Dear Someone

Short Story of Ill-fated Lovers

Dear Someone,
Have you ever been in a relationship that's not sure? Like you're arent sure what is it about?
Because I've been.
We both knew of each others feelings, or atleast that's what I know. We both knew it but we didn't really acted on it.
Let's start with this story for the first part.
I've been with this guy, let's call him 'James'. We were old highschool classmates, and spoke until we graduated. We both agreed on this kind of "set-up", the one where we would do what "college kids now a days do". We were both freshmen in College at that time. He was my first: kiss and all, but not really in a romantic relationship.
The set-up started in Summer of 2014. In my own point of view (at that time), I knew nothing will come out of it. That continued on and everytime we meet I get nervous. I'm quite familiar with him but suddenly I felt butterflies everytime we kissed. And I repeat, I knew it's just a casual hook up. I had to bottle up the butterflies, and forgot about it. He was kind of my comfort character during those years. In short, we were friends with benefits. We never really established that kind of set-up, so it's kind of complicated.
August of 2015 happened, I was in a relationship. I guess knowing nothing will really come out of that kind of relationship, so I dated this guy whom I met online. We were in a long distance relationship, but I wasn't really into him. So I am still doing this thing with James and at the same time, be in a relationship with this guy. I know this guy were just someone I just had. Like he seemed to have completed what James and I had. A relationship. But that took a dark turn, we both were toxic to each other: me going to parties every Friday and him contacting all my friends and disturbing my privacy. This guy would read every messages on Messenger and block whoever messaged me, even my cousins and groupmates. But I really didn't realized it until 2016. He only had my email but not my phone number, and usually James would contact me through my number.
One day, James insisted on bringing me into this party. I asked him why would he bring me? And he answered, you were the only girl I knew. (Another backstory, he's known to be a player in highschool so I had doubts). I thought maybe he would introduce me to one of his girl friends, so I agreed to go. Me and my then boyfriend broke up that day, so I needed the time away. When we met, he told me he had planned to pick me up from my house so he persisted on asking me my address but I really didn't gave him mine. From our old adventures, he would just text me to come over so that to me, was new. In the party, I met his friends. One friend told me that James told stories about me, like how he got into volleyball because he knew I continued to play it since highschool, and how he tells his friends the posts I reposted on Facebook. I knew at that time, he liked me. But still I had doubts.. The party was okay, but since I'm an introvert, I never really spoke to someone other than him. He was busy but he would check up on me often. As the night went by, someone drunk gave me a drink. As I was going to drink it, he got it out of my hand and warned me not to accept any drinks other than from him. Some guys would give me one and he would just drink it. I knew he was becoming drunk when he held my hand. I was too tired and since I don't know where would I stay, I didn't let go of his hand. He had to do something so I waited for him. He would tell stories about the people in the party so I got acquainted. His friends would call me his but we both answered we're just friends. I remember him looking at my eyes, as if asking if we were really just friends. The night ended and I just need to go out of that room to get some air. To be honest, I needed some time to think. But I was too tired. That night was the first night I don't know what to think about us. After months of trying to hide my feelings and acting distant, I knew my feelings would be reciprocated. But me over thinking things, I blamed everything on the alcohol he had. A little backstory about me: I have a hard time dealing with my own emotions ever since highschool. I never really knew how to show it. I wanted to tell him but still I didn't. Me not wanting to deal with my feelings for him, I went back together with the other guy. Christmas came, James messaged me to meet up. I knew that day he wanted to tell me how he feels, but also I didn't really want to break up with this other guy on Christmas. So I told James to meet on January, we spoke to each other until January, and later found out that the other guy knew I was going to meet up with James.
January 2016 came, James texted me to meet up with him that day. I told him I have class until 6pm, he told me he would wait for me. To be honest I was scared. He knew I cheated on this guy with him and I thought he would yell at me. So I said yes but I went home. He saw me and called me that night to ask me, Why I went home. I said, I just need to change clothes (that was my back up plan if ever I decided to really go). He got angry and hanged up. I called him to ask if he's still there, he told me no, so I didn't went outside since it started raining. I texted him, what was he going to say to me. He answered in a manner of disdain but told me that what if he told me likes me, how would I react. I laughed it off, pretending he was joking. I was really confused at that time and didn't know how to react. I knew I had feelings for him but over a text? I wanted to tell it to him so I called. He answered, I told him I also liked him but I don't know if it was the right thing at that time. He hanged up. That was a worng choice of words and wrong situation. Ang tanga tanga ko. If I knew me and the other guy would hurt ourselves, I should have been with James. Tanga! Super Tanga!

-to be continued-