𝔟𝔯𝔲𝔱𝔞𝔩 | 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗻 𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗺𝗮𝗻

twelve: "i don't even know why"

I tore out of the building as fast as I could heading in the direction of the hotel. My sneakers pounded against the wet pavement. It had started to rain but I hardly noticed. My brain was spinning with a million different questions and I was still trying to process what had just happened.

I didn't know if Dean had followed me or not until I slowed to a walk. A few moments later he came up next to me, breathing heavily. We had to be at least a few blocks from the arena but I wasn't sure.

I looked up at the night sky and let the rain fall on my face for a couple of seconds. Dean walked next to me wordlessly. We were both unsure of what to say to the other.

Finally, I spoke. "Thanks. For what you did back there."

He nodded, still not speaking.

"Are you still giving me the silent treatment?" I questioned, kicking at some pebbles on the sidewalk.

Dean let out a long breath and shoved his hands into his pockets. "It's not like that Bex."

"Not like what? What'd I do to you?" I found myself starting to simmer with frustration. Sure he had saved my ass but that was not enough to make up for years of torment.

The rain started to fall harder and I pulled my jacket tighter around my body. It wasn't much use though as it was completely soaked. Dean shivered beside me and motioned to a nearby awning. "Let's wait it out."

Without much choice, I followed him. We sat on the stairs in front of what appeared to be a small law firm. It was obviously closed and the only light was coming from a small lamp that lit up the company's logo. We had made it just in time as a downpour started seconds later.

"So?" I asked, looking at a sulking Dean and speaking up to be heard over the rain.

He ran his hands through his hair and shrugged. "I wanted to stop hurting you so much. So I thought I'd just stop talking to you."

My face scrunched up in confusion. "Yeah but why now? You being a dick to me is just our relationship. I'm used to it."

"That's the problem, Bexley, it shouldn't... I shouldn't be that way. I didn't know how to apologize so I just hoped if I stopped talking, we could eventually, I don't know... move past everything or something." Dean shook his head and laughed a little. "Whatever, it was stupid anyway."

"That's not stupid." I paused for a moment and thought. "Okay maybe a little bit stupid. But why didn't you just talk to me?"

"Because why would you listen to me?" Dean angrily asked. His anger seemed more directed at himself than me. "I've done nothing but be awful since the day we met. And the craziest part is... I don't even know why."

I stayed silent, unsure of what to say. I was afraid that if I spoke, this vulnerable and apologetic Dean would disappear.

"You've always been special Bex. And maybe part of me resented you for it. So when I saw you with Crew or Fulton or Adam... I just got... jealous I guess. I've never been able to have a conversation with you like that. One where I didn't say something to fuck it up. Like I probably just did now." Dean sat back and looked out into the sky from our spot on the stairs. It had started to clear a bit and the moon was peeking out behind some clouds.

"I understand everything you're saying except... what is it about me?" I looked over at Dean but his gaze didn't leave the sky. "I mean like you're just fine with Tula and Natalie and you're such good friends with Fulton and the guys from home. I wanted so badly to be able to be your friend and work together on the ice. But every day a little part of that went away. Until it was gone."

I would never admit it, but when I came to Chicago, Dean was someone I looked up to the most. Before I was able to move up the ranks, he was like the star of the team. I wondered what was wrong with me that he hated so much. It took me a long time to stop caring what Dean Portman thought of me.

"Can we just forget it?" I was afraid the regular, emotionless Dean was coming back.

"No, we can't just forget it. I've waited years to ask you this stuff. Spill."

Dean chuckled. "Fine. But you can't tell anyone. I mean it."

I nodded and sat up a bit straighter. This must be big time if Dean was asking me to keep a secret.

"If I'm being honest, I wanted to reject you before you had the chance to reject me." Dean must've noticed the perplexed look on my face. "Let me explain. It's easier for me to make the decision for you. If I decide to not be friends with you, then you can't do it and hurt me. Or if I were to say I like you and you didn't feel the same way."

I raised my eyebrows at his last sentence as Dean got quiet again. We both looked out into the sky. The rain had stopped now and there were hundreds of stars painting the black night.

"What if... I did feel the same way?" The words came out slowly as I processed what I was actually saying.

Dean turned to me and his eyes met mine. "Well then I'd feel like a huge idiot for waiting so long to tell you."

We stared at each other for a moment before I stood up and held out my hand. "We better get back before we're reported missing. Something tells me Coach wouldn't be happy to know we were out late the night before the finals."

Dean nodded and took my hand. I dropped it once we were on the sidewalk and we both walked in comfortable silence. This was all really new to both of us and I wanted to give this conversation time to settle.

Had we admitted to liking each other? We had implied it at the very least. Dean had started the day as my biggest enemy and ended it as my friend.

But I knew now was not the time to figure out all the details. We had a game to win.

_

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