Authour Diary & Tags

ch 9 (diary)

TW: mention of bullying, implied suicidalness, mention of sexual harassment, mention of panic attack

Here's an update on my life since October. So in January I did something... bad. I'm ashamed of it, I really am. I told Jay to pull her mask up and she gave me a fairly valid reason why not to, and I hit her on the back of the head. Not super hard. I opologized maybe 20 mins later over text and she said we were good and she acted normal towards me for the next month. Please finish all of this before you yell at me in the comments. I'm well aware I fucked up, but this was also 7 months ago. Let fights of the past stay were they belong. Please.

(The reason: she had glitter on her nose and her mask wasn't actually hers)

We kinda got into it a little earlier that night because I thought the name Redskins was offensive (it is), and she refused to see that. After a few minutes I knew she wouldn't get it and walked away.

A few weeks later Jay and Jemmy were going to go to my youth group without me. I asked them what I had done wrong. Jemmy replied, Jay yelled at me cause I called her racist behind her back cause of her calling Indigenous Peoples "Indians," and telling me there was nothing wrong with the name. My mom told their parents we weren't giving them rides anymore and they told her exaggerated stories. Then any time I left my room when she was home I was called a bully. And my mom didn't think it affected me but I wanted to...

Yall know what's implied, if not, look to the tws.

But I opologized to Jay again who said "It's good".

I reunited with A in like March, before it got bad and like half of this happened.

S left me in the last two weeks of school. She ghosted me on Monday and I almost had a panick attack. Friday she finally responded to my messages of asking what was wrong, telling me it was because June made it seem like I hadn't opologized. Keep in mind, it happened in January. S ghosted me in May.

I sent her screenshots of both the opoligies and picked a fight that it was unfair.

Jay and Jemmy spent the last week of school trying to get A to leave me, because apparently I had to be friendless for them to be happy.

But honestly?

Jay was talking shit to everyone, on everyone. On me to Jemmy. On Jemmy to me.

Jemmy has no loyalty. She talked shit on me. Jays ex-boyfriend was cheating on Jay with Jemmy. Jay always had suspicions or at least told me she did. There was something else, but it's slipped my mind.

S was unfair. She also talked shit and got involved in old shit she had nothing to do with.

Oh and there was also everything with Kyle. Yes, Kyle is his real name, I don't care if you all know that. In 8th grade we dated. It was horrible. He sexually harassed me for two months and a week. I was uncomfortable and he read it as nervous. I was too in love to say anything cause I just wanted him to be happy. The last time we were friends was worse than other times we reconnected, I kind of led him on by accident. I was being honest, and stood up for myself a week later. There was also me saying, "I'm sorry you're in love with me," cause I was done saying sorry for not loving him.

Fan fiction is sad and Merlin actually has friends and I don't blah blah blah I'm sad.

If any of you are going through certain things, just want to know more about me, hear specific stories,  anything, please feel free to pm me!!! Life is hard, and sometimes we make horrible decisions. And even though we idolize times in our lives when we think we were at our best, we weren't.

Right now I'm thinking back and remembering how great it felt to be with my old group of friends last summer. And then I remember how when I started crying once from physical pain, the mental pain kept tears flowing. Life is ever easy. Things are never simple.

Again, feel free to reach out to me.

I'm still scared to post this chapter, I don't want anything more coming from an old mistake.