𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐢𝐚. | 𝖽𝖺𝗓𝖺𝗂 𝗈𝗌𝖺𝗆𝗎

iv. why doesn't Dazai cry? ft. Atsushi

something that struck my interest was how even as Odasaku was dying in his arms, Dazai didn’t cry.

but it wasn’t because Dazai doesn’t know the concept of crying, or why people cry. Dazai may be emotionally stunted, but i think he at least understands what moves people to tears, although he doesn’t necessarily experience that himself. it seems to me that at least now, in the current development, Dazai understands what emotions would induce someone to cry their eyes out.

isn’t it fascinating that Atsushi, someone who normally wears his heart on his sleeves, speaks what he thinks, unreservedly runs into danger to rescue his friends, is now asking for advice from Dazai - who constantly hides his emotions under wraps, not revealing the slightest clue of his real thoughts - on how to express himself?

emotionally, Atsushi is, or should be, arguably more mature than Dazai. Dazai has difficulty expressing his emotions, so he hides everything under a beguiling smile. he also doesn’t, or didn’t, experience emotions like how people usually would (i hope we will one day learn how he came to be like this). i haven’t read the light novel yet, but based on the translations and excerpts i found, in the Fifteen light novel, there was a scene of Dazai finishing off a dying man with his gun, and after the man was dead, continuing to fire at his body until Chuuya told him to stop. Dazai, instead of feeling fear, was bitter and angered by how easily death came to some people, while he had to keep up his meaningless existence. in another scene (first meeting with Chuuya), as Chuuya crushed Dazai’s hand under his foot, Dazai watched as if the hand was someone else’s. similarly, in the Dark Era light novel, while Odasaku was clearly saddened by the thought of Ango’s betrayal, Dazai laughed at the thought of himself being driven into desperation after discovering that their best friend had betrayed them.

in the opposite end of the spectrum, Atsushi, having been raised in hellish conditions, isn’t afraid to show his heart. he knows what living in hell feels like, so the moment he experiences true happiness, his smile shines. he also knows how it feels like to be told “you’re not worthy of living”, so when he meets a vulnerable person, he extends his hand without hesitation, and tells them it is okay for them to live. he isn’t afraid to cry when he’s upset, and isn’t afraid to smile when he’s feeling warmth. one can say he has experienced the whole spectrum of emotions, and he possesses both the understanding of and the physical ability to express them. 

Dazai, on the other hand, has likely experienced only a fraction of Atsushi’s emotional spectrum. he’s more familiar with certain emotions (mostly negative ones), and almost clueless about the rest (what is happiness?). the only times we catch a slightest hint of joy in him were when he was with Odasaku and Ango, and more recently, rare moments with the Detective Agency. but even in those moments, his joy was most likely mixed with confusion, hesitation and uneasiness because, NO ONE is EVER SAFE and this boy is constantly thinking of ways to fight whatever danger’s coming up ahead. he is also constantly plagued by the thought that one day, these joyful moments he cherishes will slip out of his grip. what better way to pre-empt this fear of loss than never getting too attached in the first place??

both Dazai and Atsushi had been through hell, but because of the differences in their natures, the circumstances and the environments they were in, Atsushi responds by pouring his heart out, while Dazai seals everything in.

which brings me back to those panels: why did Atsushi need to ask Dazai for advice on how to express himself in that situation?

my thought is that at that moment, Atsushi was experiencing something he never knew before, but Dazai was all too familiar with: emptiness.

Atsushi’s survival instincts, at odds with his own self-deprecating nature, were largely because of his head master’s brutal way of drilling the desire to live into his flesh. he lived on by hating that man. he knew true joy because that man denied him happiness. he knew true pain because that man constantly reminded him of it. yet, in this moment, he didn’t know what to feel, because that man was no longer alive. Atsushi didn’t know what it was like to be empty, until now. he was beyond suffering and he didn’t know what to do about it. (look at his face, it screams BEYOND SUFFERING)

which is why Dazai told him to come back down, to express himself whichever way he wants to. Dazai told him to cry his heart out, like he normally would. the usual Atsushi-kun shouldn’t be afraid to let out his feelings. so if what he feels is emptiness, then it’s better to cry it out until he is no longer empty.

Dazai, on the other hand, was all too familiar with emptiness.

what exactly did he feel as Odasaku was dying in his arms? sadness? fear?? hope???

(hello darkness my old friend).

i think, by this time, Dazai was already beyond sadness. he was left empty for too long. the only source of light in his dark days was his friendship with Odasaku and Ango, especially Odasaku, who could have guided him out of that eternal void of loneliness. but when he lost Odasaku and Ango, Dazai was left all alone, again. that familiar emptiness prompted him to respond in the only way he knew how - to seal it back in.

just as Dazai never once smiled truly, purely from joy, he also never once cried to acknowledge his suffering (unless he did when he was younger, which i am dying to know), because before he knew how to deal with sadness, loneliness, or pain, he was already beyond suffering, in an abyss far darker and emptier than that.

blackandwhitemusician | tumblr