Hold me? (A Lydia Martin x Dean Winchester fanfic)

(Chapter 8) Healing

"How is he?"

"Psychical, he's stable." Cas and Sam are talking. Dean went to his room. "Mentally. It's hard to say."

"What? Cas-"

"He remembers Sam. It's very clear to him, and he's not gonna forget the pain he could have caused. He almost killed both of you, Lydia's life was in his hands."

I brushed my bandage. It wasn't bleeding anymore, replaced with a new bandage.

"It wasn't his fault. He should know that." I said, "..Lydia, you're only still alive because of Cas." Sam, leaning against the table looked at me with a slight frown. "That's true." I sighed, "..Thank you." I gave him a genuine smile. "You're welcome. I'm just glad I showed up in time. I imagine you'll want a break after... Well, after everything. Both of you..."

I looked at Sam, his shoulders slumped as he stood against the table. I could see how deprived of sleep he was. I could feel how he felt. But I imagined he felt worse. He would have pulled the trigger.

"After this, I could visit Beacon Hills. I've been gone for so long, they probably will faint just from seeing me." I stood with a playful smile, Cas tilting his head in slight confusion. "Cause they'll be happy, or at least close." He understood, losing the look and nodding. "Maybe I could bring you guys."I shrugged before standing, going to head to the hallway. "Yeah, maybe. Hey, I'm gonna go grab a bite. You want anything?" Sam asked and grabs his coat off the chair. "Yogurt and some fruit. I've been craving it." I smiled.

Making my way to Dean's room was long but not tiring. I knew who was in there now, but my thoughts still held the man before. What if the blood was only a decoy, a trick to get us in certainty, and then suddenly he finishes what he started. The thoughts are a scrape on the surface but it doesn't stop me from going to him.

When I get to his door, I hesitate. Peaking in I see a sight that makes me pause, my chest warming in a way I was certain I wouldn't feel anymore, and the thoughts of him tricking us are gone.

Dean's sitting on his bed looking at photos, photo's from a box that looks to of been uncovered after weeks of dust. I wait and look at him. His demeanor has changed. He looks grave and almost troubled but soaking in the photos with a look of remembrance. He wasn't stiff or looked to be on alert, just looked like the rest of us. Tired.

He still has the mark of Cain, we don't know why and we don't know when he can completely get rid of it. It would piss me off but right now it only makes me feel more sluggish. I've gone through worse than this, yet I feel like I did this better when I was younger.

"Dean?" I asked, having a sudden swiftness of slight fear in my pulse I didn't expect, I didn't want. I needed to see him, not him.

I see the guilt when he looks at me, setting the photos down before standing up. His movement toward me is hesitant and I frown upon noticing it. I push myself toward him much faster, letting him know not to be scared to touch me because the thought of him feeling that way hurts on too many levels. I feel his arms wrap around me, hugging me heart to heart and shoving his nose in my hair. I feel him shudder and his grip grows stronger, a longing to keep this safe.

I imagined he was terrified, he was guilty, he was lost. I knew him enough to know he was angry.

I breathed, smelling the familiar scent of musky pine, leather, and a foreign sweet smell I never identified but loved because it was Dean. I feel happy again, feel like I could fall asleep right in his arms. I feel his arm move and look up when he takes my face in his right hand, gazing at me with love and regret. I see his eyes flicker to my bandage, something dark shadowing his green eyes and I feel my stomach sink. "I did this." I stayed mute, his eyes never leaving the bandage. "I wanted to do it." I looked away, knowing I couldn't say much. Knowing neither of us couldn't run from the truth. "What about now?" I whispered, taking his hand from my face and holding it with as much strength as my words. If someone walked in it'd look like we were about to dance.

"No.."

"Good."

The silence made my eyes fill with tears that were threatening to spill.

"I'm sorry..." He said, sounding distant. I moved and cradled his face in my hand. "I know." I caressed his face with my thumb, "It wasn't you.." he suddenly looked to wanna argue, closing his eyes and sighing deeply, but went against it and leaned into my touch. When I saw the few tears that silently moved down his face I brushed them away, a sob escaping my throat. "I'm so sorry, oh God, I'm so sorry Lydia." his tone was desperate, grieving as he wrapped his arms around me once again. "I'm sorry." I wanted to shake my head but the images of before slithered back in, the feeling of the blade pressed against my throat with the certainty of death. It made my stomach drop and made me feel sick.

It was gonna haunt me. When I'm awake, in our bed. I'll have nightmares and I'll have to be awakened from my screaming dreams.

There was a knock at the door and I sighed. He gave me a quick but lovely kiss on my forehead before letting go of me and opened the door with irritation, only revealing Cas standing there. "Yeah?" Cas hovered for a few minutes before walking in. "You look terrible." Cas squinted his eyes and looked at Dean. I let out a small laugh and shook my head. "You know, it wouldn't kill you to lie every now and again." Dean said, sitting on the edge of his bed."No, it wouldn't kill me. I just.. You..." Cas stared back confused. "Forget it.." Dean looked to wanna roll his eyes, Cas still looking confused. "Cas," I started, getting his attention. "You look better than we do, psychically. Are you back?" I tilted my head, "Yes. At least temporarily. It's a long story. Crowley, stolen grace. There's a female outside in the car." I frown and look back at Dean with a small smile, he looks back at me with an alarmed expression. "Another time." Cas shakes his head, looking a bit sheepish. "I'll pin that for late." I teased, Cas shaking his head with slight amusement.

"Well, thank you for, um... Stepping in when you did." Dean said, Cas nods understanding. "What did Sam say? Does he want a divorce?" Dean stands and walks to the other side of the bed, "He went to get food, wouldn't be surprised if he came back with a paper." I chuckled. "He didn't say he was. I'm sure Sam knows that whatever you said or what you did, it wasn't really you. It certainly wasn't all you." Cas replied, looking awkward as his arms flapped a little on his sides. "I tried to kill him, Cas." Dean's tone became defensive. "I almost killed Lyd's." he packs the pictures back into the box and I can see the grave and troubled look from before return, making me sigh.

"Dean. You three have been through so much." Dean shakes his head. I walk over and grab his hand, he returns it with a squeeze. "Look, you're brothers. It'd take a lot more than trying to kill Sam and Lydia with a hammer to make them want to walk away."

"You realize how screwed up our lives are that that even makes sense?" Dean said, looking at him.

Cas laughs making me chuckle, my chest letting go of some of the tension.

"I'm glad you're here, man." Dean gives him a genuine look of appreciation. Cas nods and turns to leave but turns back to face us, hesitant. "Hey, maybe you should um...Take some time before you get back to work. Allow yourself to heal. It's, uh...I don't know. The timing might be right. Heaven and Hell—they seem reasonably back in order. It's quiet out there." Cas said, glancing at me and giving me a quick stern look before leaving, shutting the door behind him.

I didn't fully understand.

He stares at the door seeming to be in thought. "Hey," I said, getting his attention. He looked at me and I smiled, my stomach warming and my heart-lifting. "He's right..." He moved, his hands now rested on my hips. He stared at me with his apple-green eyes full of warmth and I felt myself turn to mush. His eyes started roaming, searching every inch of my face and I felt like we were back to the beginning. Before Metatron. "Let's worry about that later." He said as his arms wrapped around my waist with a slight tug, leaning down a little, and stopping as our noses touched. I felt my heart pick up speed and a rush of excitement course through me, making me grin.

"God, I've missed you Lyd's..."

"Me too... Now shut up and kiss me."

Our lips fit perfectly. He let out a soft sigh of contentment and I smiled into the kiss as I snaked my arms completely around his neck, his arms wrapped around my waist with another tug. It wasn't lustful or rough, that wasn't needed. We weren't burning for each other's bodies, even though we were apart for so long. It was passionate, soft, and comforting. It filled me with a reminder of what I missed. The excitement, the pure cliche love pouring out of me that was strong and thriving.

The kiss felt like home.