Sweet Torture

eighteen:

He runs into the bathroom behind me and he grabs a hairtie. I barely managed to keep it all down before throwing up into the toilet. I didn't
eat anything, beside-

"Does your throat even have an end?" He tries to catches his breath as I stand up and slide on top of him.

It all just comes out. It's as if all my organs have purified and become vommit that just spews out my my mouth. He rubs my back gently as I stand up and flush. He helps me into bed and he opens a bottle of water- I can't have it- I might just ruin my sheets.

"Do you want to go to the doctor?" He asks. I shake my head disapprovingly. I think I could probably count all my doctors' visits on my one hand. He strokes my hair gently as I make myself more comfortable.

"Let's talk about something, anything." I suggest, to get my mind off the nausea.
"You never told me what happened to your parents." He says. My face turns paler. "I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to-"
"No, no, you deserve to know- we're getting married after all..."
"You can stop talking at any point, you don't have to say anything you're not comfortable saying."
"Well, I never knew my father- my mother always told me that he died before I was born. I mean- I don't even know his name, where he's from- I don't even know how he looks, she never showed me a picture... My mom, she was great, but she was-" I catch my breath.
"Jo, you can stop-"
"No it's okay- she was, like, uh, insane. Not in the sense of being like insane in a good way you know- she was insane. She had- well I din't know exactly- It was like, alzheimers or dementia or something like that- mixed with biopolar disorder or demania. I have no clue. She died when I was eight or nine. That's when Liv's mom and dad took me in, they were my mom's best friends, so they were the only family I had. I never knew any of my mothers' relatives either, so I didn't grow up at grandma's house and go on vacations with the whole family and spend school holidays having sleepovers with my cousins- I was alone."

He stares at me and hugs me tight. "I promise you, our kids aren't ever going to live like that. They'll be surrounded by parents and family who love them. I mean, even me you know- Steph and I were in the system for years before Ruth and David found us, so trust me when I say, you and I are going to be the best parents."

I smile. I've never thought of having kids, I mean, the thought scares me. I never had a good impression of what parenthood looked like- even when I lived with Liv, her parents were too busy with work to make time for her- She was basically raised by the househelpers. I mean, I don't know if I even have the gene for whatever my mom had- What if I end up like her?

"Jo, get some rest, you should feel better when you wake up. I need to go to the office and check on a few things, I'll only be gone for about an hour- will you be okay alone?''
"I'll be fine, go."
"I love you."
"I love you."
I hear him shut the door and I fall asleep...

"Mummy, mummy, look at this drawing I did!"
"Drawing...Drawing..."
"Yes mummy, drawing!"
"Who are you!!!"
The little girl grabs her mother and tries to restrict her, but the mother picks her up and slams her to the ground.
''You.. YOU!!"
"MUMMY! MUMMY! PLEASE STOP MUMMY YOU'RE HURTING ME!"
"Mummy...Mummy..."
"Yes mummy, you are my mummy. It's me, mummy."
"Me..."
"It's Anna mummy- your jo-jo..."
"Anna... Jo-Jo..."
"Yes mummy..."

I jump awake. I haven't dreamt of her in years- probably ten. I have to get up- get some fresh air.
The grounds are beautiful- I always wonder why I don't come out here more often. There are some fruit trees- oranges, guavas, and three little strawberry shrubs. I sit on the bench set and I invision raising a family in this backyard- A swing set here, a sand pit there- Cruz and the little ones in the pool and their little floaties- I guess having kids- with the love of my life- isn't such a bad idea after all.

"Hey you." He kisses me on the head. "Good to see you up and walking around."
"Yeah, I needed some fresh air."
He sits next ot me and pulls me closer. "You know, I can totally see us raising kids in this backyard."
"What?"
"What what?"
"What did you say?"
"Wait- Do you wanna have kids?"
"I mean, of course I do-"
"Then what is it?"
"Nothing." He took the words out of my mind. I climb on top of him and kiss him hard.
"Well clearly someone's been too much in the sun- let's take this inside." He throw me over his shoulder and carries me inside.

He pours us orange juice. "So, let's talk about the wedding."
I sip. ''Sure."
"I want to get married to you as soon as possible."
"How soon is soon?''
"Maximum three months. I will not tolerate you not having my last name for longer than that."
"Three months...Don't you think we're moving too fast?"
"Do you think we're moving too fast?"
"We were always full speed ahead, even in high-school, so no."
"Are you having second thoughts? About the wedding? About us?"
"Cruz-"
"Is it about yesterday's situation- or is about the whole kids thing? Because we don't have to have kids if you don't want to have kids. I'm totally fine with spending the rest of my life with just you-"
"Cruz- shutup- I'm not having second thoughts about anything- we're not going to talk about yesterday's situation- what's done cannot be undone- and the kids thing will happen when it's supposed to- Everything will fall into place. So are we hiring a wedding planner?''
"Well I was thinking you and I could just plan it ourselves."
"I'd love that."
"I love you."
My phone rings. It's Liv.
"Hey Liv- what's up?"
"WHERE ARE YOU?"
"Uh, I'm at home?"
"YOU FUCKING BITCH, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK TYLER AND GRAHAM UP FROM THE AIRPORT!!"
''Oh shit, that's today?"
"Yes, they've been waiting for an hour."
I laugh.
"This isn't funny, Forman! I bet you were too busy sexing it up with Forman to remember!"
"Okay okay Liv, we're leaving, love you bye-"
"Don't you dare cut the call on me-"
"What's today? Is it her birthday?"
"Well no, we were supposed to pick the boys up from the airport."
"Oh shit, that's today?"