Dear Someone

Traitor

Dear Someone,
    It has been raining for almost three weeks now, I haven't seen the sun eversince. I guess due to the cloudy and rainy days, I have been thinking about my ex. I messaged him today, but it's not what you think. Also I've been listening to Olivia Rodrigo these days.
    There was lots of instances or proofs of cheating on his part, but I never trusted my own hunches. But I knew he eventually will do it. The cheating part, I mean. He did it tho. I didn't blame myself since I'm not the weak one. Tama kasi yung sinabi nila na cheaters are the weaker one in the relationship. This isn't the first time I've been cheated on, so I knew I shouldn't blame myself for it. He tried to put the blame on me tho, he said I lacked on being his girlfriend and that I lead him to do it because I lacked on giving him attention when he needed it most. I mean I guess I did, but I also warned him that I will be busy since I need to focus on graduating, and at the same time, the pandemic was happening. What more can I do? I had to wake up at 8am; only had an hour to eat, and eventually go back to studying until 8pm; at the same time finish my thesis until 1am and have to make powerpoints and write ups for every subject I had. In short, my schedule was full. But I would call him during those times, I sometimes got irritated due to the lack of sleep, stress and hunger. I had gone through all of that without forgetting I had a boyfriend. I had to stop working out for rest and sometimes sacrifice eating for sleep. I knew I lost myself at that time, but I thought he understood all of that. He said he did. We met up only for our anniversary because I said I couldn't risk my health, at the same time risk my family's health. He said he understood that. I thought he did. The time he had to go through his family's problems, I was there. I talked to him through calls, I gave him advices on how he could handle it much better, I even snuck out just to talk and comfort him. I sacrificed my time for him, but I thought because I also needed that. His hugs, his smile and his laugh. Looking back, I never actually told him I was struggling because at that time I thought I wasn't that much pain. I let him talk about his problems and tried to solve them or atleast help him through all of it, but he never thought of asking about me. I opened up about me worrying about my school scores, my health, and everything I'm worried about. He never did say anything about them. When I was the one who needed him at those times, he would rather go to his friends house and drink. I solved my own problems thinking that he was too busy to think about mine, but my health was the price to pay. I eventually had PCOS. Told him about it, he just rolled his eyes. Thinking about his efforts to our relationship, I did mirrored his actions. There were times we didn't talked, even if I was in a short break. I distracted my thoughts with game apps. But we eventually saved our relationship. We were back to normal until I posted our pictures on instagram with a caption of looking forward to more years. He told me not to tag him on all pictures, I said okay without letting him explain. But I noticed all our pictures were deleted on his instagram and eventually his facebook. I needed his explanations since it's like he removed me from everything. He explained that he has relatives who always says something about their family. So without fighting, I understood it and brushed everything off.
    Fast forward to days before school starts, I had just finished talking to him on facetime (also at that time, I noticed he was messaging another person but he told me it was his friend and they were talking about the enrollment). While I was busy talking to my friend about the subjects we will take that semester, my sister messaged me. She asked how were things with me and him, I told her it's good. I knew something was up when she suddenly messaged me, I thought some accident happened or something like that. I asked her what's up, she said she saw something online. I got curious but still I continued to help my friend over the phone while I was texting my sister. She sent me screenshots of him and this girl. At that time I tried to laugh it off thinking that it was just his friend. But I wasn't familiar with the name of the girl. My friend asked if I'm okay, I told her I was and I needed to call my boyfriend. I called him tho, the first call was dropped. Then the following calls were ignored. I was panicking since I thought maybe they were talking over the phone, I was hoping everything I read was wrong. I was crying my eyes out, scared at the fact that maybe everything I brushed off was true. My friends and family told me not to talk to him about it since I don't have that much information or proof of him actually doing it. I eventually opened up about my hunches to them, and told me I have enough proof but only talk to him if I'm done crying. Called him non-stop for 30 plus times. I was that scared of losing him. He answered, I knew he was awake and was putting an act of just walking up. I bawled my eyes out. I had an excuse of being stressed out due to the enrollment since I knew I didn't want to talk about it yet.
    Days passed, two days before my birthday, I guess everything came in, the stress about school and our relationship. Spoke to him about it, he told me they were talking but not that kind of talking. The screenshots said otherwise, but I didn't told him that part yet. I let him explained his part, he was I guess sugar coating things. I ended the call without explaining my side. Yes, I cried. He didn't try to call me back, at that time I knew he was thinking of excuses he could form, and eventually called me three times before giving up. He told me over text that he was sorry I found out about it and still explained that it wasn't that serious. Next day, my tears dried up, I wasn't in pain. I guess I cried all of it days before. Sent him the screenshots while I was looking at his reaction on facetime. He was shocked and asked who sent me those. I knew he will try to blame it to them (I blurred the names and icons of the ones who sent it to me.) Then the first part of this story happened. I guess I regret giving him my attention and that I was a fool of thinking he's the one I thought I would marry. (That's a whole another story for next time tho.)
    Me believing everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves, and even having a tattoo about it. I gave him a chance. Told him I don't want to go back into the relationship but I will give him a chance to prove that he will change. I told him to just apologize to my family and if they think he's sincere, I will go back to him. Months passed, nothing happened he just sent me morning and night messages, like we were in a relationship before. He even went into my house thinking he will eventually apologize but nothing happened. I was tired of waiting, but since he told me he can't give back the things I lend him since he will need it to look for work. I believed him. I hated the fact that I gave him a chance to play me again. I guess at this point, I could say, trust the persons who knows you. If they said that they didn't trust him, take that as a warning.

    Today, conversations with the ones who can see his posts proved me wrong. Yet again, he hid evey post he had with her so I wouldn't see it. I hate that I actually believed him. I hate that everyone was right all along. I hate that I forgave him. I couldn't stay mad at him so I messaged him. I said I couldn't believe him anymore, and that I don't know who I'll believe anymore. I guess I always knew he will eventually cheat yet again, I just I hated myself for believing everything he said. I hate that I let him have my laptop, which I really need by the way. I hate that I lend his brother my ipad since.... Hayyyyy! I hate him. Long story short, he promised to bring back my laptop in November when he will get the chance to go back here. I'll update if he will give it back tho. I just hope he will because my parents will be mad. I think they might sue him for that. I just think they will.

    Take this as a sign to trust your intuitions more than anyone. But take their word as a warning. Never doubt yourself of something you didn't do. Don't ever blame yourself for something some person did to hurt you. It's not your fault for seeing the good in everyone, they're just jerks who takes energy from someone good. They know they're insecure themselves, and they know you're much more stronger than them so they will take every chance they get to blame you for their inadequacy. Don't give your hand to those who pull themselves through the hole, they will eventually pull you with them. In short, trust yourself more than the other person.

Sincerely yours,
ulp.