Timeless

Realizations

**Trigger warning depressive thoughts/ actions**

It was the summer before our sophomore year. I had taken a job as a bus boy at a local restaurant. One day the head cook saw me watching them. We began to talk. He decided to take me on as an apprentice. I loved chopping shit! I loved how the grease sizzled. I loved the aromas and how fast everything moved. In short, I loved to cook. This was my downfall when it came to Kaoru.
Yes he loved to eat anything I made. We had one night a week where I cooked for him. It was my favorite night. Our week then was Monday and Tuesday we dedicated to homework, Wednesday was the skate park until eight then Cherry had to do stuff with his mom. Thursday was her charity work night, his dad’s poker night, and our dinner night. Friday and Saturday I worked all day at the restaurant. Sunday would be a mix. Sometimes I would work in the afternoon. Other times I would be able to dedicate it to Kaoru and skate boarding.
This was how the beginning of the summer went. By August, we had met Ainosuke.  It happened on a Wednesday. We had just finished up at the skate park. Kaoru liked to go down this path by the water, on our way home. As we were about to enter the tunnel under the over pass, a group of boys were coming from the other side. The tallest of them was Ainosuke. He went high to go over Cherry who was in his path.
As Kaoru ducked low to his board, I saw him watching wide eyed at the teen flashing by overhead. The light that illuminated his pale face, in a word, hurt. I knew my time was limited. The newcomer landed. His face was hidden in the depths of a grey hoodie. He spun around, coming up hill to check on Kaoru.
“Wow, quick reflexes.” He smirked. His boys gathered behind him. I moved to Kaoru's side. Looking at his face, I could tell I was forgotten. Casually I leaned against the railing as Cherry, licked at his lip piercing. I frowned.
“Yeah, he's like that.” I muttered. My heart hammering in my chest as I watched Kaoru looking at the other. Slowly, Ainosuke lowered his hoodie, his pink eyes flashed as a delighted smile played over his lips.  This was where Joe and Cherry truly began. Kaoru spoke up, introducing himself as Cherry Blossom, I was an after thought. It was only when Ainosuke turned to me and asked who I was, that Cherry even recalled I was there.
After that fate filled night, Cherry was with Ainosuke as much as he was with me. Work became less of an attraction to me. Although I still loved learning to cook, I often thought about Cherry with Ainosuke. Here was when I learned to hide my true feelings behind our arguments.
The first week of school came. Wouldn’t you know it, Ainosuke ended up attending the same school as us. While at school, he tended to ignore Cherry, favoring his small group of friends. It was here that he learned our real names. After school, Cherry began to invite him to our homework sessions, then to our Wednesday night skates. Even our weekends were soon invaded by the tall smiling boy. I was dreading the time when he would invite Ainosuke to our Thursday dinners.
Just after Christmas,  I was cooking for us. I had spent nearly all day perfecting my tomato sauce. I chopped up vegetables, had developed an amazing blend of herbs and spices to mix in it. Just the right amount of garlic, it was all my own creation. It had been simmering in a slow cooker while we were at school. Kaoru stated he had something he had to do after school. He promised he would be there for our dinner.
 As soon as I got home, I began to prepare my own garlic bread. I made the dough from scratch, baking it to perfection as I gathered the right combination of cheeses to melt deliciously over the top.  I made fresh spaghetti noodles all by hand. My signature mouth watering meatballs set everything off splendidly.
It had been a long time that I began to think of just how I felt about Kaoru. I knew he was my best friend. I didn’t lack for female attention. As my body developed from working out, more girls appeared wherever I was.  None of them had the appeal that could take my attention away from the graceful delicate delight of Kaoru Sakurayashiki. The way his hand grasped a pen as he drew artfully. How his handwriting was a piece of art. I cherished every line he wrote for me.
I began to see how, even as delicate as he looked, his ability to pull strength from his skating gained him confidence. All of this was alluring to me. Watching as he grew into an amazingly bright person. I loved just being in his general vicinity. Yet, I didn’t truly have a name for how I felt about him.
Was it love, friendship, brotherly protection? I didn’t fully understand it all. I was only sixteen. Many things were confusing for me then. My other classmates would comment often on how I could have my pick of any girl at school. This would always draw my attention to him. The quiet loner who was just out of the group. The smartest kid in school, because he kept to himself reading. How his neck bent gracefully over a book. No girl could compare to that sight.
That was why, this particular Thursday, I had decided on something. I would tell him. What exactly I hadn’t figured out. I would try to make him see himself through my eyes. Maybe, just maybe, he would understand what it was I felt for him. Why my heart pounded whenever he was close. Why I couldn’t tear my eyes from him when he skated. How the anger simmered just below my skin whenever I saw others looking at him as I did. He was mine. That was what I wanted to tell him.
Five minutes to six I laid everything out on the table. I had found a beautiful white table cloth with Cherry blossoms all over it. This framed the pink dishes I went out to buy specially for tonight, perfectly. My eye for fashion was something even Kaoru appreciated, most of the time. I had even gone out of the way to get sparkling grape juice, a silly touch, but I knew it would be worth it when Cherry realized it.
 Six o’clock came. I lit the candles,, adjusted the over head lightening to reflect his beauty. With a towel over my arm, I waited. I had pressed black slacks on. A crisp white button up shirt was opened to reveal a light green tank top under it. My hair was pulled back to look more serious and professional. I was sure the knock on the door would come any second. My eyes didn’t leave the rectangle portal.
Five minutes passed.  I checked my phone. I was sure the reason he hadn’t texted was because he was on his way. Ten, fifteen minutes went by, still no Kaoru. I texted him. Another fifteen minutes, no reply. I called. His voice mail picked up almost immediately. Oh, maybe his phone had died ? I left a joking message. No response.
 By seven dinner was ruined. I threw it away. I didn’t even want to eat a single bite of it. Instead, I fixed myself a bowl of cereal. After taking the trash out I went to shower. I got ready for bed. Sinking into the softness of my bed, I checked over social media on my phone. Nothing from Cherry.
My chest felt hallow. It was as if a huge cavern opened up in it.  This was when the depression started. When I realized, I just wasn’t good enough for him. I had stayed, but he had never wanted me too. All these years and he was really just trying to get rid of me. I wasn’t even a passing thought of happiness to him. I saw it now, how he felt like I was an anchor holding him down. He couldn’t fly with my rope around his neck.
 At quarter after eight he texted.
“Sorry, was busy with Adam.’
‘Whose Adam?’ I had texted.
‘Oh, Ainosuke.’ I didn’t respond. I shut my phone off. The darkness was complete. I had lost. No amount of forcing the issue would change that. Cherry had always meant every word of all our arguments. There hadn’t been any hidden meaning in them. No deeper connection. No, I was nothing but a burden to him. The rope was tight, that night, I cut it free.
I was in love. Lying there in the darkness, I knew that. That was when I fully embraced my feelings. I was in love with my best friend. Probably had been since the first time I saw him. But for him, it had all been nothing. A source of stress. Everything I did only fueled his anger for me. How I clung to him. His enduring “Clingy Gorilla" being yelled at me. I would laugh.
This would send him into a frenzy of name calling. None of it was ever kind. He had never really had a kind word to say to me. Not since the night under the cherry blossom tree.
That night, as I laid in bed, my heart a black hole in my chest, even I knew I couldn’t let him go. I was in love, but nothing I did could make him even like me.
For the first time, I cried myself to sleep. The next day I went to school. We had a spot where we would meet, then skate to school together. This Friday, I took a slightly different route. It brought me up over our meeting place. He wasn’t there. I decided not to even go down that way. Instead, I followed my own route to school.
Cherry was almost late. He rushed in just before the late bell rang. I was sitting near the front of our class. Several of the girls surrounding me. I was telling them about a new trick move I had finally mastered. I saw Cherry rush in. His golden eyes grew round at seeing me. My smile stayed in place, but my heart nearly stopped. He looked disheveled.
Not in a way that most people would notice. But I knew every inch of him. He was just slightly left of center. Our eyes met briefly. I saw his mouth open. I could almost see the steam rolling out of his ears like in cartoons. He was about to say something, but Ainosuke came strolling in behind him.
Not letting my face change, I soon began to realize he hadn’t been upset with me. He wasn’t even late because he had been waiting for me. He had been with him. I turned away, laughing at one of the girls as she leaned her ample bosom against my arm. Cherry walked by. He took our usual seat.
“Hey, you girls have an extra seat here, mind if I join you?” I asked. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Cherry turn away to look out the window. It didn’t even bother him. I rushed from class, made a meeting with my group for a project for lunch. My last class was a study hall, I got permission to leave school early. I went straight to work.
I didn’t see Cherry for the entire weekend. He wasn’t at the skate park Sunday. I skipped it, heading to a little-known area I had found another time when he wasn’t talking to me. I spent the day there. When I got home, mom said Kaoru had stopped by. I shrugged. I had deliberately left my phone charging when I went out that morning.
There were several texts from him. All angry, all calling me a stupid ugly gorilla. A few mentioning the girls. I sent one reply. “Good bye.” Then turned the phone off. I once more cried myself to sleep. Monday, I didn’t go to school. I didn’t turn my phone on. Tuesday, I went to school.
I avoided Cherry. We had just about every class together. I would walk in, go up to the teacher, make up some excuse why I couldn’t stay in class then go hide somewhere. I never even looked up to see if it bothered him. My depression sank tight around my chest. Wednesday, I couldn’t even force myself to look at my skateboard, let alone go to he park.
Thursday. Six o’clock came, a loud pounding was heard at my front door. My parents were out of town. I ignored the pounding. The doorbell rang insistently. After twenty minutes I could hear the neighbors yelling. It didn’t stop. Finally, I went to answer it.
“About time, you idiotic Gorilla!” He screamed at me.  I didn’t respond. He blinked.
“Are you mad because I forgot last Thursday? Adam got hurt. I had to take him to the ER.” He explained.
“I’m just a stupid gorilla, why would I be mad?” I asked not moving an inch to let him in. He blinked at me. My phone rang. I looked down at it. I forced a smile.
“Hey, babe!” I stated happily into the phone. “No, I was just heading to the gym.” I listened. “Sure, later.” I hung up, maneuvered around him as I pulled the door closed behind me and walked away.
“Kojiro, what’s wrong?” He asked. Falling into step with me.
“Not a thing.” I grinned over my shoulder. “I got your message loud and clear. Sorry, being a stupid gorilla, it just took a few years to sink in.” Kicking off I left him standing there. The next night was when he came into the restaurant with Adam. My misery was complete.