Authour Diary & Tags

ch 10 (diary{Kyle})

This chapter is mostly just philosophizing Kyle and I's relationship.

2018 School Year:
We were in a social studies class in middle school. I thought he was British or maybe Australian or something. The teacher put us in groups and I ended up in the same group as him. Now this was middle school, so I had pigtails, one blue scrunchy thing and one red. I was vaugly uncomfortable. He was the only guy in our group. Eventually he called himself weird and I responded saying
"So am I, hence the pigtails."
I don't think we talked for a week or two after that.
The teacher was making us do this memory matching game, and we were the last two, who happened to be paired together, rather randomly.
I kind of had a little bit of a crush on him.
His hand writing was extremely messy, almost illegible. We talked a bit. I felt comfortable enough to move the cards so they were straight and perfect.
From there, we didn't talk much. We got new seats in science and a friend of mine became friends with him. I was comfortable enough with my friend to be comfortable around him.

2019 School Year:
I had 2 friends and it seemed like everyone else hated me for stupid and random things, which I didn't do.
I developed a crush on Kyle.
We eventually got together in the most confusing way: one day in science he asked me what I would do if he held my hand and I just put my hand out. A few minutes later he did tho. But it was a weekend and I didn't get a chance to talk to him. On Monday at lunch, I made eye contact with him before sitting where I always did, though I ended up being drug over anyways because "Kyle said he wants to sit with his girlfriend." I sat beside him from then on. He sexually harassed me and ruined my mental health. I stayed silent and complied. Eventually we broke up on January 3rd 2020. We were off and on. We dated 10 times.

2020 School Year:
for the most part we just jokingly said sexual stuff. Like that was our entire relationship.

2021 School Year:
So far he is like the only person that talks to me. He calls me for maybe 20 minutes every night he can, but he's usually drunk. Yes, yes he's 16 and I'm not much younger. We were born about 9 months apart. He's a stoner who is always eager to fight and thinks he's alone in the world, and I'm basically his side chick. Although, neither of us feel romantic attraction for the other and he knows I'm asexual. But that's kind of our dynamic. He talks to me when he has no one better to talk to. And I respond because I have very few irl friends, and none who talk to me as often as he does. I'm the girl who reads Jane Austen when she's done with her French test. At this point I want to tell him to calm tf down when he threatens to get in another fight with someone.

Side note that has nothing to do with the above:  my cousin who's the same age as me told me that at least I look normal when we were talking abt my friend, who he said looks like a dragon. I want to do so much to pointedly look "abnormal" now. I was to paint bees all over my arms and where there are holes in my jeans. I was to paint "Do I Still Look Normal?" on my arms. I want to pick him out and ask him if I still look "normal." I usually don't care about how others think I look, but normal? Normal is dehumanizing.