Akatsuki kittens (discontinued)

Update on me

So i really need to get this off my chest, like sure i could just type this all out on a piece of paper and forget about it but i really need to talk to someone anyone about this but i have no fucking idea who to turn to, certainly not family thats for sure.

So 2 months ago my older brother died and i never realized just how much i loved him and how much i needed him till now.

Im the youngest in my family i have a older sister and had a older brother, i wasnt as close to him as my sister was cause they were only a year apart and im 4-5 years younger then them and ive never had to ask them for anything i always knew if i ever needed them they were always there for me and sure my brother picked on me allot as kids but thats what older siblings do and he always had this shit eating grin when doing so, for one of his birthdays he asked me to draw him a crooked tree and i did and he like it so much he got it as a tattoo and that meant so much to me.

i was supposed to be house sitting for him while he was away at collage and i went home for the weekend he came back cause i wanted to give him his space incase he had his friends over ya know, and sorry if this is all over the place but i just need to get this all off my mind so im typing as im thinking this and everytime i think about it i start crying all over again.

He was on his way back from a party with his dog when he rolled his truck and somehow only his dog made it out alive. And i cant remember the last time I actually hugged him or told him i love him i dont even have that many pictures of the two of us together i have a few of him when i was like 3 or 6 and the one we took at my graduation party and family pictures of course but barley any of just the two of us and i cant stop thinking of what a horrible sister i was to him.

Like i said earlier i was supposed to be house sitting for him while he was away at collage and the thing is my brother never cleaned the house so my mom,sister, aunt and i were all cleaning the house in the first two weeks he was away and it was so gross and i was the who kept joking around and saying 'if the house gets this dirty again were gonna kill him' and not even a week later he came home and died and i just feel so guilty like somehow its my fault and it was so hard when we had to drive and hour and half ish to my sister house and tell her in person and hearing her scream that we must be joking andthat he's ok and i cant get her scream out of my head.

And now im paranoid that every time one of my family leaves the house i wont see them again and im now living in my brothers house cause its my childhood home and i need to be close to him in someway again.

Ive never been hurt like this before it still doesnt feel real like im still just house sitting and he'll walk through that door at any moment and i just want my big brother back.

I know I probably shouldnt post this here but i need to let someone know even if its just a bunch of strangers who really dont care, im scared of what my family would think if i told them.