A New World | MCYT x BNHA Fanfic

Vent.

I'm really sorry for the sudden vent. I don't have many people to actually vent to and I thought it would be nice to vent here, since people said I wouldn't be a bother by venting here :]!

and if any of my irl friends are reading this, please click off. i don't want you guys worrying about me at all but if you stay, that's ok. just don't confront me about this irl, just dm me (thank you if you cooperate)

you are not obligated to read this, it is very optional and i will not mind if you read this or not. it is completely your choice, not mine.

I'll get another actual chapter out soon, thank you for all the kind comments, every single comment makes me smile, knowing I have fans who love my fanfic :D!

And—

TW:
Mentions of attempted su!c!d3
Mentions of se/f h@rm
Eating Disorder
Gender Dysphoria (is this a TW?? I don't remember anymore)
(Please tell me if I need to add to this list, I don't want anyone reading to feel uncomfortable due to me not listing a certain TW.)

CW:
Caps Lock
Quick Mood Changes (possible)
Swearing
(Just like with the TW's, please tell me what else I need to add to this list.)

The vent is way down below, please scroll down if you'd like to see it, don't scroll if you are sensitive to any of the topics above.

I'll start off this vent very simple. I don't like my life. Some parts of it, I do, but most of the time, there's times where I have no energy to continue living.

Last night, I really had the intense feeling to just end it all.

Going into the details of the previous night, I had to help my brother set up the new printer we ended up buying due to our OG printer not working.

But what was bad about it?

The fact that I kept getting yelled at.

The one thing that i have to point out is that i'm not a fan of loud noises, especially yelling.

i kept getting yelled at, due to not supposedly helping my fucking brother to set up the printer. my parents kept yelling at me, mostly my father, since I was doing 'nothing'.

My father kept saying how I was so useless, saying how I was just sitting around the entire time. NO. I WAS LITERALLY TRYING TO HELP THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME. WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SAY IM FUCKING USELESS WHEN I HELP THEM ALL THE TIME???

i have really bad memory and I couldnt remember where I put the ink, and my father yelled at me for it, and when I found it, he said I was so useless that I couldn't even find the fucking ink. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DIDNT EVEN HELP AT ALL.

I didn't want to sleep and ended up crying which made the situation worse, I'm labeled as the crybaby in my family because I cry for 'literally nothing' BUT THEY EVER UNDERSTAND THAT THINGS HURT, WORDS HURT.

the yelling in my home happens every day. i hate it so much, i just want it to stop.

•

before that, I began cutting my wrists, because of my own fucking family. I've recovered from cutting though, but when I was doing it, I was in a very tight spot. A place where I felt like I was trapped.

A lot was happening then, I remember thinking about wanting touch. comfort. any comfort, like a sincere hug.

During that time, I was forcing myself to stop eating, making sure that I would just not eat till dinner, where I would only eat a little to nothing.

it got to the point where I constantly was vomiting the food that I ate.

I remember when I woke up one day, only to look in the mirror to see my arms were literal sticks, my face looking sickly pale. I was 'proud' of my 'accomplishment', just seeing my body made of pure skin and bones.

I overlooked the future pain it could cause me and when I told my friend, being happy and proud of it, they were the one who put me back into reality.

.

I've also considered killing myself.

Multiple times.

It hurts just to think about it.

I almost overdosed once. the amount of pills in my home is overwhelming, I have thoughts of taking them all and overdosing, being successful instead of failing.

I've never really talked about it with my parents, seeing as they are literal assholes who don't give a shit.

•

I also can't seem to know who I am anymore.

The time when people call me 'Floris' (or any other name that is not my dead name) is the time when I feel like I'm me and safe.

But when people call me by my dead name, I don't even know who I fucking am, like I've been pulled away from even associating with the name.

I've been mentally stable enough to realize that I'm a boy. not a girl, not this stupid gender I've been forced to be stuck with. it hurts so much to even hear my fucking assigned name. i had a mental breakdown since my father kept repeating my name, annoying me and reminding me how I'm not a true boy. i almost cried when i saw my dead name being plastered on a paper, and being said by my teacher to get my attention.

just some girl who likes to imagine they are a boy.

but do i really blame other people for making me feel this way? no, no I don't. i blame myself because i can't tell anyone in my family about me being trans and attracted to men, or anyone for the matter. i told my cousin and they were accepting, yet it was the person who i am not that told them. the girl who is attracted to females and is all genders + uses all pronouns. but i'm no longer them.

and the same question mocks me. will my family be accepting of me? because it sure doesn't seem like it.

i'm still being given girl names by my family, mostly from my parents.

•

but enough of that, I don't want to get too deep in my own thoughts and feelings.

sorry for ranting like this, I do really feel like I shouldn't have done this. and i have no idea if i can even handle it.

but after writing this, i feel like a weight was lifted off my shitty posture shoulders :] i feel better, even if i don't want to admit it, just knowing someone will listen to me instead of ignoring me

bye everyone who read this, a new chapter will be out soon.

-RosiiNook