things for strangers mental health while I was silently drowing in the background, drowning in self doubt and thoughts of death, my self discovery of my sexuality had only made it worse, then, with slim chance of passing that grade the girl that once had straight As was bested by a hate so deep that I could barely breathe sometimes, if that wasn't worse we had gone back to my grandma's for 3 and a half months, this year was worse, even with my eldest sister by my side I couldn't help but cry as someone who was supposed to be my guide as the how I was to then she had insults thrown at me and made herself the victim my grandma only seemed to care after I had shot back I felt alone as she again called me grumpy and defined me by my gender why, why am I the one who is grumpy, after everything you do I no longer have that smile that I once did my joy has been stolen from me by my own family and I am slowly starting to kill myself inside everything is do I feel in the wrong and I every time I don't finish something even though I have spread myself thin I call myself a failure, how can you turn your back at her hurting me and then blame me when she kick me and she insults me, however you have been convinced I am wrong because in her eyes when I cry its because for attention I am hungry but I guess I am just grumpy.

Sorry I had to get it out somewhere